When I Grow Up, I Want To Be....

DNC Hypocrisy - Someone has to say it

2008-08-28T00:38:00.008-05:00

With nearly constant media coverage on every news station, it's nearly impossible to avoid the lavish DNC festivities this week.... and it's nearly impossible to overlook the phoney, "we're fighting for the working folks" rhetoric.

With tear wrenching stories of single moms fighting cancer, families that cannot afford medical insurance or services, layoffs, and every ill imaginable thrust upon the "common man", it's amazing to me how millions of Americans just soak this up and blindly give allegiance to whomever is on the Democratic ticket. But then, I'm amazed that Bill and Hillary can even show their faces in public after disgracing the highest office in our nation, treating our brave volunteer military like trash, disregarding the laws of our land and the oath of office, etc. I guess I'm just behind the times.

Like sheep to the slaughter, millions of Americans blindly follow the DEM-hype... It's pure EMOTION. Where's the beef? Where is the experience to lead a fortune 500 company, much less to lead the greatest nation in the world?

If the DEMS are so serious about helping the common man, they could simplify the convention itself and provide many, many "working families" with more money than they can hope to earn in a life time. I would really like to know how much has been spent on this garish spectacle. Then, to top it off, Obama moves the entire convention, just because he wants to, to the 75,000 capacity Invesco stadium, just for the one last night. Now really, how many millions is that costing? Think about it... all the glitz and glamour, telecommunications, security, programming changes, logistical changes, the cost of the stadium itself, cancellation costs... I could go on and on. And why? Just because Obama wants to at the last minute...and anyone who has been in business knows that EVERYTHING costs more when it is done at the last minute. I wouldn't be surprised if Thursday night costs more than the entire convention Monday - Wednesday.

So I say the Dems should put their money where there mouth is. The hypocrisy of it all is astounding. Those "working families" are really out here.. and we're taking notes.

HMMMM..... Something's Brewing: Do you know what PUMA stands for?

2008-08-17T17:04:00.003-05:00

It's all about that big happy family, the Democratic National Party. All for one and one for all - only question is which one? Check it Out!

Hillary, Bill, Obama Serve Up the Kool-Aid

2008-08-14T23:28:00.006-05:00

Is it my imagination, or is it stating the obvious? I'll chalk it up to an over-active imagination, but to be safe, I'm not drinking Kool-Aid these days.

Does anyone really believe that Hillary took her eyes off the prize? All that is necessary is to LISTEN and WATCH what the dynamic Clinton duo have been up to, and REMEMBER their illustrious past. Hillary hitched her ambitions to the coat tails of her lying, cheating, husband who taught my 10 year old the meaning of oral sex on the 6:00 news, and she's not about to let go now. His behavior and her complicity have encouraged an entire generation of our children to reject all moral absolutes, and trade sexual favors like first graders trade Valentine cards. This fact alone reveals the lengths to which she will go and the depths to which she is willing to sink in her unquenchable pursuit of power. Having already sacrificed her integrity, her marriage, her dignity, her daughter, and the respect of those of us who dare to demand more from our leaders, why would she stop now?

Of course neither Hillary or Bill ever accepted the loss of the Democratic nomination to Obama, not for a millisecond. I suspect they have been busier than ever working the back channels, making midnight deals, pulling in every possible favor, and applying pressure using leverage from very big closets full of very big skeletons. The quintessential experts in party politics and surgical application of grease in exactly the right places, no doubt the two have hatched some interesting plans. Does anyone really believe that the addition of a roll call vote for Hillary is intended to UNITE their party? Really? Have a glass of Kool-Aid.

Given their "take no prisoners", vicious, greedy, and unconscionable track record in the pursuit of power, does anyone believe these two have changed? There are only two outcomes that will satisfy - #1 is for Hillary to get the Democratic nomination, or #2 for the party to become so fractured and to undermine Obama so thoroughly that any hope for an Obama victory in November is demolished. They have already succeeded in bullying their way into what might more properly be called the CLINTON convention rather than the DEMOCRATIC convention.

And then there is Obama. What a pitiful shell of a leader, the ultimate example of all sizzle and NO STEAK. I can't even find the words for how ridiculous the thought of this immature, shallow, inexperienced, spineless facade of a leader sitting in OUR White House is. I have honestly wondered whether we have a real live Manchurian Candidate. He's nothing but a pretty face with great skill reading a teleprompter and a habit of taking family vacations when the kitchen gets too hot (anyone else notice his frequent and conveniently timed vacations this year alone?). If he becomes our next president, it will be time to seriously consider leaving the country and allowing the people who vote for him to enjoy the results of their choice....and their free government issued Kool-Aid.

The fact that either Obama or Hillary are serious contenders for the highest office in our country speaks volumes. As I pondered their suitability to serve as the leaders of the greatest nation in the world, it occured to me that my 20 year old daughter has more brains, integrity, and leadership skills than either one of these contenders. I choose to believe that half of our population is too tired, stressed out, or overworked to THINK and PAY ATTENTION to the facts that are in plain sight of us all. After all, it's much easier to relax and have a glass of Kool-Aid. To believe otherwise would imply that half of our population lacks any sort of moral compass, and either the interest in or capability to understand facts that are readily available, and that's too scary for me.

A Memorable Country Song

2008-01-31T02:09:00.001-05:00

Have a laugh on me!

Perspective

2007-11-22T06:35:00.000-05:00

Losing Your Health Doesn't Mean That

You've Lost Everything ...

by Marc Gellman

‘Best of the Worst’

Reprinted with permission

Sept. 28, 2006 - This week's popular but untrue saying is, “If you have your health, you have everything.” Because if this saying is true, then it also true that if you lose your health, you have nothing. This is not only false, it is spiritually corrosive. Placing upon people the double burden of both their illness and the despairing conclusion that their illness has taken away from them everything important is much more than false. It is deeply cruel.

I know that the saying intends to be positive. It intends to say something like, “We should never want more than just our health because nothing we have is more important.” Of course I agree that we should strive to live healthful lives and avoid the trans-fatty parts of the universe, but health is a fleeting thing, affected by environmental and genetic and even purely random factors. The fixation on health as the only important thing is what is behind this saying, and what is behind the unnecessary and often debilitating despair of sick people.In my life so far, the two people I knew who best refuted the if-you-have-your-health-you-have-everything saying were Henry Viscardi and Pam Rothman, may their memories be blessed.

Born with severely short, twisted legs, rejected by his parents and forced to grow up in a sanatorium, Henry Viscardi was the Martin Luther King Jr. of the disabled. He was a driving force behind the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act and the founder of the Henry Viscardi School for the disabled in Albertson, N.Y. One day when my friend Msgr. Tom Hartman and I were visiting Henry, he said to us, “I never think of the people in this center as disabled. I think of you guys as just temporarily abled.” Henry taught us that day that we are all part of the same continuum of gradually decreasing ableness that moves from the time we are children flying across lawns to the time when we wake up, get out of bed and say, “Oy, that hurts!” Nobody is disabled. We are all just temporarily abled until that day when we are no longer quite so abled.

When Moses broke the tablets bearing the Ten Commandments because of his anger at the people for worshiping the golden calf, God gave him a new unbroken copy, but God also commanded Moses to place all the broken pieces of the first tablets together in the same golden ark of the covenant that held the new unbroken tablets. The broken and the whole were together in the same ark. As it was so it is with us now. Those of us who happen to be disabled and those of us who happen to be temporarily abled are together in the covenant of God's love and must be together in the bonds of love and support we extend to each other. The broken and the whole are together in the same ark.

In the Jewish laws concerning the treatment of dying people, the rabbis taught this same lesson. In Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah, the first line we read is, “A dying person is like a living person in all essential respects.” We are commanded to view dying people the way we would view any other temporarily abled people. They are living and we are living. In that essential respect we are the same. When we coddle them, infantilize them, hide the truth from them or treat them as if they were already dead, we have separated them from the community of people made in the image of God. My father, Sol Gellman, has Alzheimer's disease. My father does not know my name, but when I hugged him and kissed him goodbye on my last visit, he grabbed me and said to me, “I know that I belong to you, and I know that you belong to me.” Even now, in the midst of his deepening fog, my father still knows everything that is important to know.Pam Rothman died of cancer after a long struggle, and although she eventually lost her life, she never lost her smile. One day sitting in her hospital room, Pam said to me, “Rabbi, I can't be the best of the best any longer, but I can still be the best of the worst.” And she was the best of the worst, the very best of the very worst. She helped other cancer patients cling to hope, she held her family together by her embracing love and she read and wrote to the end. In the end Pam was taken, but she was never defeated.

