Christmas 2006

It's now New Year's eve (only 6:30 in the morning, but still the last day of the year). We managed to get through the Christmas season relatively well. We got lots of beautiful cards and pictures from our friends and families. I haven't sent out Christmas cards in over 10 years - can you beleive that? For so many years, I was "too busy". Now, I'm just plain tired. I am very stingy with my time because there is so little of it to go around; I spend more time sick or at doctor offices than I do anywhere else. I have to 'save my spoons' for things that are truely important.

We talked at length about a tree, even took a family vote. Amanda voted a definate NO to getting a tree. I was on the fence - didn't care either way. Everyone else voted YES. In the past, we've always had a live tree. This year, as time was quickly running out and we still didn't have a tree, John came home with a new artificial tree from Wal-Mart. I was very pleasantly surprised - it really was beautiful. Then there were the added benefits that Garfield didn't drink the water and kill it, no one had to remember to add water every day, there are no pesky needles all over the house, and of course we didn't have to deal with disposing it. Plus, we're all ready to go next year - Our tree is neatly boxed up and waiting for us. So all in all, it was a great idea John had and I have to say I'm a convert (I used to be a "natural or nothing" Christmas tree snob).

As soon as the tree went up and was decorated, presents begain to 'appear' under it. Garfield loved the tree perhaps more than anyone. He was forever swatting at the ornaments, garland, and lights, and even kept tring to climb up the trunk. When he did that, the whole tree would start swaying back and forth, and the spire on the top wobbled wildly. So I guess I'd have to say the tree was a big hit all the way around.

We did some furniture rearranging in order to make a spot for the tree. We moved the big green chair up to our bedroom, along with the reading table and lamp. I'm really enjoying the change, and have decided to make it permanent. Now we have a great, quiet reading nook in the bedroom. Michael gave me a pretty table top fountain which I placed atop the reading table. It is so relaxing! The only thing is that Garfield likes to drink from it, so I have to keep a close eye on the water level so it doesn't go dry and damage the motor. We put the piano in the corner where the big green chair had been - and I like that change too. I know it sounds silly, but now that the piano is more visible, I tend to play it more - and that's a good thing. Its a great outlet for me. I usually put on the headphones so only I hear what I'm playing, because there is usually a lot of noise and stuff going on in the house.

We had a more frugal gift-giving season than in the past, but no less meaningful or fun. Amanda gave me a tea set that is AWESOME. It is hand made cast iron from Japan, the type of tea set I've wanted for years but would never have spent the money on. It is warm green with dragonflies on it, and it is so perfect. Dragonflies symbolize new beginnings, and I've always been partial to them, but never knew their symbolic meaning. It reminds me of the plaque on my wall that my Mother gave me that says "Today is the first day of the rest of your life". I've been offering tea to everyone in sight. My family has been indulging me by sharing pots of tea, but I don't think anyone else really enjoys it the way I do. Amanda got me the matching trivet and two teacups with saucers to match. They tried to sell her a warmer that you put a candle in and it keeps your tea warm for hours, but I didn't think I needed it. I've changed my mind on that, and when I have $39 to spare I'm going to get it. That way I can brew a pot and sip on it all morning.

John gave me this incredible sleeping mask. It is so fluffy and soft and goes over your eyes. It TOTALLY blocks out any light, and has different sounds you can play. There is white noise, a babbling brook, the ocean, birds chirping, and some others. Plus, you can plug in your iPod and listen to that if you want to. Of course, you can also listen to nothing, just put on the mask and block out all of the light and take a nap. I've been using it every day... it's so perfect for me! Now I can take a nap in the recliner in the middle of the day in complete darkness. Plus the plush fabric feels SO GOOD against my skin and sort of 'hugs' me. I like it a lot, I guess you can tell.

'Santa' brought Will the SIMS. He's always wanting to play on Amanda's game and so we knew he would enjoy having it for himself. We were right. For the first 2 days, I don't think he ate or slept at all - he just played the SIMS. What I really like about that game is that it makes you think and really teaches life concepts in a fun way. Like if you don't work, you don't eat, or if y ou don't learn to cook you burn up your house, if you don't get enough rest you get sick, if you don't bathe you get sick - stuff like that. I'm relieved that it works flawlessly on his laptop, because it is an IBM Thinkpad and sometimes things don't work exactly right on it.

There was lots more special gift-giving - too much to recall it all here.

On Christmas Eve we had a very special time. Michael, John, Andrew, Grandpa Bill and I all went to the Christmas Eve service at our church. I think that other than Grandma Betts funeral, this was the only time the five of us have been to church together. It was mostly music and sharing. The lights were dimmed so it was comfortable on my eyes. Both John and I shared during the service, and it was just so special being all together like that. My only wish was that Amanda could have been with us, but it was her time to be with her Dad and Marsha. Afterwards, we were hungry for dinner but I was far to tired to deal with cooking, so we went out for Mexican.

Our 'family Christmas' was on the 18th at my brother, Joel's house. I knew beforehand that I was not up to going. I got several calls from Joel, Mom, and Dad, all encouraging me to go. I know their intentions were good, but I had to listen to my body - I know my limitations and it would have been very uncomfortable - plus my family wouldn't have been able to stay as long as they wanted because I would have had to leave early. Amanda helped me make big baskets for each of my brothers families and my Mom & Dad, and I sent them to the gathering. I got a lot of enjoyment from that and it made me feel like I was participating in some small way. One thing we put in all the baskets was 'Peppermint Bark'. This is super easy to make, and Amanda made it while I sat and instructed her. It's so much fun teaching her to cook things and watching her as she tries things for the first time in the kitchen. The bark was no exception. It turned out great, and we had plenty of it to go around and give to friends and family. On Christmas morning, each of the kids even had a bag of it in their stockings!

On the 27th, we got sad news. My dear uncle Drew passed away. He was my mothers only brother, and father to 4 of my cousins. He has been seriously ill for the last 8 years, due to a heart condition. He was on over 6 liters of oxygen! (I'm only on 2-3 liters). He was able to spend Christmas day with his family, and according to reports he died quickly and without pain. He has always been dear to me, kind, gentle, and caring. We never lived close enough together to form a close bond, but I love him none the less. I know he was a believer and I know we'll see him again. That is my consolation. Rather than send flowers, I went to the American Heart Association website and donated $50 in his memory; my aunt will get a card from my family for him. My parents, who just returned from Texas the week before Christmas, went back to Louisiana on the 28th for the services and to be with the family. The services were yesterday, the 30th. They had to wait until then because my cousin Nathan was in Africa and that was the earliest that he could get home.

Yesterday morning (Saturday), I made breakfast (with help), and we were all together to eat it (a rare thing!). Michael, John, Andrew, Amanda,Will, and me. Everyone seemed to enjoy it, from the cathead biscuits to the Mayhaw jelly. Afterwards, before everyone could dash off their seperate ways for the day, I asked the kids to please take down the tree. Michael brought in the storage boxes, and they all got to work. They had it done in no time. I was feeling very tired and went to bed. I kept feeling worse and worse, and about 1:00 I realized I had not taken my morning medicine - DUH! So I took it and in about an hour I started feeling human again and got out of bed.

The Verdict is in - Maybe

I went to Dr. Daily (Infectious Disease) and he studied my CT scans and agreed with the Radiologis and ER doctor - said I am 'a very sick lady' and have 'acute Mastoiditis'. So thats 3 doctors to 1, so I'm going with the majority. I have to finish out the Cipro and if it's not cleared, either go to IV antibiotics or a stronger oral one. Still have the constant headache and nausea, feel like I've been run over by a Mac truck. I am totally noise and light sensitive, they both make me feel like crawling out of my skin. And the abdominal pain that is at times WORSE than my joint pain.

There's always a twist though. Michael did some research and found that Sarcoid can attack the Mastoid bone and mimic Mastoiditis. So, this whole thing could be from Sarc and not an infection. The only way to tell is surgery. yipee, can you tell how thrilled I am?

After I take my morning meds and a double dose of Percocet, I can squeeze out a little bit of 'quality time', which I'm using very judicously. I usually get one more window of 'feel ok time' late in the evening (late for me), usually around 8. Thats when my evening pain meds kick in. Other than those two times of day, my physical life is misery. I put my best face on and try to focus on the positives, try my best not to dampen the spirits of those I love, and just take a moment at a time. Distractions help, music helps, seeing my children smile helps, a kiss from Michael helps, loving my kitty helps, naps help, making tea in my new Dragonfly teapot helps (and sipping it!).

Stumped

Ok, so today Amanda drove me to see my ENT doctor, the same doc that has operated on me at least 3 times and treated me for 10 years. He looked at the CT scan and saw the abnormal fluid in the mastoids and said, well theres no way to have fluid in the Mastoid unless it comes from the middle ear. He looked at my ears and said they were clear. So he basically had no idea why I have fluid in my mastoids, pain in my ears and back of my head. But he strongly disagreed with the ER doctor about Mastoiditis. He seemed to not really have a clue what is going on with me or what I should do next, and he didn't even really seem like he wanted to get involved (too complicated?). I was surprised and left feeling like I'd wasted my time. He had no idea what the problem is or how to fix it. So, left to my own devices I think I'll go see my Nerologist (since after all there is excruciating pain in the back of my head), and my GI doctor (since I also have excruciating pain in my left pelvic region). It was kind of funny, Dr. Jackson (ENT guy) didn't have a clue what was going on in my ears, nose, throat, etc., but seemed 100% certain that I have diverticulitis (sp?). We'll have to see if Dr. Jagiella agrees. In the meantime I'll take the Cipro and go with the flow. I guess I can always take my breakthrough pain meds or go to the ER if it gets too bad. Anyway the silver lining is I got to spend most of the day with Amanda and we even did a little bit of secret santa shopping (shhh).

