A Matter of the Heart

Sometimes every word, every action, seems to come out wrong, or at the wrong time, or in the wrong tone, or maybe it's just received differently by the you than it was intended by me. The slightest flinch, cut of the eyes, smile on the lips, is somehow all twisted and perverted into a jagged edge that rips and tears at the fabric of our relationship.

Sometimes you love a person more than life itself, but being with them is like hearing fingernails on a blackboard, screeching and scraping and ripping your nails into dry dusty shards, finally leaving a chalky, scratched, and bloodstained board behind.

I feel your anger and contempt for me in every glance, I hear it in every word. I know I am detestible to you right now. I just don't know how it got to be that way.

Maybe its the phase of the moon, the phase of our lives, I just don't know. Maybe you just can't take the 'me' that I have become anymore, or the twists and turns that our lives have taken. It would be understandable, so much has been taken from you; so much asked of you. All I can say is that life isn't fair, and things are what they are. And I can say I'm truely sorry. For what I know I've done wrong and for the things I don't even know hurt you. My heart is pure for you even if my mind is sometimes cloudy, mixing up last week with last month, forgetting things that are important to you.

I can recall the easy going, comfortable place we used to share. When it didn't matter if we talked or not - silence was just as good as chatter. The secrets we shared, the times we laughed and did silly things just for the fun of it. When you trusted me and I saw love in your eyes.

What is the fermenting, boiling 'stuff' that is just beneath the surface all the time now, waiting to spurt out and plop all over both of us at the slightest disturbance? I hope and pray you can find a way to release this cancerous mass before it consumes the beauty that is inside you.

My love is too deep, too real, too strong to let go. I will ride it out. No matter what. Everything wavers except the heart - nothing else is true, and only death itself can quench it. If you can find a way to see into my heart, you'll know. You'll believe again. All the rest is just 'stuff'.