Like Pam, many people find that their greatest artistic, spiritual and personal achievements come after they are sick. The greatest theoretical physicist in the world is Stephen Hawking. He has the motor neuron disease ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease), and he cannot move from his wheelchair. He speaks through a speech synthesizer. He has the best mind trapped in the worst body and this fact has not dimmed but brightened his brilliant light. Christopher Reeve was a good actor and a great Superman but he became a great inspirational force only after his injury. The greatest modern Jewish theologian was Franz Rosenzweig, and though he died in 1929, also from the predations of ALS, his illness did not diminish his brilliant translation of the Bible into German with his friend Martin Buber nor his philosophical masterwork, “The Star of Redemption,” which he wrote by holding a pencil in his mouth and pointing to the keys on the typewriter.Henry and Pam, Stephen and Chris, Franz and Helen Keller, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Soren Kierkegaard, FDR, Beethoven and a thousand brave and wise and creative people whose bodies were broken or who suffered disabilities or ill health have given everything to the world—while millions of people who have their health have given nothing. And how else can we understand God's decision to pick Moses, a disabled man with a cleft palate to be the leader of the Exodus from Egypt? God picks the soul, not the body. Through an endless list of wounded genius we are taught and must finally learn that losing your health does not mean that you have lost your genius or your destiny.Much of my counseling is devoted to helping people cope with newly broken lives. Perhaps their life has been broken by injury or illness or perhaps by the death or illness of someone they loved more than life itself. In all these cases the people who come to see me know that they have lost a substantial part of their physical or mental health, and because they secretly believe this damn saying, they think they have lost everything. My job is to convince them that the saying is wrong. I must try to urge them, cajole them, teach them and remind them that even in their weakened state they still have everything they need to lead a spiritually, morally and even physically happy life. They may not have what they had but they have what they have, and as long as they are still alive, what they have is enough. They may not be able to do what they once did. They may have to adjust the expectations of their life, but they do not have to surrender their life or their hope or their resolve to be the best they can be with what they have left. This is not a counsel of despair and resignation. It is a counsel of hope and faith.

The reason health is not everything is your health is about you, and EVERYTHING REALLY IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT OTHERS:

serving others, loving others and teaching others reveals our true purpose and ultimate destiny. The rabbis wrote, “Give me community or give me death.” Losing your health is a terrible thing but losing a community of love and purpose is fatal. Our only chance to find everything is to get out of ourselves.So I wish you a year of health, and I wish you a year of knowing that having your health is not even close to having everything .

Now to Him who is able to keep you from falling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. Jude 1:24-25

Back Home

2007-11-07T17:20:00.000-05:00

When I looked at my blog today and saw the last post was on September 26, I became aware of how these last weeks have slipped so quickly by - life can be like that sometimes. I have been very ill (yes even more "ill" than normal!). I've survived 2 bouts of Septic Shock, each one requiring a tour of duty in ICU. The source, I'm told is Urinary Sepsis, but honestly I don't know how the doctors can be certain that the infection started there. The infection got into my bloodstream and spread to all of my organs. That's what they call 'septic shock'. There is a blood test for Lactic Acid that the doctors check if you are in sepsis. Normal is below 1, and mine was 3.6 at the highest. The doctor said that I have a strain of e Coli. I've heard that Apples and undercooked beef are prime sources for e Coli, and I've been eating a lot of apples lately, so I wonder if that is where it came from. Personally, I think I ingested an amount that a healthy person would be able to tolerate, but which I, in my immune suppressed state could not. I hope and pray that it is under control now and am so happy to be home with my family. I still feel very weak, dizzy, and I have pain, but it's getting a little better day by day.

During my first hospital stay, I was feeling much better on my last day and started watching the Home Shopping Network (DANGER!). Since I have my Visa card number (MORE DANGER!), I hopped onto the phone and started buying "things" I just "couldn't do without". It's a dangerous thing for me to be feeling better, but still under the influence of Dialudid, and all alone in a hospital room. Most of the things I bought are very nice and useful. One of my more questionable purchases was a 2 1/2 foot tall fountain featuring a fairy with butterfly wings and lots of tiffany style glass work and a tiffany lamp that shines down on it all. I love fountains, and also I had this idea that my kitty would find it and drink from the fresh, flowing water. However, when I tried to introduce her to her little oasis, she went ballistic and clawed her way up and over me as fast as she could go. Acting out the very definition of insanity, I actually tried this a second time, with exactly the same results. I think it was the sound of running water that scared her - she thought she was about to get a bath. Hmmmm..... it's like my daughter said, "I don't really think it's something we NEEDED", when I asked her what she thought of it. She was trying so hard to be polite and not burst my bubble. Oh well, it's here now and not going back - it'll be a good conversation piece, as it sits in our dining room faithfully pouring forth it's water over the years. It's definitely unique, and our guests aren't likely to have seen one anywhere else....

In between the two bouts with sepsis, I have vague recollections of receiving a lot of packages in the mail (from my shopping spree), talking to Bucky and Ruth one day, trying out my new steam mop (yes, another HSN purchase), working on paperwork for my Disability Insurer, a few doctor visits, Amanda getting sick, and me just generally feeling cruddy and trying to make it through the days one at a time. Then came the second round of Sepsis and the whirlwind of all of that. It feels like you get sucked into some ailment, then into the hospital, and everything is a blur and then you are plopped out on the sidewalk and sent home. There is so much I miss or forget, so many loose ends. I know it's frustrating for my family to have to tell me the same things over and over, and I pray for their patience and understanding - I really am trying to do my best, it's just soooo hard.

I was shocked to realize that Summer had completely given way to Autumn during my illness. There is so much I missed, not the least of which is helping my son with his schoolwork and spending time with my daughter. We had planned to spend the whole day Friday Nov 2 together, but I ended up in the hospital. I also blitzed right through my husbands BIG 60th birthday, although I was relieved that I had been able to obtain a special gift for him months before.

Another thing I lost track of is the mountain of documents that have to be provided to my Disability Insurer by Monday, Nov. 12. Michael requested all of the documents for the past year and they were all stacked up here waiting for me to do something with them. Mom took them to Kinko's today to get them all copied. It will cost around $60 for the copies, plus we've already spent almost $300 on the documents themselves. Then I'll have to overnight them to Liberty Mutual since we're almost upon the deadline now. I'm sure that won't be cheap since the documents weigh over 7 pounds (and this is only partial records for the last 12 months!). Anyway, it's almost done now and I won't have it hanging over my head (until the next go-round!). It does make my head hurt sometimes, just trying to stay afloat in the mounds of paperwork, Medicare "stuff", medical bills, pharmacy bills, etc. I just have to take it a day at a time and do what I'm able to do for each day.

I miss swimming too. I haven't been in nearly 2 months, and it's the only physical outlet my joints will tolerate. I'm hoping to get back over the weekend or early next week. When I make it to the pool I'll know for sure that I'm on the up side of this ordeal. I can't wait!

I have no travel plans for the fall, but most of my family will travel to the "home place" in Louisiana for Thanksgiving. This includes my 20 year old daughter and her boyfriend. It's his first trip over, and a traditional rite of passage for anyone that is seriously dating a member of the family. It's quite a change from life around metro Atlanta, and there have been some that just couldn't deal with the shock of it all. I don't believe this is the case with her boyfriend; they have a very stable relationship and he seems to simply adore her. No matter what a shock the backwoods of Louisiana are to him, I think he'll do whatever it takes to adjust. I really wish I could be there. I know it will be a memorable trip, full of fun and lots of stories to share afterwards. I wish could join them, but simply must sit out this time around. I have been blessed to visit twice this year, and that will likely be the best I can do.

It's great to be home and back among "the living".

A Prayer for Today

2007-09-26T07:21:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

Thank you for another day of life. Thank you for allowing me to wake up in my home with my family all around me. Thank you for your Word and for your faithful servants that come to my home every week to study your Word with me.

I trust in you for all things and all situations. When I look at my "to do" list with my human eyes, I am overwhelmed. When I close my eyes and pray for your guidance - for you to show me the next right thing to do - just ONE thing at a time, I feel peace. Thank you for this wonderful gift. When the whole world seems like it is closing in around me, I turn to you. I visualize myself resting in your arms and sincerely pray for your guidance and protection. You never fail me. You are truly an awesome God. Thank you for your care. Thank you for helping me keep it simple, taking life one very small step at a time.

Father, please forgive me for my many sins. I know that if I stop and ask and listen to you, you will be faithful and always guide me in the right direction. Please forgive me for not asking you and for taking my own way, and for the many sins and hurts that result.

Father, I pray special blessings today for those that are near and dear to my heart. I pray that you would surround them with your angels of protection and that you would send your Holy Spirit to speak to their hearts, gently guiding them in the right direction in every step they take. I thank you for the ministering of the Holy Spirit to my heart; I am so grateful to have "ears to hear" when you speak to my heart.