Migraine-ish Mastoiditis

Sunday morning I awoke to the worst headache yet. It occured to me that these headaches have all been in the lower back of my head, and usually my migraines are in the front of the head. So, I thought, maybe it's not a migraine, maybe I have a blood pressure problem.

So I pulled out the cuff and snapped it on, and yep there it was: 210 over 110. I took it 3 more times just to make sure. Then I called my Dr. and he said do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to the ER.

So off to the ER we went. After a $100 deductable and a CT scan of my head, it was determined that I have major infection in my mastoids - both sides. These little gems are right in the lower back of the head - amazing - right where my headaches have been. So I've been walking around with this infection for about a week and a half now, when Dr. Butler said any infection needs to be treated within 48 hours because of the drugs I'm on. ypiee, what fun. Mastoiditis, I discovered, can spread into the bone, requiring surgery. It can also lead to Meningitis if not treated promptly and aggressively. No wonder I've felt like the bottom of a wet diaper pail for the last week. The one bright spot to the ER trip was 2 pain shots and some temporary relief from the non-stop pain.

So I started on Cipro 500 MG 2x daily and of course pain pills to mask the constant agony that I used to call a life. And of course no more Remicade until everything is completely cleared up...so my Sarc can have a Christmas party, and probably a New Year's party too - all without the interference of any of those nasty little TNF inhibitors or auto-immune suppressors to dampen their fun. I just hope that unleashing the Sarc monster won't cause a flare-up and God forbid, a hospital stay.

This morning I woke up with no headache (although it did return later in the day), so based on that I think the Cipro is working. I'm just hoping its not too little too late.

Tomorrow I follow up with the ENT specialist who once told me "I can cut off a person's whole head if I want to" - now isn't that comforting. On the other hand, I would probably feeel a lot better if he did.

I have to go to the GI specialist too, because I've been having intense pain in my lower left abdomen. I had an abmormal CT scan in that area last year; maybe it is related. Who knows. I need a personal secretary just to keep up with my medicines and doctors and tests. Am I dying? Or will this pass? I dunno. I guess I'll find out when I find out.

Meanwhile I haven't begun to shop for Christmas; its kind of hard to do when you're in bed with pain for 18 hours out of every day. Hmm. Maybe I'll give hugs this year.

Oh What a Relief it is!

I'm reminded of that old Alka-Seltzer commercial "plop plop, fizz fizz, Oh what a relief it is"... guess that tells a bit about my age. But pure relief is what I feel this morning. I woke up with NO HEADACHE & NO NAUSEA! Tired? yes. Joint Pain? constantly. But no Migraine. I'm really glad because Will is home sick from school and I have to be at the hospital for a 10:30 appointment this morning. Taking care of his appointment and mine will be so much easier without the Migraine.

So, what's been going on around here for the last 3 days while I've been consumed with flashing lights, nausea and Ginger Ale? Well, last night John came home with a Christmas Tree for us. We just keep running into scheduling hurdles and its now 12/14 and we still haven't bought a tree. So John came to the rescue and surprised us last night. It was really sweet and thoughtful of him to take care of that for the family. He's still waiting on the final yes or no from the Alpharetta Police Department. We know he passed all of the tests, including the oral interviews, but he doesn't have a final answer/job offer yet.

Andrew is still working a temp job with UPS. It is supposed to end on 12/22. He's working on a lot of other leads for employment after that date, including a possibility of being hired on at UPS as a regular employee. He's completed interviews with Comcast, and is waiting for a final yes/no from them. He's also looking into work at SmokeJack. I think he's hoping we take a trip to Lisbon after Christmas and wants to go along. Its been 7 years since we last took him, and it would be great for him to get to go again.

Michael is having a good month at work. Sales and Renewals are up, thanks to his top notch Customer Care. That really seems to be his niche. He finally went to the doctor about his persistant cough and breathing problems. He's been diagnosed with several allergies: Dog, Cat, and Dust Mites (of which we have plenty!!), and with Asthma. They put him on some new meds and he said he hasn't had a "breathing spell" since he started the meds. That's really good news, because he's been carrying a nebulizer around all the time and using it several times a day! It's also great news that he doesn't have a lung problem. Hopefully he's back on track and will feel much better.

Amanda finished her finals on Tuesday - all done with her first semester of college! She doesn't go back until January. Meanwhile, she's been working 2 jobs - Theater Tech for two different productions. The last performance is Sunday 12/17 and she will be burning the candle at both ends until then. On Monday, I'm betting she'll be complaining of boredom...but she'll have a bit larger bank balance to show for it all.

Will is enjoying playing basketball. His first game was last Saturday, 12/9, and his team won by 2 points. He got the star for best effort. If we could just keep his shoes tied snugly, I think he would do even better. This week he's been complaining of a sore throat. No fever, and the throat looks ok to me. But I finally let him stay home today and have a 3:45 doctors appointment for him this afternoon to check it out.

Tomorrow at noon I have a date with Grandpa Bill. We're going to sip tea and he's going to tell me stories while I snuggle up on his big sofa. What a great way to spend a Friday afternoon!

That's all for now, I've got to get a quick shower and rouse Amanda (my designated driver this morning).

Beat to the Punch?

OK, so this is day 3 of the Migraine wars. I found some Frova tablets and took one along with 2 Percocets before getting out of bed. My head was already starting to hurt, but no flashing lights or nausea. Then I started with the Ginger Ale and a Phenegran. Now it's 10:00 AM and I'm nauseous, but managed to hold down a cup of yogurt and the Ginger Ale. My head is not hurting and there are no lights. So basically I just feel like I'm about to toss my cookies any minute now. I'd say I beat the Migraine to the punch today. Still feel like my stomach has been pulverized by a prize fighter, but at least I'm not bed-ridden like the last 2 days. Just look for the Canada Dry and Phenegran at my house and you'll find me close by.

Migraines Again

I seem to get in these cycles of migraines, they come in bouts. First the lights flashing, then the headache, then the nausea. I've been nowhere except the toilet and my bed for the last 2 days. Just one of the side effects of Methotrexate and Remicade. I took my last $10 migraine pill today, so if it comes back tomorrow I'll have to go to the pharmacy and get more. I have plenty of Canada Dry and Phenagren, Soup and Crackers. I'm going to try to drag myself into the shower now and maybe smelling better will make me feel better. Or maybe thats just wishful thinking. I would really, really, really like to feel better tomorrow. When these days happen I miss LIFE. I miss my FAMILY. I feel so alone and useless, and life starts feeling pointless. Maybe tomorrow, just maybe... it will be different.

This is what happens when I don't write

There is too much to tell! This is what happens when I don't write to my blog for a long time. It's been almost a month. Where do I start?

Exciting news about Amanda. She has all A's and 1 B in collge - WOW! With her extra-curricular activities too, it's really a feat for her. She was on the technical team for Milton High School's Fall 1-act play, and the Technical Director had to leave unexpectedly right before regional competition. So they asked Amanda to be Acting Technical Director. She did so, and Miltion WON FIRST Place in the regionals, which meant they went to state. So there's my sweet little Amanda, Technical Director at the Springer Opera house for state competition. Then, the best news of all, they took 2nd place at state! It was all very exciting and the Springer Opera House in Columbus is WORTH THE DRIVE. I would love to go back there to see another play. Mom, Dad, Michael,Will,and I went on the day of the state competition to support Amanda and Milton, and I'm so glad we did. What a blast!

Will has completed requirements to advance to Tenderfoot. There will be a "Court of Honor" in a couple of weeks at which he will receive it officially. I can't wait! He also went on his first 'teenager' retreat sponsored by the church. I remember how much those trips meant to me and it's wonderful that he is staying so involved in the church and is getting to go on trips. He had a blast, it was a very positive experience. He's also doing very well academically at school. Behavior is another issue - we're constantly working on it. He's not mean or foul-mouthed or anything like that. His challenge is that he loves being the class clown. Every day, every class, is a party to him. Michael has started a discipline program modeled after the movie 'Holes'. Every time Will comes home with a negative report from school, he has to dig a hole. The first hole had to be 1 foot by 1 foot by 1 foot. No big deal, right? But the second hole was 2 feet by 2 feet by 2 feet. The job gets much harder as the size goes up. Michael has a PVC pipe with 1 foot markings all the way up in 1 foot intervals and keeps it right beside the shovel. Once the hole is measured by me or Michael, Will has to fill it all back in. It's really making him THINK. I think its a great idea and I hope before his holes get much larger, we stop getting discipline reports from his school.

Andrew has come back home to live with us for awhile. His job at Honda was only a 3 month contract, so he is between jobs right now. He's been very busy looking for another job and has 2 interviews next week. Michael has taken him clothes shopping to make sure he has 1 "interview outfit" to wow the prospective employers with. He also has some academic work that needs to be completed, and everyone is pitching in to support that as well. Amanda has volunteered to tutor him in Science, as that is the only area he lacks to meet the Georgia graduation requirements.

John came home from Iraq on September 6. He's now working at Atlanta National (where he worked before he left), and is also trying to get on with the Alpharetta police department. He passed the physical and written tests with no problem, and has his final test, which is an oral exam, next Tuesday. We are all excited and proud for him. He has lots of options. He has ben saving like mad because he wants to buy a house.

Michael is still doing the drive to work every day, which takes it's toll on him. His chronic Bronchitis has been very active the last few weeks, and he has to use the nebulizer a lot. But work itself is going well - he even got a bonus last week! We incorporated my business and made Michael the president. Sales have been great, and Michael does all the work while I sit )and boss him around :-). Michael has done a tremendous amount of work on his family history. He submitted his research to the Gwinnett Historical Society, and a HUGE book detailing the history of many Gwinnett Familys was released and dedicated last Sunday. Michalel's work was included in the book. We are all so proud of his efforts. I was too tired from the day in Columbus to go to the ceremony, but John and Sayra went, which was perfect. I'm really glad some of the family was there to support him.

I've had my normal ups and downs health-wise. I had this burn scar on my arm that 'exploded'. It just expanded out about an inch. None of my other scars did this, it was weird. One of my Drs. saw it and sent me directly over to Dr. Rachal, a dermitologist. They gave me around 30 cortizone shots in the puffy area and took a biopsy. The swelling quickly went down, and the biopsy was negative for sarcoid. The stiches got infected, and caused me to have to stay out of the pool for about 4 days. Then came the falls. I've falledn 3 times in the last week. The first fall was because of wet leaves which hid the edge of the walkway. I thought I was stepping on the walkway, but instead was halfway on the walkway, and halfway off. I fell forward, but only made my toes on my right foot sore. Then came a bigger fall. I was getting into my van, and my left knee just 'disappeared' from under me. My left leg twisted and made this horrible crunching sound, and I fell flat down. The pain was through the roof, but didn't last long. Soon, I was able to drag myself into the van and go on. I tried to treat my left leg very gently all day, hoping I wouldn't need to see a dr. Then, I went to get in my van and the same thing happened again, but much worse. This time, I was laid flat down in the driveway (which is very steep), with my head down and my feet up higher. I couldn't move at all. I felt like the old woman in the commercial that says "I've fallen and I can't get up!" I called and called, but no one in the house heard me. Then finally, Andrew drove up and saw me. Then all of the kids came out and helped me up. I succomed and went to the ER. No broken bones, but they fitted me with thisdevice that keeps my leg immoble and put me on a walker. I'm supposed to follow up with an Orthapedic Dr., but I really don't want to. I think they will just run a bunch of tests, charge me a bunch of money, and in the end the treatment will be no different - keep the leg immoble and use the walker until it heals.

Other big news - I received notice that my SS case has finally been APPROVED. I don't have any details about exact amounts yet. I'm talking to several attorneys locally to ensure I have an advocate because there is money to be repaid to my LTD company, and it would be foolish to take their word (the LTD company) for how much I owe them and the terms for repayment.

Well, today is turkey day and there was not even a slice of turkey at our house. Our family celebrated Thanksgiving last saturday, so everyone went their different ways today. Mom and Dad spent time with Amanda, Bo, and Marsha, and knowing them, there was plenty of good treats to eat. John and Andrew went to some of their mother's family. I expect Joel's family spent time with Regina's clan, and I don't know what Jeff's family did. I spent the day mostly laying flat on my back with my Bionicare on my left knee.

We've started bringing in the dogs at night (in crates). Our dogs are pound puppies, brother and sister, and if they can't see each other they go positively mad. So we sit the crates face to face so they can see each other all night. Our problem has been that they bark ALL NIGHT LONG. So we tried the crates. The really nice thing is that they are perfectly quiet all night in their crates. So maybe we've solved a problem for us AND our neighbors. Plus, with the weather getting cold, I know they mus feel better inside.

I finally found a solution to the cat digging in (and pooping in) my house plants. I got some rather heavy, flat river rocks from Pikes, and layed them over the soil in the pant pots. This is advice I got on Yahoo Answers. Sure enough, Garfield can't move the rocks to get to the soil, and so my plants have been in for over 1 week, and remain unmolested by my dear feline. Such a simple idea, but I never thought of it. Last year I tried Cayenne pepper and sticky tape, neither of which worked. Garfield had a heyday with my plants and the stink was, well, stinky. I think we've won the battle this year! He's such a sweet cat, the only cat I've ever known that isn't stand-offish. We all love him, though technically he's Will's cat. He loves to get on top of the bird cage and stare down at Sam and Darin, Amanda's two Cockateils. It drives the birds crazy, but he can't harm them.

Well, that's my best effort to make up for weeks of not writhing. So long and good night from the Allen house.

The Difference

The difference between a Motel 6 and your Family's Home

1. At the M6, you come and go as you please, any time day or night. Time doesn't matter - you can just walk in and flop down on whatever seems comfortable at the time and stay as short or long of a time as you want to. At your family's home, you keep in touch with your loved ones and let them know how to reach you and when to expect you to be home. This is not only because you care about each other, but also for safety and in case family members need to reach each other in emergencies. This is also something very old fashioned called 'good manners' and even 'common sense'.
2. At the M6, you can bring in your friends anytime day or night. It doesn't matter if your family knows them, or even if you just met them in a bar - you can hang out, sleep, party, whatever as you please with whomever you please. At your family's home, you check ahead and make sure it is a convenient time to bring friends over. You ask, not only because you are polite and respectful of the rest of the family, but also because the family has a right to know who is coming and going inside their home. You introduce your friends to the family when they come over. This is also another one of those old fashioned things known as 'respect'.
3. At the M6, you can leave for days at a time (provided your room is paid up), and no one will care. You don't need to check in, in fact the innkeeper would think you were wierd if you did check in. With your family, you would never 'disappear' because you know your family loves you and would be worried about you. You would never deliberately 'miss' their calls - You would want them to be able to find you and know you are safe. You would even want to hear about them - their lives, how things are going, as well as sharing with them about your life. This is called 'communication', and is a sign of a healthy relationship.
4. If you 'live' at th M6, you don't really have to LIVE there. You can just dump your stuff there, use it as your mailing address, and basically thats it. Then you can REALLY live in all sorts of places, with all sorts of people - you can even move around day to day and LIVE with different people every day of the week. At your family's home, if you LIVE there, that means you spend time there. You go to sleep there (most nights), and wake up there. It is where you go after work or school every day. You eat meals and spend time with the family. You help out around the house, you communicate, and you share your life with your family. If you are an adult, once you finish school and have a job (and you choose to continue living at home), you voluntarily pay rent monthly to your parents to help suppport your home. This is another one of those pesky old fashioned ideas called being 'honorable'.

There are, of course, many more differences between a Motel 6 and your Family Home, just like there are differences between a Public Storage unit and your Family's home. Oh, and incidentially, the 'good manners', 'common sense', 'respect', 'communication', and 'honorable' behavior is expected from ADULTS. After all, only a child could possibly confuse his/her Family's Home with a Motel 6.

Expensive but Worth It

Friday was a special day. Amanda and I bought tickets to a local play "Funny Money", and made plans for a girl's night out. She had to see two plays this semester fo fulfill her theater class requirements, and this was play #2. The first play we saw was "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf", so we decided it was time for a change of pace and "Funny Money", being a British Comedy, was certainly that.

To be sure I would have enough energy, I 'saved my spoons' all day, just resting and being sure to stay on my O2 constantly. By the time I picked Will up from school, I felt like I could squeeze in a trip to Wal-Mart (riding the scooter of course), to get him some warm clothes. We've been talking about it for about 3 weeks now, and he was way overdue. It is such an unexplainable simple pleasure of parenting to take the kids clothes shopping. It's such a joy to see them get excited about a pair of pants, a sweatshirt, to see their smile, to know you have a small part in making them happy and caring for their needs. I'm always so grateful for the blessing of having enough money to take care of my kids. Anyway, towards the end of our shopping, my scooter ran out of battery juice, and Will had to push me in the scooter full of clothes up to the front of the store, so he got a good work-out.

We got home about 5 minutes before Amanda, and so I dressed and took about 30 minutes of Oxygen before we started out for the play. We had never been to this playhouse before, so we left early to make sure we could find it on time. It turned out to be easy to find, and not so far away. Although it was in Marietta, it was on our side of Marietta, just down Sandy Plains Road. Amanda Drove, so I got to rest and use my portable O2 during the ride. After we found the playhouse (Centerstage Theater, I think), we went over to a nearby shopping center for a quick bite to eat. The choices were a Pizza/Pasta place, and Jersey Mike's Subs. Amanda urged for the sub place, but I prevailed - I really wanted to try the Pasta. Turns out she was right. The pasta took way too long to come and we had to pack it up in go boxes almost as soon as it arrived so we could make it to the play on time. I made a critical mistake - I ordered Angel Hair with fresh garlic, forgetting that I would be sitting in close proximity to a lot of other people for the next 2 hours. By the time I realized this, it was too late, so I pulled out the tic-tacs and tried my best not to breathe on anyone. Amanda had Fettucinni Alfredo, and it was totally yummy! She hesitated to order it because with Fettucinni Alfredo, it's either really good, or really bad. It's like a 50/50 chance with a new place you haven't tried before. But fortunately, it turned out to be good.