Thank you for another day of life. Please help me to use every minute of it for your glory.

In Jesus Christ's holy name I pray, Amen.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

2007-09-14T04:05:00.000-05:00

OLD VERSION

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

****************************************************************************

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the
grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair
share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel
of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of
single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens
to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't
maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote!

Blessed

2007-08-20T03:31:00.000-05:00

I am truly blessed. God showers me with blessings every day and I am surrounded by his love demonstrated daily by my family and Christian friends, and even by strangers I meet along the way.

Two weeks ago, Amanda and I went to the mall. These days, I get to the mall perhaps 3 times a year because I can't walk long enough to go on a "normal" shopping trip. In order to go mall, I check out a complimentary wheelchair at Customer Service, and my companion pushes me around. This is one of those things that used to embarrass me so much that I just didn't go to the mall at all. I've learned not to be embarrassed about it. I'm grateful for the availability of the chairs, and everyone that has taken me has been very gracious about pushing me around and seems to genuinely enjoy helping me. No one has ever complained, though I know the chair gets hard to push when we go into carpeted stores.

Well, back to my story. Amanda got a job as a hostess at Smokejack, a local "upscale" BBQ restaurant. They told her to dress "nicely", and that no jeans were allowed for hostesses. While the other staff often dress much more casually, the host/hostess is expected to dress a little better, as they are in most restaurants. You'd have to know Amanda to know that her closet was simply not "hostess ready". She needed a few items to mix and match so that she could dress properly for her new job.

So we went to the mall together, Amanda pushing me in the wheelchair while we shopped. We went to Ann Taylor first, and lucked out right away, finding a perfect skirt and awesome top style that she liked so much, she got two of them (in different colors). We then went all over the mall, but didn't find anythng else.

At the very end of our shopping trip, we neared the exit where the Sharper Image store is located. I asked to go into Sharper Image, because I really like their "gadgets". We went in and Amanda patiently maneuvered me around the store, taking me to each niche and corner that caught my eye. Right in the middle of the store, there were these very luxurious all-leather massage chairs. The chairs somewhat resemble recliners, but are not fashionable enough to put in a living room or den - you can tell by looking at them that they are designed first for function, and second for looks.

I sat in a black leather massage chair that had full head to toe coverage. The massage in that chair was - well unbelievable. I've been to MANY spas and paid for MANY massages, and the quality of the massage in this chair equaled any massage I've ever received. It was truly wonderful, and I thought that it would be great especially when I'm having "bad days" with my joints and muscles.

Somehow I knew right then and there that I was going to get this chair. How? I didn't know. The price was $4,000.00 - yes you read it right and I didn't mis-type - it was $4,000.00! The price was really irrelevant, however, because I had an assurance so strongly in my heart - the Holy Spirit was telling me the chair would be mine. It was as if the Father was saying "I know what you need, and I will provide it." Days went by and I shared my "chair" experience with friends and family, each time stating confidently that I knew the chair would be provided for me. I didn't know how, but I knew it would be.

Then came last Saturday (Aug 18). Amazingly, the chair was marked down to 1/2 price because a new model was coming in. On that very same day, the chair was purchased FOR ME. I was given the reciept, and the store is calling me today (Aug 20) to arrange a delivery time. I am blessed; truely blessed. God knows my every need, wish, and desire, and he provides without fail.

There aren't too many people that would go out and buy a $2,00.00 chair to give to another person who is not even a relative, and I am 100% certain that the person(s) that bought it for me was simply being obedient to the Holy Spirit - this person was obedient to God and spent their hard-earned money on what can only be described as an exquisite gift JUST FOR ME. I feel so blessed and grateful. I know the chair will help me so much when I'm in pain, and may even help me to take less pain medication! It will also help Michael with his constant struggle with back pain.

God is good, all the time.

P.S. I think my bedroom will become very popular soon! Please stop by and enjoy a massage in my new chair, and I'll throw in a Spa foot treatment - Guaranteed to please!

A Tale of Kitties

2007-08-12T19:58:00.000-05:00

We've had a sad run of luck with our kitty cats lately. It's so strange, because Amanda had Domino until she passed quietly in her sleep at the healthy age of 16 1/2 (very old for a cat - average lifespan for an outdoor cat is 8 years, for an indoor cat is 12-15 years). We rescued Domino from a family that was moving into dorms that didn't allow pets. If we hadn't taken her in, she was going to the pound the next day. Instead, she came and lived with us for 13 1/2 years and was well loved and cared for. She started out as an outdoor cat, but as she aged she gradually became an indoor cat for her own safety and well being. My sister in law, Michelle, was calling everyone she knew to find a home for Domino, and it was perfect timing for us. We had recently moved from an apartment (not cat friendly) to a house with a huge yard, and Amanda really wanted a cat.

Then came the string of bad luck. First there was Felix. We came home from a trip and a carpenter who had been working in our house introduced us to a new family member that had taken up residence. This kitty was a boy, and only a few months old - but old enough to survive without his mother. Somehow we became aware that the kitty in fact had a home, and that he had a litter of brothers and sisters, and that his name was Joey. So we contacted "Miss Angel" who lives in the next neighborhood over and reluctantly returned Joey to her. We had already fallen in love with him - he had such a great personality and exuded health.

"Miss Angel" was so happy to have him back that she gave Will a reward of $10 - BIG BUCKS for a 7 year old. She also let us have the pick of the rest of the litter. Joey's brother, Felix, was the obvious choice. Full of health and personality, we warmed up to each other right away. So Felix came to live with us. Felix was a beautiful dark gray tabby that had a loud purr and seemed to say "Roy" frequently. He was very opinionated, confident, and totally independent.

Felix quickly grew to his full size - which was considerable. He was a true TOM CAT. Big, strong, independent, and prone to wandering the neighborhood in search for conquests (both female felines and small birds, chipmunks, etc.). Hoping to tame him a bit and keep him from wandering into harm, we had him neutered. Neutering had absolutely zero effect on Felix. He continued to wander, and his trips lasted longer and longer until one day he didn't return.

We put up signs all around, drove around looking, and even visited "Miss Angel". Strangely enough, Joey and Felix left for good the same week. Afterwards, there were a few possible sightings at a distance, but nothing to be sure of. I choose to believe the two brothers are off living a great Tom Cat life with lots of conquests and lively memories in the making.

When we finally gave up on the return of Felix, we took a trip to the Atlanta Humane Society. Will picked out a sad little Grey tabby named 'Rufus'. Something was wrong with one of his eyes; it was milky and he couldn't see properly out of it, but Will fell in love with him, so we brought Rufus home. We took him to the vet for the obligatory neutering required by the pound, all the necessary shots, etc. and began our life together.

One day something frightened Rufus and he climbed the TALLEST tree in our yard, which was bare due to Winter, and then couldn't get himself down. We got the longest ladders we could find and tried coaxing him with the smelliest fish we could find. Nothing worked. Up in the top of that cold, barren tree he stayed, night and day for 3 full days- BRRRR!! One day when Nana was over we were looking up and calling to him and he decided to relieve himself at that precise moment. A vigorous stream was emitted for what seemed like several minutes, and we were grateful that we weren't atop the ladder in the cold, shivering with a bowl of stinky fish in one hand and hanging onto the freezing ladder with the other (Amanda says things like that always happen when Nana is around). On the forth day we gave up and started calling professionals. There aren't that many "professional cat removers" in the yellow pages, but we found a professional tree climber who charged us $400.00 to scale the tree and retrieve Rufus. After that, I never saw him climb another tree.

Rufus came to an early, abrupt, and sad end, however. He was an "in and out" cat, so it wasn't unusual for him to sleep outdoors when the weather was warm. One time he stayed gone for 3 days. I knew something was wrong; he never stayed gone that long. Will went out in the back yard to feed the dogs and came back in yelling "Mom! It's Rufus", and he was crying. I rushed out back and found Rufus's poor lifeless body being tossed around by the dogs like a rag doll. We never determined exactly what happened; whether he met an unfortunate end prior to being found by the dogs or whether the dogs had, in fact contributed to his demise. I lifted his lifeless body and put it outside the fence in preparation for burial so the dogs could no longer play with it. When Michael came home, he buried Rufus at the base of the big tree that he had inhabited just a few months prior.