The play was fast moving and humurous, with only a couple of real belly-laughs. The theather ws smallish- and like a black box theater. We got seats right on the front row. We sat next to an elderly lady (Amanda was next to her - lucky for her she didn't get too close to my garlic breath!). When she sat down, she asked Amanda to help her with her sweater. It was obvious she had very bad Arthritis. Amanda was so kind and respectful to her and helped her off with her sweater. Then she arranged it around her shoulders to keep her warm. They struck up a conversation, and it turned out that this lady is a founding board member for the Alliance Theater. Of course this gave them something in common to discuss, and they talked until the show started. At the intermission and again when the play was over, Amanda helped her with her sweater. Her hands were knarled and swollen and she said she had been suffering from Arthritis for more than 20 years.

Since we went to the play on opening night, there was a gathering afterward to meet and greet with the cast and have desserts. They had this most awesome carrot cake and it was like a magnet drawing me to it, but Amanda helped me resisit. After we got home, I thanked her - I felt a small victory in resisitng the temptation.

Saturday morning the bill came due. Great pain, so much stiffness, I couldn't get out of bed. Just reached over and took my pills plus breakthrough pain pills and laid there. Never even turned on the TV, talked to anyone on the phone - nothing. I finally woke up at 2:40 PM and thought it was still morning. So, I missed a day. But it was worth it. I would do it again.

Holding Every Thought Captive

It's a verse I learned as a child and have 'always' known:

2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

While I was swimming the other day, I was meditating and praying as I usually do during my swims, and this verse came to me as I was praying about an issue that's been bothering me a lot lately. It occured to me that everything that comes out of my mouth starts out as a thought. So I have started 'holding the thoughts captive', like holding them up to the light and looking really hard at them before I allow them to go from my brain and out my mouth. What HUGE improvement this has made. Many, many times, when I hold the thought up to the light I get the answer to not release the thought into words. In other words, I keep my mouth shut. Many other times, when I hold the thought up to the light, I am given a different way or even just a different tone to use when I verbalise the thought. Sometimes, I am given something totally different to say than the original thought.

I think this must be what my Dad has done all of his life. He is a man of few words, but the words he says are always meaningful and wise. I know that James is his favorite book, and it talks about taming the tongue, so maybe that is another place where he draws strength.

In any case, it's working for me and I am grateful.

And so we try again

Back home from the hospital, flare 'semi-settled', I'm now on 20 mg of the devil's brew daily and still my joints are huge and hot before I even get out of bed. My weight is worse than ever, and I'm overwhelmed thinking about how long it will take to get back down to 10 and how my legs and feet are so stiff and painful I can barely walk now. Still reeling from the massive IV doses and Morphene and just the whole chaos of it all. But today I tried to start again. Saw Barbara, even though I missed 1/2 of my appointment due to the traffic. Got to have my monthly Remicade, no infections around to delay that. Then took a long nap with the bionicare on my right leg. Even had a plesant time with my daughter, I don't think I said anything wrong or hurtful and she smiled a lot. Good food in the fridge - real homade food from my Mother, what a blessing to have. Now I'll go find my kids and try to make sure they know I love them before they go to bed. Tomorrow I will keep trying.

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

Finally had to go to CLH last Friday and admintted to hospital to get the flare under control. So I got 180 MG daily via iv of Presnisone plus plenty of tranquilizers to keep me from going nuts, and lots of Morphene for the pain.

It was a real trip this time. Due to a mix-up on my meds, I ended up going into withdrawal on Friday night and turned into a raving lunatic. I made this huge scene and ripped out my iv and was trying to escape the hospital without any oxygen. They had to call security and there weare these doctors and nurses and everyone trying to 'talk me down'. Turns out it was ALL CHEMICAL, the ER intake had not passed along my meds info to the next department, etc, etc, and by Friday night I was in cold turkey withdrwawal from a half dozen meds that I HAVE to have on schedule, every day, on time. It gave me a real appreciation for what people who are detoxing must have to go through. But at least they know they are detoxing, and they are given support to help ease them through the detox process.

It was a real mess, but when I awoke about 3AM in my room, there was this sweet lady just sitting there next to me. Turns out, I had been assigned to have a constant "sitter" for the remainder of my stay. These "sitters" just came and went, quietly just being there with me. If I wanted to talk, we talked. If I didn't want to talk, they just quietly attended me. It turned out that every single one of them was a Christian or seeking Christ, and we always ended up having such special fellowship! It was truly amazing, the sharing that happened between me and my "sitters" over the weekend.

Looking back, there was clearly a purpose in this episode. I was visted by my family, 2 of the hospital chaplains, and my pastor and a friend from church. The chaplain visits were amazing. I've never had a hospital chaplain visit me before, but for some reason ??? I checked 'Yes' on the box requesting a chaplain visit.

The 2nd chaplain that came in did something so profound. We talked about my greif over the loss of my abililty to be a part of the Worship Team, and to use my career to bless people in the corporate world. (You see, that was always my reason to get up in the morning and to the 'corporate thing' - it was a cover for me to try to show Jesus to the people I worked with). This is something I have rarely talked about because it has been so painful - like I would want to know WHY would God take away my ability to minister FOR HIM? Like being spurned by a lover. Very painful. Well, this chaplain really 'got it'. And then he helped me understand some things, and left me with SUCH HOPE for the future! This verse has new meainng for me now:

Isaiah 53:5But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

My pastor has told me over and over the same thing, but I just didn't 'get it' until this weekend as I sat in the hospital with this sweet spirited, gentle man from South Korea. He explained how even God (temporarily) turned his back on his only son on the cross, and that he HAD do to that in order for Jesus' sufering to be REAL. And in order for me to MINISTER to people, I have to truely WALK THE PATH myself. Then it becomes REAL and I can connect with hurting people and minister to them. I ended up leaving with such a sense of purpose and hope, and yes - gratitude for all of the sharing with my 'sitters' over the weekend.

Romans 8:28 (KJV)
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

I have a nw acceptance. I am walking this path for a reason. Whether I see the results in this life or the next, it doesn't matter. Each pain, each hurt, is in my path for a reason, that reason being MINISTRY to other hurting people that can't be done unless you've actually WALKED THE PATH.

Stubborn

This time the flare is being so stubborn. I've been taking the extra Prednisone for 3 days now, and I feel worse than before I started taking it. Not a good sign, I'm afraid. Joints worse, breathing worse, chest rattle worse. And the nightmares, God the nightmares. They just keep coming and coming and my mental state is on the fritz. I don't want to have to go to the hospital, but at least there I would get some support. Around here, it's just like 'lets ignore Mom for as long as we can and maybe she'll just go away". And if I dare to ASK for anything, you would think the world was coming to an end. So I just don't ask, and so I don't get what I need to get better. It really stinks. They all act like I'm such an imposition on their lives, and I know I must be. After all, how long should they be expected to put up with this? This was never in the bargain - for any of them. But here I am, sick and getting sicker - needy and getting needier and just praying to God to either make me well or take me home.

A Flare

I've been feeling it coming on, joints swelling, chest hurting, cough, rattle, it always seems to happen when I go below 10 MG on the demon drug. I've tried every day to mentally battle it, to keep swimming, to tell myself I would level off, that it would be different this time.

It was not to be so. Yesterday Dr. Leeper listened to my chest and said if I weren't already on so much Remicade and Methotrexate, he would put me up to 60 mg of Prednisione. We compromised at 20. He couldn't believe I had been swimming that same day. How? he asked. How can I not? was my answer. I have a life to live, kids to raise, THINGS TO DO.

After Dr. Leeper, Amanda and I went to little 5 points. She really loves going down there, and it gives me joy to see that. We went in a shop where a bird had flown in, and the shop keeper was trying to shoo it out with a broom type contraption. She didn't have any luck at that while we were in there. We looked at vintage clothes, crystals, incense, trinkets and toys, and just plain wierd stuff. We ate lunch at a place where the front wall is a huge garage door (like at a mechanic). The door was wide open and a nice breeze came in. We were right on the street and we could people watch while we ate. It was nice. Then I could walk no longer, so I took up residence in the window of a bakery and sipped Lemonade while Amanda walked around. A guy with a teal painted skull walked by a few times. Some girls with about 80% of their bodies tattooed came by, and there was this one guy trying to sell everyone newspapers. If you wouldn't buy one, he became borderline violent, so we stayed as far away from thim as we could.

Next, we drove north to my next appointmnet. We were early, and there was a Great Clips across the street, so I decide to get a quick hair trim before my 6:00 appointment. That was mistake. I think the black guy cutting my hair had never cut a white girls' hair before. He took F-O-R-E-V-E-R. He started a 5:10 and finished at 6:18. At 6:00 I tried to get up from the chair and leave, but he woulndn't let me. I still have no idea what he was doing, but whatever it was, he did it ONE HAIR AT A TIME. My head weighs at least 1 extra poound because of all the goop he kept putting in there. And I have such a simple haircut! All he had to do was follow the cut, trim it up, blow dry it and be done. It was the strangest experience in a hair salon I've ever had, like some perverse twilight zone version of "Just a routine trip to the hair salon", with a hideous cackling and off-key music playing in the background.