Will was heartbroken, but went on the lookout right away for a new cat. He found a "free kitten" ad for a Calico and called the man that had listed it (All this at age 8 without me even knowing about it!) Apparently, a young calico passed by this man's yard every evening and he had been feeding her dinner. This had gone on for several weeks, and the man was going to take her to the pound the next day if no home could be found. I told him we would take her in (I am partial to Calicos), and the man agreed to restrain her when she came by for her dinner that night. So after a full day of work, Michael (the dog lover) drove over an hour each way across town in the cold and pouring rain to pick up this little wandering calico. When he got her home, we realized she was really a Tortie, not a Calico. She was very dark and mysterious looking with piercing green eyes. She had obviously lived "in the wild" of suburban Atlanta and was very skittish. For weeks, you would enter our home and never know we had a second cat - she stayed hidden away and only rarely would we catch a glimpse of her - a quick dark blur running from one hiding place to another. For his own reasons, Will named her 'Muffin'.

Gradually, by spending A LOT of time with her, Muffin came out of her shell. As she did, we began to realize that we had gotten more than we bargained for when we adopted her. Muffin was PREGNANT and getting more pudgy by the day. We had no idea how far along she was, but as we sat at the year end program at Mill Springs Academy, Amanda leaned over and said - "Muffin's having her babies in my closet". Now how did she know that? When we got back home, we all went up to Amanda's room and BINGO - there was Muffin in the corner of Amanda's closet, partway through giving birth to a litter of 7 kittens.

Muffin's litter - May 2005

All of this when we still had carpet on the floors! What a mess! (We have since replaced the carpet with hard floors). When she was between kittens, I gently moved her and her litter into a large plastic bin that we had been preparing to be a kitty incubator. Will and I rolled the bin into my room and stayed up past midnight (on a school night!) until all of Muffin's babies were born. I kept feeling her abdomen to see if more kitties were on the way, and we were both exhausted when I finally pronounced "No More!".

As nature goes, some of Muffins' babies survived and some didn't. From the outset, Will begged to keep "just one", PLEASE. When the kittens were old enough to separate from mom, we began finding homes for them. By that time, Will was particularly attached to a male orange medium long haired tabby, and had already named him Garfield. What's a mom to do? I let him keep Garfield. So we were a 3-cat family: Domino, Muffin, and Garfield. Domino remained, and always was, Amanda's cat. Muffin was "sort of" my cat, and Garfield was Will's cat. Surprisingly, they all cohabitated without incident. Basically, Muffin and Garfield hung out together and Domino ignored them both.

Domino had been an "in and out" cat when she was younger, and we had never had a problem, so we allowed Muffin and Garfield to be "in and out" cats too. Then came the night that Muffin didn't come in. I knew in my heart something bad had happened because she ALWAYS came in and slept in the room with me. Anytime I awoke in the night I would look around and she would be sitting there watching over me. As hours turned to days, dread built in my heart until Michael came in from the back yard with grim news. Another tragedy - it began to look like the dogs were the culprits. But why in the world would a cat go back there? And cats usually win when sparring with a dog because they can climb trees and are so dexterous with their claws. I collapsed on the stairs and broke into sobs. Big, hard, inconsolable sobs. My sweet little Muffin, rescued from the streets and turned into a friend with tons of time and patience - was gone.

Michael buried her under the "Cat Tree" alongside Rufus. We never told Will - I couldn't bring myself to do it. He thinks she has wandered to a new home, and I guess in a way she has.

This left us with Domino and Garfield. With his mother gone, Garfield seemed lost and needy. I couldn't help bonding with him. We gradually developed a routine and seemed to have a unique way of communicating with each other. Meanwhile, Domino was getting on in age and more feeble every day. We tried to keep her comfortable and excused her occasional mishaps - she had been a good and loyal friend for so many years and you don't just walk away from a friend because they are old and feeble and can't make it to the bathroom in time. Finally, in the Summer of 2006, Domino passed away quietly on my bed while I held her. She didn't seem to suffer at all. She took her place next to Muffin and Rufus under the "Cat Tree".

Our Beloved Domino - 12/1990 - 7/2006

That left us a one cat family - Garfield got all of our love and attention and warmed even my dog-loving husband's heart with his unusually tender and "non-cat" ways. Unfortunately, Garfield LOVED to go outside, and would leap at any open door or window to get there. Once outside, he would run around in the front yard, but wouldn't come in or allow himself to be caught until he was completely exhausted and hungry. It always upset me when he got out, because of the fate suffered by Rufus and Muffin. A couple of months ago, he escaped through the front door and has never come back home. He played in our front yard for a couple of days, then just disappeared. I grieved, I cried, and I am still heartbroken. We put up pictures, fliers, and went all over our area of town calling for him and looking for him, smelly Vienna sausages in hand. A couple of people called us and believed they had seen him, but by the time we got there he was gone. That makes me hopeful that he has been taken in by some one and hasn't met with any harm. I choose to believe that. Garfield was the most loyal, gentle, loving cat I've ever had the privilege of knowing.

Now we have been a family with NO CATS for the last 6-8 weeks. That all changed today. We took a trip back to the pound with the intention of selecting a Female Kitten. Female so there would be no spraying and perhaps less tendency to wander. Kitten so we could bring her up "our way". We got there and the most striking long haired Calico/Tortie looked up at me with big golden eyes and I was hooked. Her name is Hazel, though we plan to change it once we live with her a bit and figure out her personality. We took Hazel into a private "petting room" where Will, Michael, and I were able to spend some time with her. She settled down quickly and started nuzzling against us. She clearly had been loved and not abused. The owner had surrendered her to the pound due to allergies. Although she's not a kitten (she's 4 years old), we still bonded and were happy to bring her home. After the requisite paperwork, payment, interview, collaring, and crating, we headed out. Just before reaching the front door of the Atlanta Humane Society, the crate door fell off and Hazel lept towards the open front door. I made a lunge for her and landed flat on my face but with enough of her in my stretched out hands to restrain her from flight. What a sight that must have been, me and the cat all over the floor with my oxygen tank gone flying. Will got Hazel and Michael helped me to my feet.

That was when we decided to purchase a $5.00 cardboard cat crate, put Hazel in it, and try our exit again. This time we made it to the van, and subsequently back home without incident. Hazel is mostly hiding, with an occasional dart from one place to another. She has been introduced to her facilities, and has returned to them several times, so it seems things are progressing well. I'm not thrilled at her escape attempt at the pound; I fear it's an indicator that she'll try to get outside. I can only hope and pray that she won't. She is already spayed, shots up to date, and she has a microchip locater already implanted.

As a condition of adoption, Will promised to participate in weekly baths, which may not be Hazel's cup of tea (another reason we had planned to get a kitten). That's the best way to keep fleas and loose hair away. Hopefully she'll adjust to the baths with time.

Although I never had a cat as a child, I've always been a cat person at heart. One of the first things I did when I left home was to adopt a cat - my very first one after all those years of waiting! I admit I'm a hopeless cat lover; I'll always have one in my house.

Now I think I'll go take some pain meds (the fall did a number on my joints) and try to find Hazel and enjoy some quality mommy/kitty time.

The Experts Say....

2007-07-25T23:40:00.000-05:00

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom." - Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers " -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper," -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take t he leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make," -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies (Debbie's Deelites)

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out," -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," -- Lord Kelvin, president, Britain's Royal Society, 1895.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented," -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -- Professor of Electrica l Engi neering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." -- Watson of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

And last but not least.

"We'll take no prisoners!"

George Armstrong Custer - On the Little Big Horn---1876.

Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL.com.

Living High on the Hog

2007-07-23T03:34:00.000-05:00

It's the dead center of another hot Summer in the deep South. In my younger days, I anticipated Summer eagerly and thrived on days at the pool or the occasional treat - a trip to the beach. Church retreats and camps were also highlights, and of course, NO SCHOOL was pretty cool. Summer was my favorite time of year. Now it's different - Summer presents it's own challenges that I never had to back in those days. Like they say - 'Growing older isn't for sissies'. Some one said that, and it gets repeated, but I don't know who to credit it to.

So, how is it that I'm living "High on the Hog" in this uncomfortable weather? One simple answer - my Father's garden.

My dad has had the most beautiful and productive vegetable garden every Summer for my whole life. We moved around a bit when I was a child, and when we were in house-searching mode, there was one requirement that was never negotiable - the yard had to be suitable to sustain a garden. Whether renting or buying, living in "small town" South, or in "big city" suburbs, garden space was a must.

He works it day after day, putting sweat equity into every seed, plant, bloom, and ripened vegetable. Mom has always been there too, helping weed, pick, shuck, shell, or can - whatever is called for, she rises to the task to ensure Dad's scrumptious bounty is properly attended to.

I admit I have been spoiled. I won't even serve tomatoes that aren't "real". My definition of "real" is that the tomato came from my Dad's garden. We are enjoying the bounty every day. There is just no comparison between the "things" they call tomatoes at the grocery store and my Dad's REAL tomatoes.