Finally, I did make it to my next appointment and then back home. It was a long day and I was tired. My O2 tank ran out just as we got into the Alpharetta City Limits. Today was a setback medically. Not only does the DEMON DRUG interrupt my sleep cycle, but it impacts WHO I AM, HOW I ACT, and worst of all HOW I THINK. And then it takes SO LONG to wean back down again.

I struggled with the decision. When I was preparing my morning meds last night, I put the 20mg in. Then I went back and took them out. Then back in, then back out. Then when I was struggling to lift one of my feet off the floor with both hands to put on a sock, I succumbed. I put the 20 mg back in, and in it stayed.

I have become so swollen that I can barely walk, dress, move even. My weight is way up, I think because I'm so swollen. Of course it will go up again when I start taking more Predninsione. It's like a vicious circus ride that never stops, only winds tighter and tighter, with less options at every turn, fewer paths of escape.

And then there was THE DREAM. THE DREAM I had the night before going to see Dr. Leeper. It was the most horrifying dream of my life. I was visited by DEATH, taunted by DEATH, mocked by DEATH, until I finally woke up in a cold sweat and had to take a shower, change my clothes, and the sheets. It shook me to the core of my soul, making me fearful of sleep. But I did pray, and I was spared another visitation last night. Well, to be honest I didn't sleep at all last night, so it's kind of deceptive to say I was spared the visitation. The truth is, I didn't sleep at all last night, so upset about the FLARE, the Prednisone, and the visitation from DEATH.

I put my bathing suit on at 3:00 this morning, with every intention of driving to swim at 5:30. But when 5:30 came around, I realized I was way too unstable to drive, so I didn't go. Michael said he'll take me tonight and I'm going to go. It's what I HAVE to do, Its ALL I CAN do to fight back, my tiny window of defiance against this disease from Hell.

So I put my suit back on, feeling nauseus like I was about to throw up everything I've ever eaten. I asked Michael to take me to get a salad before swimming, thinking that I just needed a nice glass of Iced Tea and some rabbit food. WRONG. I just got sicker at the restaurant. So we came back home, my entire salad with us in a to-go box. So despite 2 attempts, I didn't make it to the pool today. It's like windows that keep slamming shut, and I hate it. I will try again in the morning.

Today's WWII - The Stakes are High

THIS IS HISTORY THAT HAS BEEN LEFT OUT OF OUR TEXTBOOKS. MOST OF US ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THAT NEARLY EVERY FAMILY IN AMERICA WAS GROSSLY AFFECTED BY WWII. MOST OF US DON'T REMEMBER THE RATIONING OF MEAT, SHOES, GASOLINE, AND SUGAR. NO TIRES FOR OUR AUTOMOBILES, AND A SPEED LIMIT OF 35 MILES AN HOUR ON THE ROAD. NOT TO MENTION, NO NEW AUTOMOBILES. READ THIS AND THINK ABOUT HOW WE WOULD REACT TO BEING TAKEN OVER BY FOREIGNERS IN 2007.

This is an EXCELLENT essay. Well thought out and presented. I have taken the liberty of posting it here to my blog in an effort to help spread this crucial message and historical perspective.


Sixty-three years ago, Nazi Germany had overrun almost all of Europe and hammered England to the verge of bankruptcy and defeat, and had sunk more than four hundred British ships in their convoys between England and America for food and war materials. At that time the US was in an isolationist, pacifist mood, and most Americans wanted nothing to do with the European or the Asian war.

Then along came Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, and in outrage Congress unanimously declared war on Japan, and the following day on Germany, which had not yet attacked us. It was a dicey thing. We had few allies.

France was not an ally, as the Vichy government of France quickly aligned itself with its German occupiers. Germany was certainly not an ally, as Hitler was intent on setting up a Thousand Year Reich in Europe. Japan was not an ally, as it was well on its way to owning and controlling all of Asia. Together, Japan and Germany had long-range plans of invading Canada and Mexico, as launching pads to get into the United States over our northern and southern borders, after they finished gaining control of Asia and Europe. America's only allies then were England, Ireland, Scotland, Canada, Australia, and Russia. That was about it. All of Europe, from Norway to Italy, except Russia in the East, was already under the Nazi heel.

America was certainly not prepared for war. America had drastically downgraded most of its military forces after W.W.I and throughout the depression, so that at the outbreak of WW2, army units were training with broomsticks because they didn't have guns, and cars with "tank" painted on the doors because they didn't have real tanks. And a huge chunk of our navy had just been sunk or damaged at Pearl Harbor.

Britain had already gone bankrupt, saved only by the donation of $600 million in gold bullion in the Bank of England, that was actually the property of Belgium, given by Belgium to England to carry on the war when Belgium was overrun by Hitler (a little known fact). Actually, Belgium surrendered on one day, because it was unable to oppose the German invasion, and the Germans bombed Brussels into rubble the next day just to prove they could. Britain had already been holding out for two years in the face of staggering losses and the near decimation of its air force in the Battle of Britain, and was saved from being overrun by Germany only because Hitler made the mistake of thinking the Brits were a relatively minor threat that could be dealt with later, and first turning his attention to Russia, at a time when England was on the verge of collapse, in the late summer of 1940.

Ironically, Russia saved America's butt by putting up a desperate fight for two years, until the US got geared up to begin hammering away at Germany. Russia lost something like 24 million people in the sieges of Stalingrad and Moscow alone... 90% of them from cold and starvation, mostly civilians, but also more than a 1,000,000 soldiers. Had Russia surrendered, Hitler would have been able to focus his entire war effort against the Brits, then America. And the Nazis could possibly have won the war.

All of this is to illustrate that turning points in history are often dicey things. And now, we find ourselves at another one of those key moments in history. There is a very dangerous minority in Islam that either has, or wants and may soon have, the ability to deliver small nuclear, biological, or chemical weapons, almost anywhere in the world.

The Jihadis, the militant Muslims, are basically Nazis in Kaffiyahs -- they believe that Islam, a radically conservative form of Wahhabi Islam, should own and control the Middle East first, then Europe, then the world. And that all who do not bow to their will of thinking should be killed, enslaved, or subjugated. They want to finish the Holocaust, destroy Israel, and purge the world of Jews. This is their mantra.

There is also a civil war raging in the Middle East -- for the most part not a hot war, but a war of ideas. Islam is having its Inquisition and its Reformation, but it is not known yet which will win -- the Inquisitors, or the Reformationists.

If the Inquisition wins, then the Wahhabis, the Jihadis, will control the Middle East, the OPEC oil, and the US, European, and Asian economies. The techno-industrial economies will be at the mercy of OPEC -- not an OPEC dominated by the educated, rational Saudis of today, but an OPEC dominated by the Jihadis. You want gas in your car? You want heating oil next winter? You want the dollar to be worth anything? You better hope the Jihad, the Muslim Inquisition, loses, and the Islamic Reformation wins.

If the Reformation movement wins, that is, the moderate Muslims who believe that Islam can respect and tolerate other religions, and live in peace with the rest of the world, and move out of the 10th century into the 21st, then the troubles in the Middle East will eventually fade away, and a moderate and prosperous Middle East will emerge.

We have to help the Reformation win, and to do that we have to fight the Inquisition, i.e., the Wahhabi movement, the Jihad, Al Qaeda and the Islamic terrorist movements. We have to do it somewhere. And we can't do it everywhere at once. We have created a focal point for the battle at a time and place of our choosing........in Iraq.

Not in New York, not in London, or Paris or Berlin, but in Iraq, where we are doing two important things.

(1) We deposed Saddam Hussein. Whether Saddam Hussein was directly involved in 9/11 or not, it is undisputed that Saddam has been actively supporting the terrorist movement for decades. Saddam is a terrorist. Saddam is, or was, a weapon of mass destruction, who is responsible for the deaths of probably more than a million Iraqis and two million Iranians.

(2) We created a battle, a confrontation, a flash point, with Islamic terrorism in Iraq. We have focused the battle. We are killing bad people, and the ones we get there we won't have to get here. We also have a good shot at creating a democratic, peaceful Iraq, which will be a catalyst for democratic change in the rest of the Middle East, and an outpost for a stabilizing American military presence in the Middle East for as long as it is needed.

World War II, the war with the German and Japanese Nazis, really began with a "whimper" in 1928. It did not begin with Pearl Harbor. It began with the Japanese invasion of China. It was a war for fourteen years before America joined it. It officially ended in 1945 -- a 17 year war -- and was followed by another decade of US occupation in Germany and Japan to get those countries reconstructed and running on their own again ... a 27 year war.

World War II cost the United States an amount equal to approximately a full year's GDP -- adjusted for inflation, equal to about $12 trillion dollars. W.W.II cost America more than 400,000 killed in action, and nearly 100,000 still missing in action.

The Iraq war has, so far, cost the US about $160 billion,which is roughly what 9/11 cost New York. It has also cost about 2,200 American lives, which is roughly 2/3 of the 3,000 lives that the Jihad snuffed on 9/11. But the cost of not fighting and winning W.W.II would have been unimaginably greater -- a world dominated by German and Japanese Nazism.

This is not 60 minute TV shows, and 2 hour movies in which everything comes out okay.
The real world is not like that. It is messy, uncertain, and sometimes bloody and ugly. Always has been, and probably always will be.