Then there is the fresh yellow squash, butter beans, broccoli, string beans, corn, sweet peppers, okra, crowder peas, potatoes, and at other times of the year - turnip greens. I could eat my weight (which is pretty considerable right now) in these gems from Dad's garden. Every time I see my parents, they have a bag or two of fresh vegetables from the garden to give me. We savor every bite.

For me, I think there is as much psychology involved as there is pure joy in the consumption of Dad's Summer treats. Every time I prepare and serve his harvest, I am reliving the feelings of my childhood when my Mom served up Dad's veggies at mealtime. Preparing, serving, and eating them gives me that warm, secure feeling from childhood that comes from knowing your parents love, care, and watch over you - AND feed you home grown goodness day after day.

So for me, indulging day after day in Dad's home grown goodness is truly living HIGH ON THE HOG, and is a genuine joy of life that can't be matched.

No Hogs were harmed in the production of this blog.

Deja Vu

2007-06-05T04:28:00.000-05:00

Last Spring was a tale of Emergency Room sagas; I think everyone in our family except for Michael went at least once, some of us twice. I'm sure we made some one's Jaguar payment - maybe even two. This year I carried on the tradition all by myself.

I had this strange pain in my right leg for a couple of months, so finally went to N.Fulton and had it checked out (I was fearful of a blood clot). After an EXTREMELY painful exam, they concluded there was no clot and sent me home.

Less than 1 week later, on the day of Will's confirmation, I awoke with a strange chest pain that went all the way around my chest, like a large rubber band being pulled tighter and tighter. I was also nauseous, so reluctantly I stayed home and missed his confirmation. When Michael got back home, he took me to the ER at Crawford, and they said I had a "mild" heart attack, because some enzymes were elevated. (Later, the Cardiologist decided it wasn't really a heart attack). During the exam, I mentioned my right leg pain. They checked and found not one, but TWO blood clots. They put me on Lovanox shots 2x a day and Coumidin. The Lovanox was truely a pain. My insurance company took forever to approve it, and it left ghastly bruises all over my arms, legs, and tummy. The Coumidin is no big deal, except I have to go every week to get my blood checked. Then they adjust the Coumidin dosage according to how my blood test comes out. Dr. says I'll be on Coumidin for approx. 6 months.

Now, it's nearly time for our long awaited trip to Louisiana, and my heart Dr. hasn't released me to go. I went to the clinic yesterday and had my blood taken for the Coumidin test, and the nurse is supposed to call me today with the results and with the Dr.'s green light (I'm hoping!) to go on the trip.

During all of this, I was tagged with new labels, "Pulmonary Hypertension" and "Congestive Heart Failure". The second one is kind of weird, because it sounds so scary, and (to me) it seems that if you have "Heart Failure", you would be dead. Well, I'm not dead, but I am told I have "Heart Failure". Hmmm. I suggested to the nurse that they should call it something less ominous.

Anyway, this Spring I was in the ER or Inpatient 4 x so I guess we've made our Jaguar payment for the year. Maybe we're done for awhile - I can always hope. Wonder if we'll ever get the car that goes along with all these payments?

Never Forget

2007-05-11T22:42:00.000-05:00

Last week, the United Kingdom removed The Holocaust from its school curriculum because it "offended" some members of the Muslem population who claim it never occurred.

This is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world and how easily each country is giving into it.

It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended.

This post is my small contribution to the memory of the six million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated with the world looking the other way!

Now, more than ever, with Iran , among others, claiming the Holocaust to be "a myth," it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets.

Virtual Pity Parties

2007-04-24T10:46:00.000-05:00

My last post ended up in one great big pity party - thrown just for me and by me. I've given myself permission to have virtual pity parties on my blog. I don't write here for the approval of anyone, it's just MY place. If some one reading my blog doesn't like it, they are free to NOT read my blog. I've found that virtual pity parties are so much better than real live ones because there is no "collateral damage". The people I love and that I am close to don't get hit with my outbursts, as well they shouldn't. I get to vent and whine and get it all out of my system and it helps me move on. I wish all my pity parties were virtual - that's a good goal, I think I'll aspire to it.

The Brown-Eyed Girl

2007-03-23T16:06:00.000-05:00

Mama, "Why is she BROKEN?", the girl asked, tugging on her mama's sleeve. Both of her georgous big brown eyes were intently staring at me, one arm firmly attached to mom, and the other elbow deep down the back of her pants as she scratched at some hidden irritant.

Mama was busy - too busy to answer her, too busy to even slow the frantic pace at which she pressed the clerk to continue calling all the stores for a specific garment in a specific size, just right for her. The Brown Eyed Girl scratched and stared, repeating her query to Mama at ever smaller intervals, in an ever louder voice. Mama, in her stylish clothes, fit body, and what could only be described as "shopping ferver", never missed a beat. Her efforts to find her "Perfect Blouse" were equal in intensity to her daughter's efforts to find out why the strange looking lady was "broken".

Could I feel the heat from his embarrased, red face from behind me, or was that just my imagination? I sat there in the borrowed mall wheelchair, breathing through an oxygen canula, my lap piled high with new clothes for Will, pretending not to notice that I was being stared at like some freak at a side show.

Will, who had waited patiently for weeks for me to have a "good day" so we could go to the mall. Will, who at the age of 12 has to push his mom around in a wheelchair if he wants to go to the mall. He had been so tireless, so respectful and kind during the whole shopping trip. Maybe his embarrasement was just my imagination, maybe he wasn't even paying any attention to the Brown Eyed Girl. But on the other hand, maybe he was.

After what seemed like forever, I leaned around and suggested to Will that we go to a different checkout counter. He didn't say a word, just started pushing me and we went on our way. His silence confirmed my fear, for you see, Will is never "silent". We escaped the gawking stare of the scratching, tugging, questioning Brown Eyed Girl.

But the words echo still, "Mama why is she BROKEN?"

Mama
Why
Is
She
BROKEN?

*B*R*O*K*E*N*

Mama

Why

Am

I

Broken?

GOD WHY AM I BROKEN?

WHY CAN'T I GET WELL OR DIE AND END THE PAIN? WHY THE BROKENESS? WHY THE MIDDLE GROUND? THE SUB-EXISTENCE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH IS NO EXISTANCE AT ALL; DYING MORE EVERY DAY, BIT BY BIT, ONE NEW DIAGNOSIS AFTER ANOTHER IN A CASCADE OF PROCEDURES, CODES, DRUGS, DOCTORS, AND HOSPITALS. TRYING TO MAINTAIN SOME TYPE OF DIGNITY AND POSITIVE OUTLOOK THROUGH IT ALL - FOR THE SAKE OF MY CHILDREN. I ADMIT THAT SOMEHOW, IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, I ALWAYS THOUGHT SLOW WASTING AWAY WAS A TORTURE UNIQUELY RESERVED FOR THE "WICKED". THAT MY LOVING GOD WOULD BLESS HIS BELIVERS WITH QUICK AND PAINLESS TRANSITIONS OUT OF THIS WORLD. I KNOW THAT WAS JUST A FANTASY, A WISH THAT I THOUGHT WOULD COME TRUE IF I HELD ONTO IT LONG ENOUGH. NOW IT HAS COME TO THIS. A WRETCHED, CRUEL EXISTANCE THAT REVOLVES AROUND PILL SCHEDULES, INJECTION SCHEDULES, TOO MUCH SLEEPING, AND A CONSTANT TETHER TO AN OXYGEN MACHINE. IS THIS MY REWARD FOR LOVING YOU? FOR WORSHIPING YOU? FOR TEACHING MY CHILDREN TO LOVE YOU? FOR BEING FAITHFUL? MAYBE IT'S TRUE THAT YOU AREN'T EVEN AWARE OF ME - ME PERSONALLY. IT'S EASIER TO BELIEVE THAT THAN TO BELIEVE YOU ARE ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN. I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY, THAT YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON, THAT YOU SEE MY BODY WASTING AWAY AND THE PAIN IT IS CAUSING EVERYONE. I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD LET THAT HAPPEN. NOT TO ME, AND NOT TO AUNT MARY, AND NOT TO OLAN, NOT TO DICK. I HAVE TRIED FOR SO LONG TO HOLD ON, TO BELIEVE, TO FIND SOMETHING GOOD IN EVERY SITUATION, BUT I AM SO TIRED, SO VERY TIRED.

WHY AM I BROKEN?
WHY IS SHE BROKEN?
WHY WERE THEY BROKEN?
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Yes, it's true I am broken. Broken from the inside out, thoroughly broken in spirit and flesh. But my broken heart aches the most of all.

Tapestry

2007-02-26T20:46:00.000-05:00

A slight flaw, perhaps a tiny frayed thread, hardly noticeable.
It appears then disappears unobserved
- the tapestry is strong enough to heal itself.
It overcomes without so much as a whimper or sigh.
Life goes on, not a beat missed, the infirmity instantly forgotten
- erased as quickly as it came from the collective memory.

More and more come and go just as quietly, just as quickly, yet over time, inch by inch, thread by thread, the fabric is weakened.
Still subtle, only noticeable by the fibers themselves, scurrying to heal and keep up "the pace" of life, hoping to keep their weakness concealed.
After all, weakness is 'bad', and slowing down is for 'losers'.
Above all, they must band together to protect the image - keeping up appearances is so important.

From a distance, the tapestry looks new, flawless.
Shimmery in all the right spots, boasting dramatic scenes and intense colors.
"Most people" don't look any closer.
They don't notice the secret scars lurking here or there, next to the print of a gilded leaf or a lofty branch
- the surrepticiously mended spots, tended in secret by the fibers themselves, always scurrying about to hold it all together, lest anyone notice, lest they fall behind in the race, lest they show signs of weakness.

"Most People" are just too busy to notice.
And that suits "everyone" just fine.

After years or decades of hiding, the strain becomes to great, the burden of disguise to heavy, and a threadbare section is revealed.
Aghast, "everyone" takes in a shocked breath and stares at the gaping hole, knowing the truth deep inside, but never daring to speak it
- the truth that with no threads left, there is no way to heal.
No way out, no inner strength, no way to mend.

Having witnessed the pattern before, "they" all induldge their own favorite flavor of denial.
For the truth is that the future holds only more bare spots, threadless, gaping, ghastly holes where there was once a lovely tapestry.
They will keep coming, one upon the other, ever more quickly as time goes on.
The fissures will grow, new ones will appear.
Desperate attempts to patch things up with all manner of devices - needles, looms, and exotic skeins give glimmers of hope, but never the permanency of healing.

Because the secret lies within.
The tapestry must have enough strength within itself to heal.

Would things have been different if better care had been taken in earlier days?
If those subtle tears and signals had been listened too more carefully?
If the tapestry had been cared for with more tenderness, more love even?
Or perhaps, was there a fatal, insidious, invisible flaw right from the beginning that would inevitably reveal itself and its' ruinious intent?

Is there enough strength within for healing, or has it been squandered away in the great competition?

Look inside, then.
See what's left.

Procedures

2007-02-09T21:32:00.000-05:00

They call them 'procedures' or 'outpatient surgery'. They talk in silky, smooth words that slip off their tongues like butter and drip with confidence. 'I've done this 300 times and never had a problem', 'My patients all say it was so easy and painless'. There must be a class in medical school where they learn how to do this. How to talk patients into signing up for procedures that they would never subject themselves to if they knew the TRUTH.

I don't do well with 'procedures', or the 'Versed thing'. I am wide awake and alert and concious and REMEMBER everything. A very good doctor at Piedmont Hospital discovered this in 1994. She immediately stopped the 'procedure', and called in Anesthesia to sedate me. Now, in 2007 I've had numerous other 'procedures' at Piedmont. Before each one, I tell the doc. that the 'Versed thing' doesn't work for me. They pull my chart and see what has worked before, and they call in the Anesthesiologist. It works great that way.

Crawford Long is different. One year ago, while hospitalized, I required a 'procedure'. It was one that I was very familiar with - I'd had it at Piedmont many times. When I asked about sedation, they said they would be using Versed. I explained that Versed does not work for me and refused the procedure. Then they kept sending in nurses, assistants, and finally the doctor (Dr. Fox - that should have tipped me off), all trying to convince me that Versed would work this time. We even agreed on a hand signal I could use in case I was awake when I was not supposed to be - a signal the doctor promised he would watch for and STOP the procedure if he saw it. I was hoodwinked.

In the procedure room, I was wide awake. The doctor started shoving the apparatus down my throat. I started gagging and gave the hand signal. He ignored me and kept pushing the thing down my throat. Then I started clawing and grabbing at him and the machinery. He just pushed harder. I was gagging and crying and clawing and fighting him the whole time. HE LIED TO ME. He ignored me and just crammed the equipment down and some one (I couldn't see) kept grabbing my arms to restrain me. I felt like a rape victim.

Soon I was left alone in the room sobbing. I never saw the doctor again. He didn't check on me, tell me the results, or (God forbid) apologize for ASSAULTING me. I took pictures of the bruises they made on my arms from the struggle, and have thought from time to time about legal action. The simple truth is I don't have the strength or energy for legal action. But, if there was anything I could do to prevent others from this experience, I would do it.

Now it's time for another procedure. They want to poke around in my heart and lungs and measure the pressures in there. A Cardiologist from Crawford Long called me to explain the procedure. When I asked about sedation, he said 'THERE WILL BE NO SEDATION'. So I refused the procedure. I think he was so arrogant that he couldn't believe I would do that. But I did. I've had it with arrogant doctors who just want to meet their numbers, make their money, and refuse to treat each patient as a real PERSON, who just might know more about their body and their reaction to 'procedures' and drugs than the pompus doctors do. I find it absolutely appalling that a doctor would allow a patient to delay a needed procedure, just because they won't do it THE DOCTOR'S WAY. So basically this doctor is saying his ego is more important than my health. I think I'm the lucky one because that's not the kind of doctor I need.

Meanwhile, my PCP is getting me scheduled to see a Cardiologist at Piedmont. Maybe I'll just go back to Piedmont for all of my care, since they have a good track record for treating me in a HUMANE manner and modifying the 'standard procedure' as necessary for me, a very NON-STANDARD patient.

Doing the Right Thing

2007-01-28T03:18:00.000-05:00

Wills' first "teenage" weekend retreat was scheduled for last weekend. It was with his youth group at Alpharetta First United Methodist, and was held at the Athens Y camp in Toccoa, GA. He was so excited all week as the departure date approached. Michael and I practically had to force him to pack long sleeves, warm clothes, and his new winter coat - also some gloves and a knit cap. We tried to explain that not only is the camp 2 hours further north, but is at a much higher elevation. We finally won out, and he ended up with appropriate layers of clothing in his bag. Now whether he wore them, I have no idea!

We had at least 4 flyers with the detailed itinerary, a packing list, a "what NOT to bring list", etc. The itinerary said that check-in and registration started at 8 PM Friday night. Since there was no other earlier time mentioned in any of the paperwork, we assumed he was to check in at the church (about 1 mile from our house) at 8 PM Friday night.

While Michael was driving home, he got a call on his cell phone from the youth leader. He said they had waited as long as they could for Will, but had to go ahead and let the buses leave. Apparently it was announced verbally that departure from the church was at 6PM. The 8PM Registration and Checkin was to be held at the camp in Toccoa. Turner (the youth leader) said that the departure time was not written anywhere, but was verbally announced at church. We figured that Will probably didn't hear or didn't remember the announcement. For the most part, the other kids in the youth group have parents that also attend AFUMC, so their parents probably heard the announcement. Since Michael and I attend East Cherokee, we didn't hear the announcement, thus missing the bus departure.

Will came to me with big tears welling up in his eyes bearing the news. He was completely crestfallen, thinking he had missed out on his much anticipated trip. His bubble was burst. I tried to calm him down and assured him that we would get him up there somehow. I went to mapquest and mapped out the route. When Michael got home after fighting Friday evening rush hour traffic, we greeted himw with the map and a plea to get back on the road to take Will up to the camp. Michael had already made plans for the evening with a friend, but didn't hesitate to cancel, load Will up, and head off into the dark, cold, winter nightl. Counting the return trip, that put him on the road for 5 more hours.

You could see the happiness flood Will's face as he realized he was to be reunited with his group. I assured him that he'd be no more that 1 hour late and wouldn't miss much at all. I was so proud of Michael for taking on the task gladly. I know he was tired, cold, it was inconvenient, and to top it off he already had plans of his own. So many of us, even parents, choose not to do the right thing if it is inconvenient or gets in the way of our own plans. Michael did the right thing with a smile, and considering the event, probably made an eternal impact. Another good peice of news is that Michael saw Andrew at the camp on Friday night working as a camp helper. We were glad to know that he was spending the weekend in a wholesome environment too.

Will got home around 1PM on Sunday. He was pumped! He said they had a live band and the music was going "all weekend", and they were jumping up and down and moving all weekend. He said the walls of the meeting room were covered with names written in chalk - names of people that had accepted Christ as their saviour in that room, going back into the 1920's. He said he didn't write his name because he had already become a Christian at the "BBQ Church". This was a small group we worshiped with at a BBQ restaurant a few years ago. He enjoyed the weekend so much that he volunteered to go back this weekend as a helper. Since that would interfere with his Upward game and his Confirmation class, we didn't let him go, but it was wonderful to see his enthusiasm. He's already talking about Summer Youth Camp and can't wait to go.