The bottom line is that we will have to deal with Islamic terrorism until we defeat it, whenever that is. It will not go away if we ignore it.

If the US can create a reasonably democratic and stable Iraq, then we have an "England" in the Middle East, a platform, from which we can work to help modernize and moderate the Middle East. The history of the world is the clash between the forces of relative civility and civilization, and the barbarians clamoring at the gates. The Iraq war is merely another battle in this ancient and never ending war. And now, for the first time ever, the barbarians are about to get nuclear weapons. Unless somebody prevents them.

We have four options:

1. We can defeat the Jihad now, before it gets nuclear weapons.

2. We can fight the Jihad later, after it gets nuclear weapons (which may be as early as next year, if Iran's progress on nuclear weapons is what Iran claims it is)

3. We can surrender to the Jihad and accept its dominance in the Middle East, now, in Europe in the next few years or decades, and ultimately in America.

4. Or, we can stand down now, and pick up the fight later when the Jihad is more widespread and better armed, perhaps after the Jihad has dominated France and Germany and maybe most of the rest of Europe. It will, of course, be more dangerous, more expensive, and much bloodier.

If you oppose this war, I hope you like the idea that your children, or grandchildren, may live in an Islamic America under the Mullahs and the Sharia, an America that resembles Iran today.

The history of the world is the history of civilizational clashes, cultural clashes. All wars are about ideas, ideas about what society and civilization should be like, and the most determined always win.

Those who are willing to be the most ruthless always win. The pacifists always lose, because the anti-pacifists kill them.

Remember, perspective is every thing, and America's schools teach too little history for perspective to be clear, especially in the young American mind.

The Cold war lasted from about 1947 at least until the Berlin Wall came down in 1989. Forty-two years. Europe spent the first half of the 19th century fighting Napoleon, and from 1870 to 1945 fighting Germany

World War II began in 1928, lasted 17 years, plus a ten year occupation, and the US still has troops in Germany and Japan. World War II resulted in the death of more than 50 million people, maybe more than 100 million people, depending on which estimates you accept.

The US has taken more than 2,000 killed in action in Iraq. The US took more than 4,000 killed in action on the morning of June 6, 1944, the first day of the Normandy Invasion to rid Europe of Nazi Imperialism. In W.W.II the US averaged 2,000 KIA a week -- for four years. Most of the individual battles of W.W.II lost more Americans than the entire Iraq war has done so far.

But the stakes are at least as high ... A world dominated by representative governments with civil rights, human rights, and personal freedoms ... or a world dominated by a radical Islamic Wahhabi movement, by the Jihad, under the Mullahs and the Sharia (Islamic law).

It's difficult to understand why the American left does not grasp this. They favor human rights, civil rights, liberty and freedom, but evidently not for Iraqis.

"Peace Activists" always seem to demonstrate here in America, where it's safe. Why don't we see Peace Activist demonstrating in Iran, Syria, Iraq, Sudan, North Korea, in the places that really need peace activism the most?

The liberal mentality is supposed to favor human rights, civil rights, democracy, multiculturalism, diversity, etc., but if the Jihad wins, wherever the Jihad wins, it is the end of civil rights, human rights, democracy, multiculturalism, diversity, etc.

Americans who oppose the liberation of Iraq are coming down on the side of their own worst enemy.

A Matter of the Heart

Sometimes every word, every action, seems to come out wrong, or at the wrong time, or in the wrong tone, or maybe it's just received differently by the you than it was intended by me. The slightest flinch, cut of the eyes, smile on the lips, is somehow all twisted and perverted into a jagged edge that rips and tears at the fabric of our relationship.

Sometimes you love a person more than life itself, but being with them is like hearing fingernails on a blackboard, screeching and scraping and ripping your nails into dry dusty shards, finally leaving a chalky, scratched, and bloodstained board behind.

I feel your anger and contempt for me in every glance, I hear it in every word. I know I am detestible to you right now. I just don't know how it got to be that way.

Maybe its the phase of the moon, the phase of our lives, I just don't know. Maybe you just can't take the 'me' that I have become anymore, or the twists and turns that our lives have taken. It would be understandable, so much has been taken from you; so much asked of you. All I can say is that life isn't fair, and things are what they are. And I can say I'm truely sorry. For what I know I've done wrong and for the things I don't even know hurt you. My heart is pure for you even if my mind is sometimes cloudy, mixing up last week with last month, forgetting things that are important to you.

I can recall the easy going, comfortable place we used to share. When it didn't matter if we talked or not - silence was just as good as chatter. The secrets we shared, the times we laughed and did silly things just for the fun of it. When you trusted me and I saw love in your eyes.

What is the fermenting, boiling 'stuff' that is just beneath the surface all the time now, waiting to spurt out and plop all over both of us at the slightest disturbance? I hope and pray you can find a way to release this cancerous mass before it consumes the beauty that is inside you.

My love is too deep, too real, too strong to let go. I will ride it out. No matter what. Everything wavers except the heart - nothing else is true, and only death itself can quench it. If you can find a way to see into my heart, you'll know. You'll believe again. All the rest is just 'stuff'.

8 and counting

Dr. Butler lowered my Prednisone to 8 MG/daily on Thursday. It's been a tough go of it since then. Pain is up, Fatigue is up, taking more pain meds, and generally feeling bad. Today I didn't even get out of bed untl 4PM. The pain was so bad and I kept taking meds until I could finally stand to feel the air on my skin. Afater I finally got up, I had migraines and nausea for the rest of the day. So, I don't know about 8 MG, we may have pushed it too far for now. Might have to go back up to 9 or10 mg. I'm going to try my best to stick with this for at least 1 week before throwing in the towel. I had every intention of going swimming today too, but didn't make it. Today was my Methotrexate day too, and I took my injection late in the afternoon. So Sunday may be even more of a challenge than today. Oh well, going back to 8 or 10 mg for awhile won't be the end of the world. We can try to lower it again in a few months. Until then, I'm hanging in here.......

Necessary Change

Tuesday I did someting I've been needing to do for a long time. I went to a new Psychiatrist. There were many 'little things', and some not so little, that had been bothering me about my prior doc. 6 months ago, my therapist left his practice and went out on her own. I chose to stay with him for med. management, and went with my therapist for counseling. I knew even before she left his group that things weren't right there.

A few weeks ago I was visiting with my Father in Love, Bill, and he made and observation about me. He said I tend to stay in a bad situation too long, even after I know it's bad. He was right on, as usual. This is just one more example.

My new doc. is a woman, right here in Alpharetta, within my driving range. So I no longer have to arrange a ride downtown to see my Psychiatrist. That alone is a help to me and everyone who helps me out. We hit it off great. She is very easy to talk to and worked with my needs. She even spent 15 minutes over our alloted hour (sometihng my prior doc WOULD NEVER DO). Then she even asked if the fee structure was going to be a burden for my family. Now when have you heard of that? I was dumbstruck. Then, you won't believe this - she gave me her CELL PHONE number and said to call anytime.

When I would ask my prior doc. what a certain medicine did, or how it worked, he would always shrug off my questions with answers like 'it just does', or 'it works on some chemicals in your body'. When I asked her, she brought out a diagram and explained to me how my current meds are working, and how other medicines work differently.

All in all, I'm very happy to have finally made the change. The only downside is that I've been asleep since Tuesday (now it's Thursday), except for a few hours. The effort to go back to the beginning of 'all this' and 'tell my story' to her was emotionally very difficult. It wiped me out, put me to bed, boom. But I'm over it now, and awake, and here I sit blogging about it all. Today I'll call and cancel my upcoming appointment with 'HIM', and that will be that. Done.

A Great Place To Cry

I can't believe I've never thought of it before. Today at the pool I cried my eyes out and not a person noticed. I swam for 2 hours (rather than the 30 minutes I promised my doctor I would limit my swimming to) - crying the whole time. It's really great; water splashing up, mixing in with tears, lots of noise to mask the occasionial sob - all in all a really great approach to the whole thing. Sure beat laying in bed watching Humphrey Bogart (although he is my fav. old actor) movies and crying all day. In the process, I was actually DOING something. For at least those 2 hours, NO ONE can accuse me of NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. But I guess I could be accused of using it as a crutch.

Double Bump

So the foot thing was a bump - then came another bump. My left ear has been bothering me so I finally went to the ENT last Wednesday. He took one look at it and setup outpatient surgery for Friday morning. Seems my tube was sucked down into my middle ear and my eardrum grew back over it all. What a mess. Well fortunately there wasn't any infection in there and he released me for Remicade next week. The Infectious Disease doctor also released me for Remicade next week, so hopefully I'll be back on track soon.

I got my own flippers (since I think I may have got the infection from using the flippers at the Y), and I went swimming yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks. It felt GREAT. I also got these cool socks that you wear with the flippers (who would've ever thought of such a thing?). They were sooo comfortable and keep the flippers from rubbing against my skin. I really liked them.

I am sooooo ready to be healthy again, to be 'normal' again, to say YES when my friends and family ask me to go somewhere fun again. To hold a job again. I wonder if I'll be tethered to an oxygen tank for the rest of my life. I wonder if I'll ever climb Blood Mountain again? If I could, I would go up there with Amanda and stay all night under the stars. That would be heaven on earth.