This is good stuff. Any parent knows that kids will find something to keep themselves busy, and if they aren't busy with positive activities, they will fill the void with less-than positive outlets. I am reminded of the many youth trips I was blessed to attend and how much I enjoyed them, and what a positive influence they had on my life. Will has found a good fit at AFUMC, and for that I am truely grateful. This will be a wonderful influence on him as he progresses through Middle and High school.

So, our baby has been initiated into church youth group trips, and can't wait to go on more. By the next trip, he'll probably feel like a veteran and will most likely be planning pranks well in advance. I have a few of those up my sleeve to share with him - I can't wait!

Ribs

2007-01-19T09:21:00.000-05:00

Now that I have a walker, I'm able to cook again on my good days, and so I'm cooking about 2 times a week. On Monday, Will and I went to the grocery store and bought some ribs - that's about his favorite food. I put them in marinade and planned to have ribs for dinner Monday night. Then I was reminded that it was Scout night, and Amanda said she wouldn't' be home for dinner either. So I just left the ribs in the marinade until the next opportunity for a family meal - Wednesday night. (Tuesday night never works because Amanda has Explorers).

Wednesday came, and around 1:00 I put the ribs in the oven on 200 degrees and coated them with BBQ sauce. I basted every hour or so and turned them a few times. When I pulled them out for dinner at 7:00, the meat was falling off the bone and they were bone-sucking good!Everyone pitched in and we cooked fried okra, corn on the cobb, and texas toast to go with the ribs.

Every Wednesday night at 8:30, Will has Upward Basketball practice. They use part of the time for a brief bible lesson and memory verses. During their 'serious' time, Will got distracted by some BBQ sauce on his arm. He started wiping it off with his finger and eating it - then proclaimed loudly "My Mom made the best ribs tonight!" while the leader was reading John 3:16. Reportedly, this pretty much broke up the group and the 'serious' time. Bless his heart, he means well. Michael discreetly told him to go to the restroom and clean up his hands and arms, and Will responded loudly "Oh, don't worry Dad, I'm all clean now - I ate it all". I guess all of the perspiration didn't affect the flavor too much.

Boys will be Boys! It's a great feeling when people enjoy my cooking.

Christmas 2006

2006-12-31T06:23:00.000-05:00

It's now New Year's eve (only 6:30 in the morning, but still the last day of the year). We managed to get through the Christmas season relatively well. We got lots of beautiful cards and pictures from our friends and families. I haven't sent out Christmas cards in over 10 years - can you beleive that? For so many years, I was "too busy". Now, I'm just plain tired. I am very stingy with my time because there is so little of it to go around; I spend more time sick or at doctor offices than I do anywhere else. I have to 'save my spoons' for things that are truely important.

We talked at length about a tree, even took a family vote. Amanda voted a definate NO to getting a tree. I was on the fence - didn't care either way. Everyone else voted YES. In the past, we've always had a live tree. This year, as time was quickly running out and we still didn't have a tree, John came home with a new artificial tree from Wal-Mart. I was very pleasantly surprised - it really was beautiful. Then there were the added benefits that Garfield didn't drink the water and kill it, no one had to remember to add water every day, there are no pesky needles all over the house, and of course we didn't have to deal with disposing it. Plus, we're all ready to go next year - Our tree is neatly boxed up and waiting for us. So all in all, it was a great idea John had and I have to say I'm a convert (I used to be a "natural or nothing" Christmas tree snob).

As soon as the tree went up and was decorated, presents begain to 'appear' under it. Garfield loved the tree perhaps more than anyone. He was forever swatting at the ornaments, garland, and lights, and even kept tring to climb up the trunk. When he did that, the whole tree would start swaying back and forth, and the spire on the top wobbled wildly. So I guess I'd have to say the tree was a big hit all the way around.

We did some furniture rearranging in order to make a spot for the tree. We moved the big green chair up to our bedroom, along with the reading table and lamp. I'm really enjoying the change, and have decided to make it permanent. Now we have a great, quiet reading nook in the bedroom. Michael gave me a pretty table top fountain which I placed atop the reading table. It is so relaxing! The only thing is that Garfield likes to drink from it, so I have to keep a close eye on the water level so it doesn't go dry and damage the motor. We put the piano in the corner where the big green chair had been - and I like that change too. I know it sounds silly, but now that the piano is more visible, I tend to play it more - and that's a good thing. Its a great outlet for me. I usually put on the headphones so only I hear what I'm playing, because there is usually a lot of noise and stuff going on in the house.

We had a more frugal gift-giving season than in the past, but no less meaningful or fun. Amanda gave me a tea set that is AWESOME. It is hand made cast iron from Japan, the type of tea set I've wanted for years but would never have spent the money on. It is warm green with dragonflies on it, and it is so perfect. Dragonflies symbolize new beginnings, and I've always been partial to them, but never knew their symbolic meaning. It reminds me of the plaque on my wall that my Mother gave me that says "Today is the first day of the rest of your life". I've been offering tea to everyone in sight. My family has been indulging me by sharing pots of tea, but I don't think anyone else really enjoys it the way I do. Amanda got me the matching trivet and two teacups with saucers to match. They tried to sell her a warmer that you put a candle in and it keeps your tea warm for hours, but I didn't think I needed it. I've changed my mind on that, and when I have $39 to spare I'm going to get it. That way I can brew a pot and sip on it all morning.

John gave me this incredible sleeping mask. It is so fluffy and soft and goes over your eyes. It TOTALLY blocks out any light, and has different sounds you can play. There is white noise, a babbling brook, the ocean, birds chirping, and some others. Plus, you can plug in your iPod and listen to that if you want to. Of course, you can also listen to nothing, just put on the mask and block out all of the light and take a nap. I've been using it every day... it's so perfect for me! Now I can take a nap in the recliner in the middle of the day in complete darkness. Plus the plush fabric feels SO GOOD against my skin and sort of 'hugs' me. I like it a lot, I guess you can tell.

'Santa' brought Will the SIMS. He's always wanting to play on Amanda's game and so we knew he would enjoy having it for himself. We were right. For the first 2 days, I don't think he ate or slept at all - he just played the SIMS. What I really like about that game is that it makes you think and really teaches life concepts in a fun way. Like if you don't work, you don't eat, or if y ou don't learn to cook you burn up your house, if you don't get enough rest you get sick, if you don't bathe you get sick - stuff like that. I'm relieved that it works flawlessly on his laptop, because it is an IBM Thinkpad and sometimes things don't work exactly right on it.

There was lots more special gift-giving - too much to recall it all here.

On Christmas Eve we had a very special time. Michael, John, Andrew, Grandpa Bill and I all went to the Christmas Eve service at our church. I think that other than Grandma Betts funeral, this was the only time the five of us have been to church together. It was mostly music and sharing. The lights were dimmed so it was comfortable on my eyes. Both John and I shared during the service, and it was just so special being all together like that. My only wish was that Amanda could have been with us, but it was her time to be with her Dad and Marsha. Afterwards, we were hungry for dinner but I was far to tired to deal with cooking, so we went out for Mexican.

Our 'family Christmas' was on the 18th at my brother, Joel's house. I knew beforehand that I was not up to going. I got several calls from Joel, Mom, and Dad, all encouraging me to go. I know their intentions were good, but I had to listen to my body - I know my limitations and it would have been very uncomfortable - plus my family wouldn't have been able to stay as long as they wanted because I would have had to leave early. Amanda helped me make big baskets for each of my brothers families and my Mom & Dad, and I sent them to the gathering. I got a lot of enjoyment from that and it made me feel like I was participating in some small way. One thing we put in all the baskets was 'Peppermint Bark'. This is super easy to make, and Amanda made it while I sat and instructed her. It's so much fun teaching her to cook things and watching her as she tries things for the first time in the kitchen. The bark was no exception. It turned out great, and we had plenty of it to go around and give to friends and family. On Christmas morning, each of the kids even had a bag of it in their stockings!

On the 27th, we got sad news. My dear uncle Drew passed away. He was my mothers only brother, and father to 4 of my cousins. He has been seriously ill for the last 8 years, due to a heart condition. He was on over 6 liters of oxygen! (I'm only on 2-3 liters). He was able to spend Christmas day with his family, and according to reports he died quickly and without pain. He has always been dear to me, kind, gentle, and caring. We never lived close enough together to form a close bond, but I love him none the less. I know he was a believer and I know we'll see him again. That is my consolation. Rather than send flowers, I went to the American Heart Association website and donated $50 in his memory; my aunt will get a card from my family for him. My parents, who just returned from Texas the week before Christmas, went back to Louisiana on the 28th for the services and to be with the family. The services were yesterday, the 30th. They had to wait until then because my cousin Nathan was in Africa and that was the earliest that he could get home.