On another note, I'm begging Michael to find a different job with a rotating schedule, or to work nights or something. I fear I've become such a burden on my Mom and Amanda taking me back and forth to all of these doctor appointments I have. Amanda will be going to college soon, then it will all fall back on Mom, and I hate the thought of it. She doesn't need the stress and expense of coming over here all the time to take me downtown. She needs a break from ME.

On yet another note, I did another one of my 'escapes' last week. It all started while I was trying to put up a wallpaper border in Will's room - I needed both Amanda and Will to help me. As usual, things deteriorated between the two of them. Finally Amanda left. It was really hard to finish it up without her help. I feel like my heart is being ripped out and pulled apart by them. It is so hard when your children seem to hate each other and disrespect each other like that. I could have gone straight to a very negative place. Instead, I packed enough stuff for an overnight trip, filled my oxygen tank, and left. I did do them the courtesy of leaving a note saying I would be back at 5AM the next morning (I had to be back to go for my surgery). I decided I needed a break and I needed to pamper myself, so I did. I checked into a very nice hotel, ordered room service, and watched movies. Every now and then, I thought about my 'problem' and started getting weepy and all, but for the most part I was OK. Maybe it wasn't the best response, but it was a better response than staying home and being emotionally battered all day. When I got home, Will apologized and seemed genuinely worried about where I had gone and if I had been safe. Amanda was mad at me and I think still is. She told me she is 'not to interested' in going on our vacation in August. I told her it's completely up to her, she just needs to let me know today because I have to have time to change things. I can't get refunds at the last minute. I am disappointed, because my kids haven't had a vacation with Mom for 4 YEARS. I was so excited to plan something special for them and to be able to go along with them to enjoy it. I made special invitations for each of them, I really tried to make a big deal of it and to make them feel special. I've decided that if Amanda backs out, I'll just try to get some one else (that can drive) to go with me and Will. I've decided not to let it ruin a special time, even though I'd wanted Amanda to share in it. I'm determined NOT to let it hurt me or wallow in rejection. That's healthy, right?

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

I had 2 pretty good weeks back to back - a record for me, the most "good days" in a row I've had since getting sick. I even got my hair cut - my first haircut in 3 years! It's hard to fathom that I've felt too sick to even get a haircut for 3 years... but its the truth. I really like it short, it's so much cooler and looks so much better. I've also been swimming a lot and LOST weight (16 pounds) for the first time in 3 years, all really good stuff! I saw my Pulmonoligist on Monday and told him I was swimming without any oxygen and he was very concerned. He finally agreed to let me keep swimming, but only for a max of 30 minutes, then I have to put my O2 on 4 liters when I get out of the pool. We took a walk down the hall with no O2 and my sat went to mid-80s' within 30 seconds. I could tell he really isn't comfortable with me swimming and being off O2, but I was about to cry and I think he knew it would just break me if he cut out my swimming out altogether. It was like he read my mind. H looked at me and said "I'm not going to take your lifeline away." Wow, I'm sooo grateful for this doctor. I must have been through a dozen Pulmonologists before finally finding him. He is the first one that really "gets it". He treats me as a whole person, not just as a pair of lungs. He seems truely interested in my case and in the devistating impact that Systemic Sarcoid can have on a person's life. Unfortunately, the damage to my lungs is permanent, it's not like they are going to 'heal', or can be 'fixed' - and I've never even smoked! That means I'll be on O2 until or unless I have a lung transplant at some point. Right now my Sarcoid is stage 3, and hopefully it won't go to stage 4, so I'm looking at O2 on a permanent basis and hoping we don't get to the transplant stage. There is a lot of buzz on the Sarc sites these days about Beryllium Poisioning. It seems that a LOT of people with Sarcoid test positive for Beryllium Poisioning. I asked my doctor to test me and he ordered the blood test that shows whether or not you have been exposed to Beryllium. He said if that is positive, then you have to have a Bronchoscopy to definitavely diagnose toxic levels. He said if I do test positive, my treatment and prognosis won't change, but at least I would know. He said if he were me, he'd want to know too. Now, this is the amazing part. I took the orders to the EMORY lab, and they didn't know how to do the test! They sent me home with the orders in hand and said my Doctor would be in touch with me to tell me where to go get it done!!! Can you imagine - at EMORY!!

Next, on Tuesday I went to my Diabetes Dr. My A1C is down to 7 (Yea!!) and my cholestorol is back in the normal range. Liver and Kidney functions are good too. But then I showed him my foot. It looks "funny" and hurts REALLY BAD to stand or walk. He said it looked like Cellulitis and sent me directly to an Infectious Disease Dr. (Dr. Dailey). Dr. Dailey thinks the infection is not deep and did blood work and sent me to the hospital for x-rays just to make sure I didn't have another fracture (My bones are so compromised at this point that they fracture very easily). I went back today and the x-ray is normal (another Yea!), but the pain is still very bad. He explained what I should watch for, symptoms that would indicate the infection has gone deep into my foot, and put me on a topical cream for 10 days. So, of course I can't get in the pool again until it is all healed up (sounds like a broken record), and I probably can't get my Remicade infusion next week (another broken record). He said it could take several weeks to completely heal. I have a call in to Dr. Butler to find out if I can have Remicade next week.

I suspect I may have got the infection from using the fins at the Y, so I'm going to buy myself a pair of my own before I go back to the pool. I'm going to get some of that pink liquid soap they make you wash with before surgery. Then I'm going to wash my feet with it every time I go to the Y after I swim.... Maybe with those changes I'll be able to avoid a repeat of this infection. I'm also going to get a new gym bag that rolls, because right now I have to have some one go with me to carry it. I can carry it into the Y (just barely), but after I swim, I can't carry it back out, unless I leave the Oxygen tank out of the bag because I'm too weak.

Yesterday was pretty tough, it seems just when I'm starting to show improvements, there are setbacks. Plus I ran out of oxygen while we were running between doctors offices, pharmacy, and the hospital. I was off oxygen for at least 3 hours in 90+ degree heat, and that didn't help matters. I had only planned to go to 1 quick appointment and hadn't taken enough O2 to last all day. When we finally got home, I was too weak to go upstairs; I just collapsed on the recliner, took a healthy dose of pain pills, put my oxygen on, and went to sleep.
Amanda spent the whole day driving me around and had to miss some things she had planned to do. She is such a sweetheart, she's so patient about taking care of me. I was glad that we got home in time for her to do her normal Tuesday night activities at least. When Michael came home, he let me cry while he put the medicine on my foot and then made the most wonderful smoothies. We sat and sipped and talked, and he really helped me calm down from everything and lifted my spirits.

2 Down and 1 to Go

Today I had my 2nd epidural to attempt to stop the back pain I've been suffering from for the last 2 months. I've had buldging discs at L4/L5 and L5/S1 for nearly 20 years. Over the years, I've been blessed to avoid surgery by having epidurals, which have so far been successful. Now the doc says my L4/L5 vertabrae are "bone on bone" and the prognosis of the epidurals is not so good. But I'm hanging onto hope. The first treatment helped some - I'd say about 25% improvement. This treatment was done at a different facility (much better in my opinion), and I can already feel the improvement. I'm VERY hopeful for a positive outcome. I have an appointment already setup for my 3rd shot in 4 weeks at the same center. I really believe that after the 3rd shot I'll be much better and able to get around again. I learned a lesson about my oxygen - I've been leaving it at home if I "feel ok" and "think I can get by". When I got to the center, my o2 sat was 78%! They got me on oxygen right away. I hate it, but I just have to start being more consistant with it. When my back started hurting so bad, I sort of started getting lax because the weight of carrying it made my back hurt even more. But I can't go around with 78% sat (anything below 94% is considered low) !

We couldn't work out any arrangements for Will this morning, so he had to go to the Pain Clinic with us. It wasn't too bad, because as soon as I went back, Michael and Will went to McDonalds for breakfast. Shortly after they got back to the center, I was released. So Will didn't have too much time to climb the walls. I was hungry, so we took a quick stop by Waffle House for some comfort food - Cheese Eggs and Grits - for me. At the clinic, they gave me a 'feel good' shot to help me relax during the procedure, so I came home and slept until about 2PM. After that, I was up and around and had much less back pain than I've been having - I really think this doctor hit the right nerve! I got a package together for John and wrote him a letter and Michael took it to the Post Office for me.

Michael worked so hard cleaning the garage and washing John's car, and Will helped out. In the evening, they cleaned up and went to a Scout meeting where Will passed off some of his physical fitness activities. They came home with an extra boy - one of Will's friends came over to spend the night. Now the boys have had pizza and are downstairs playing pool, and Michael and I are upstairs getting ready to call it a day. There are plans to go to see fireworks at Wills park tomorrow night - Michael and Will always go. Then on Thursday they plan to go North for a guys-only trout fishing & camping trip. I love fresh trout. YUMMMM.

Domino

The call came from my sister in-law in the Summer of 1993. A family was moving and couldn't take their cat. Were we interested in adopting a cat? You bet we were! I have been a cat lover all my life. Since moving from an apartment to a house in March, Amanda had been begging for a cat. We wasted no time driving to the family's home in Kennesaw to meet Domino. She was clean and well cared for, pretty with bright green eyes. True to her name, her coat was black and white. The famly had selected her from a litter of kittens at the Big Chicken in December 1990, so she was almost 3 years old. After loading her and all of her "things" into my car, it was off to pickup Amanda and present her with a BIG surprise!