Yesterday morning (Saturday), I made breakfast (with help), and we were all together to eat it (a rare thing!). Michael, John, Andrew, Amanda,Will, and me. Everyone seemed to enjoy it, from the cathead biscuits to the Mayhaw jelly. Afterwards, before everyone could dash off their seperate ways for the day, I asked the kids to please take down the tree. Michael brought in the storage boxes, and they all got to work. They had it done in no time. I was feeling very tired and went to bed. I kept feeling worse and worse, and about 1:00 I realized I had not taken my morning medicine - DUH! So I took it and in about an hour I started feeling human again and got out of bed.

The Verdict is in - Maybe

2006-12-23T08:47:00.000-05:00

I went to Dr. Daily (Infectious Disease) and he studied my CT scans and agreed with the Radiologis and ER doctor - said I am 'a very sick lady' and have 'acute Mastoiditis'. So thats 3 doctors to 1, so I'm going with the majority. I have to finish out the Cipro and if it's not cleared, either go to IV antibiotics or a stronger oral one. Still have the constant headache and nausea, feel like I've been run over by a Mac truck. I am totally noise and light sensitive, they both make me feel like crawling out of my skin. And the abdominal pain that is at times WORSE than my joint pain.

There's always a twist though. Michael did some research and found that Sarcoid can attack the Mastoid bone and mimic Mastoiditis. So, this whole thing could be from Sarc and not an infection. The only way to tell is surgery. yipee, can you tell how thrilled I am?

After I take my morning meds and a double dose of Percocet, I can squeeze out a little bit of 'quality time', which I'm using very judicously. I usually get one more window of 'feel ok time' late in the evening (late for me), usually around 8. Thats when my evening pain meds kick in. Other than those two times of day, my physical life is misery. I put my best face on and try to focus on the positives, try my best not to dampen the spirits of those I love, and just take a moment at a time. Distractions help, music helps, seeing my children smile helps, a kiss from Michael helps, loving my kitty helps, naps help, making tea in my new Dragonfly teapot helps (and sipping it!).

Stumped

2006-12-19T21:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, so today Amanda drove me to see my ENT doctor, the same doc that has operated on me at least 3 times and treated me for 10 years. He looked at the CT scan and saw the abnormal fluid in the mastoids and said, well theres no way to have fluid in the Mastoid unless it comes from the middle ear. He looked at my ears and said they were clear. So he basically had no idea why I have fluid in my mastoids, pain in my ears and back of my head. But he strongly disagreed with the ER doctor about Mastoiditis. He seemed to not really have a clue what is going on with me or what I should do next, and he didn't even really seem like he wanted to get involved (too complicated?). I was surprised and left feeling like I'd wasted my time. He had no idea what the problem is or how to fix it. So, left to my own devices I think I'll go see my Nerologist (since after all there is excruciating pain in the back of my head), and my GI doctor (since I also have excruciating pain in my left pelvic region). It was kind of funny, Dr. Jackson (ENT guy) didn't have a clue what was going on in my ears, nose, throat, etc., but seemed 100% certain that I have diverticulitis (sp?). We'll have to see if Dr. Jagiella agrees. In the meantime I'll take the Cipro and go with the flow. I guess I can always take my breakthrough pain meds or go to the ER if it gets too bad. Anyway the silver lining is I got to spend most of the day with Amanda and we even did a little bit of secret santa shopping (shhh).

Migraine-ish Mastoiditis

2006-12-18T19:25:00.000-05:00

Sunday morning I awoke to the worst headache yet. It occured to me that these headaches have all been in the lower back of my head, and usually my migraines are in the front of the head. So, I thought, maybe it's not a migraine, maybe I have a blood pressure problem.

So I pulled out the cuff and snapped it on, and yep there it was: 210 over 110. I took it 3 more times just to make sure. Then I called my Dr. and he said do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to the ER.

So off to the ER we went. After a $100 deductable and a CT scan of my head, it was determined that I have major infection in my mastoids - both sides. These little gems are right in the lower back of the head - amazing - right where my headaches have been. So I've been walking around with this infection for about a week and a half now, when Dr. Butler said any infection needs to be treated within 48 hours because of the drugs I'm on. ypiee, what fun. Mastoiditis, I discovered, can spread into the bone, requiring surgery. It can also lead to Meningitis if not treated promptly and aggressively. No wonder I've felt like the bottom of a wet diaper pail for the last week. The one bright spot to the ER trip was 2 pain shots and some temporary relief from the non-stop pain.

So I started on Cipro 500 MG 2x daily and of course pain pills to mask the constant agony that I used to call a life. And of course no more Remicade until everything is completely cleared up...so my Sarc can have a Christmas party, and probably a New Year's party too - all without the interference of any of those nasty little TNF inhibitors or auto-immune suppressors to dampen their fun. I just hope that unleashing the Sarc monster won't cause a flare-up and God forbid, a hospital stay.

This morning I woke up with no headache (although it did return later in the day), so based on that I think the Cipro is working. I'm just hoping its not too little too late.

Tomorrow I follow up with the ENT specialist who once told me "I can cut off a person's whole head if I want to" - now isn't that comforting. On the other hand, I would probably feeel a lot better if he did.

I have to go to the GI specialist too, because I've been having intense pain in my lower left abdomen. I had an abmormal CT scan in that area last year; maybe it is related. Who knows. I need a personal secretary just to keep up with my medicines and doctors and tests. Am I dying? Or will this pass? I dunno. I guess I'll find out when I find out.

Meanwhile I haven't begun to shop for Christmas; its kind of hard to do when you're in bed with pain for 18 hours out of every day. Hmm. Maybe I'll give hugs this year.

Oh What a Relief it is!

2006-12-14T08:23:00.000-05:00

I'm reminded of that old Alka-Seltzer commercial "plop plop, fizz fizz, Oh what a relief it is"... guess that tells a bit about my age. But pure relief is what I feel this morning. I woke up with NO HEADACHE & NO NAUSEA! Tired? yes. Joint Pain? constantly. But no Migraine. I'm really glad because Will is home sick from school and I have to be at the hospital for a 10:30 appointment this morning. Taking care of his appointment and mine will be so much easier without the Migraine.

So, what's been going on around here for the last 3 days while I've been consumed with flashing lights, nausea and Ginger Ale? Well, last night John came home with a Christmas Tree for us. We just keep running into scheduling hurdles and its now 12/14 and we still haven't bought a tree. So John came to the rescue and surprised us last night. It was really sweet and thoughtful of him to take care of that for the family. He's still waiting on the final yes or no from the Alpharetta Police Department. We know he passed all of the tests, including the oral interviews, but he doesn't have a final answer/job offer yet.

Andrew is still working a temp job with UPS. It is supposed to end on 12/22. He's working on a lot of other leads for employment after that date, including a possibility of being hired on at UPS as a regular employee. He's completed interviews with Comcast, and is waiting for a final yes/no from them. He's also looking into work at SmokeJack. I think he's hoping we take a trip to Lisbon after Christmas and wants to go along. Its been 7 years since we last took him, and it would be great for him to get to go again.

Michael is having a good month at work. Sales and Renewals are up, thanks to his top notch Customer Care. That really seems to be his niche. He finally went to the doctor about his persistant cough and breathing problems. He's been diagnosed with several allergies: Dog, Cat, and Dust Mites (of which we have plenty!!), and with Asthma. They put him on some new meds and he said he hasn't had a "breathing spell" since he started the meds. That's really good news, because he's been carrying a nebulizer around all the time and using it several times a day! It's also great news that he doesn't have a lung problem. Hopefully he's back on track and will feel much better.

Amanda finished her finals on Tuesday - all done with her first semester of college! She doesn't go back until January. Meanwhile, she's been working 2 jobs - Theater Tech for two different productions. The last performance is Sunday 12/17 and she will be burning the candle at both ends until then. On Monday, I'm betting she'll be complaining of boredom...but she'll have a bit larger bank balance to show for it all.

Will is enjoying playing basketball. His first game was last Saturday, 12/9, and his team won by 2 points. He got the star for best effort. If we could just keep his shoes tied snugly, I think he would do even better. This week he's been complaining of a sore throat. No fever, and the throat looks ok to me. But I finally let him stay home today and have a 3:45 doctors appointment for him this afternoon to check it out.

Tomorrow at noon I have a date with Grandpa Bill. We're going to sip tea and he's going to tell me stories while I snuggle up on his big sofa. What a great way to spend a Friday afternoon!

That's all for now, I've got to get a quick shower and rouse Amanda (my designated driver this morning).