Amanda was thrilled. She immediately took to Domino and we headed home. For the hour or so drive, Domino roamed around the car howling and meowing - she was a bit freaked out, as to be expected. At home, we kept Domino inside for about 3 weeks. This was to try to get her well accomodated and lessen the possibility that she would roam. Finally the day came for her to go outdoors. She loved it. She ran all around the yard, darting here and there. She kept circling farther and farther from the house, and eventually went out of sight. Amanda was beside herself with fear. Would Domino come back? Would she run away? Would she get hurt? Bedtime came and went, but no Domino. With great difficulty, I finally got Amanda to sleep with the promise that I would wake her up if Domino came home.

Around midnight we heard cats outside. Opening the front door, I saw 2 black and white cats on the front porch, facing each other, backs arched, both growling. The problem was, I couldn't tell which one was Domino! We picked them both up and brought them inside. In the light, we were able to tell them apart. We put the other cat back out and I ran upstairs to tell Amanda that Domino was home safe and sound. The smile on Amanda's face was radiant. I placed Domino on Amanda's bed and they went to sleep.

Amanda entered Kindergarten in the Fall. She was in Mrs. Harris' class, and one of the highlights of the year was pet day. Amanda wanted me to bring Domino. On the appointed day, I placed Domino in a cardboard box and we drove the 2 miles to school. Carrying Domino in that box was tricky. She definately didn't want to be in the box, and was expending all possible energy to escape. I made my way as quickly as I could to Amanda's classroom and let Domino escape from the box. Now she was faced with a room full of 5 year olds - she was truely freaked out! She ran up the bookshelves to the highest place in the room and sat there glaring down at us all. Mrs. Harris asked Amanda some questions about Domino and the children watched her for a few minutes, then it was time for us to leave. I managed to get Domino back in the box and practically ran to the car. She was clawing and biting and howling, trying to get out. I barely made it back to the car before the box split open. I got her back home and she settled down. That was the last time I took her in the car without a proper pet carrier.

One night I came home late from work, in the days when I still wore panty hose and pumps. As I got out of my car, I saw Domino in the shadows fighting with another cat. I grabbed a broom and tried to seperate the cats. They started running through the yard and woods, still fighting. I gave chase, all the while trying to seperate them with the broom. Finally the cats got enough of it all and parted company, each going their own way. Panting, with ruined panyhose and muddy pumps, I limped back to the house, dragging the broom behind. As I neared the front door I looked up and saw Domino - inside the house. There she sat on the windo sill just watching everything going on outside. It was then that it occured to me just how many black and white cats there are in the world. I had just gone through considerable effort and sweat chasing 2 black and white cats around in the dark, and neither one was mine!

The maddest I've ever seen Domino was the day of the strawberry bath. Will was around 3 years old and wanted a bubble bath. At that age, he called her "Minomino", and liked to eat and drink from her dises in the kitchen. Anyway, I prepared the bath with an extra dose of bubble bath. The bubbles mounded up a good 1-2 feet above the rim of the tub. Quick as a wink, Will grabbed Domino and tossed her into the frothy mix. Like a bullet, she flew back out and ran as far away as possible. Soaking wet, she hid behind the couch in the den. She was a sight, all wet and bubbly and really ticked off! I took a picture of her and will try to find it.

Another funny Domino story is when we could hear her but we couldn't find her. It was really odd, and sounded like her meows were coming from the vents in the house. We had recently had some construction work done, and in the process the vent covers were removed for a few days. I was convinced that she had found an open vent and crawled into the duct work. It sounded like she was in the duct work under the floor in my bathroom. So Michael took a saw and cut through the floor and duct work to rescue her. After cutting a gaping hole in the floor we were disappointed when we found she was not in there. Although both Amanda and Michael had already checked the crawl space, I decided to go check it one more time. I opened the door and there she was. Domino just sat there and stared at me and let out a tiny little "meow". Then she calmly walked out of the crawl space as if nothing had happened.

At around 12 years old, Domino started having arthritic problems. It got harder for her to clean herself, and Amanda started giving her special medicine every day. We started bathing her in the bathtub since she couldn't clean herself very well. We had to hold her in the water - it took 2 of us to bathe her. After her bath, Amanda would wrap her in a towel and blow dry her hair. Domino was slowing down.

Last night, Amanda came in from the garage with tears in her eyes. She said something was wrong with Domino. I asked what was wrong and she said "I think she's dying". We put Domino on a towel and into a plastic crate and broght her in the house. She was very limp and unresponsive. I put the crate on Amanda's bed and left the two of them to be alone for awhile. Later, Amanda asked me if I would be with Domino, she just couldn't handle it. I put Domino next to me on my bed and slept beside her, my hand always touching her. I kept waking up and fearing the worst, only to see Domino still breathing, lying next to me.

At around 2:30 this morning I woke up and checked on Domino. She had pulled her little body over closer to me so that her head was on my pillow. She wasn't breathing anymore. The end had come. Her little lifeless body was cold.

Farewell Domino, we miss you. We are grateful for the many years of friendship and fun you gave our family. I know Amanda will have other pets, but there will never be one like Domino. From Kindergarten through High School graduation they were best buds.

Prednisone, Horns, and Popping Discs

Today was my monthly checkup with Dr. Butler. The GREAT news is that I'm going down again on my Prednisone from 12.5 mg to 10 mg starting tomorrow. The other GREAT news is that she is prescribing a brand new treatment for me to try that DOES NOT INVOLVE DRUGS!! It's something that has just recently been approved by the FDA; some sort of gadget that goes on your knees and hands while you sleep and sends electricity into the joints. Dr. Butler said it sounds wacky, but she knows the researchers that developed it and has high regard for them. During the trials, they were able to demonstrate through verifiable tests that this treatment actually reduces the inflammatory tissue in the joints by significant amounts. I'm eager to get started. I'll have to be fitted for the 'gadgets', and I'm sure Dr. Butler will have to write a justification to get my insurance company to fork over the $$ for it. I just wish I could remember what it's called!

Another good peice of news is that the skin on my back has finally healed, so I can go back to the pool. Since the pool is the only type of exercise I'm allowed to do, this really means a lot to me. I've gained so much weight on this nasty Prednisone over the last 3 years that I desperately want to lose. Even if I can only last 20 minutes in the pool, it's at least a MENTAL victory for me.

My back is another story. My L5/S1 vertabrae are "bone on bone", according to my doc. I am in excruciating pain most of the time, even though I take 60 mg of oxycontin every day and 6 Vicoden for breakthrough. It was so bad yesterday that I cried during my entire appointment with Dr. Becker. The doc says I really need surgery, but because of my health conditions I am NOT a good candidate for it. We are doing a series of 3 epidurals and praying for a good outcome. I've had 2 buldging discs for nearly 20 years now, and have had several rounds of epidurals that have been succesful. The difference now is I'm older, I have Osteoporosis (from the Prednisone), I'm Diabetic (from the Prednisone), and WAAAAAY overweight (from the Prednisone), plus the disc is in really bad shape. Honestly, I don't think I can face anymore surgery, I am afraid I couldn't make it through. So this is something I'm praying about a lot these days. Every now and then I get a few minutes when the pain dies down to a dull roar, like right now, and I can write to my blog or something sedentary. I'm pretty useless around the house; I can't stand up long enough to load the dishwasher, much less prepare a meal! We're all trying to pitch in and make the best of it, but after weeks on end staring at a dirty house and being unable to reach, bend, scrub, or anything, it gets pretty depressing.

I also saw my Opthomologist today. I have to see him every 6 months because of my Sarcoidosis and Diabetes. Everything looked pretty good, except my dry eyes are getting worse. I promised to start using the artificial tears like I'm supposed to do. He said if it doesn't improve, they can put little plugs in my tear ducts to help my eyes retain moisture. Now thats something I've never heard of....I learn something new every day!

Oh and one more update from last week - the Dermotologist says the lump on my forhead is a "bony cyst", and is harmless, and basically I just have to live with it. Ok by me - at least it's painless. I think all these weird bumps on my head and shins are from the Sarcoidosis, personally, but heck I don't have the Medical Degree, I'm just a humble Mathematician. On the other hand, maybe Mom is right and I'm sprouting "Prednisone Horns". It might actually be good if Prednisone gave you horns because they might warn the people around you about how nasty and volitile you've become on the inside from that poison.
So let's see, that updates the Rheumitoid Arthritis, Degenerative Disc, and Eyes and strange growing bumps. I won't see my Pulmonologist again until next month to get an update on how my lungs are doing. At my last visit he told me my disease (Sarcoidosis) had progressed to Stage 3 (ugh). The latest statistic I've seen on Sarcoid is that 5% of people who have it die from it. It's a far cry from what they told me in the beginning - and it's appalling how uneducated the medical profession is on the insidious nature of Sarcoidosis when it is systemic.

On the caution side, I fear I may have another ear infection. I'll be calling Dr. Levin tomorrow to take a look at it. If I do have one, it puts next weeks chemotherapy (Remicade) at risk, and I don't want that!

Like Gilda Radner said, "It's always something"..... In my case it's always something, if its not a disc popping out, its horns growing from your forehead.... (If you watched Saturday Night Live in the 70's you'll get that).

Well thats about all I can stand, so I'm off to take some pain pills and try to get some sleep. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.