Double Bump

So the foot thing was a bump - then came another bump. My left ear has been bothering me so I finally went to the ENT last Wednesday. He took one look at it and setup outpatient surgery for Friday morning. Seems my tube was sucked down into my middle ear and my eardrum grew back over it all. What a mess. Well fortunately there wasn't any infection in there and he released me for Remicade next week. The Infectious Disease doctor also released me for Remicade next week, so hopefully I'll be back on track soon.

I got my own flippers (since I think I may have got the infection from using the flippers at the Y), and I went swimming yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks. It felt GREAT. I also got these cool socks that you wear with the flippers (who would've ever thought of such a thing?). They were sooo comfortable and keep the flippers from rubbing against my skin. I really liked them.

I am sooooo ready to be healthy again, to be 'normal' again, to say YES when my friends and family ask me to go somewhere fun again. To hold a job again. I wonder if I'll be tethered to an oxygen tank for the rest of my life. I wonder if I'll ever climb Blood Mountain again? If I could, I would go up there with Amanda and stay all night under the stars. That would be heaven on earth.

On another note, I'm begging Michael to find a different job with a rotating schedule, or to work nights or something. I fear I've become such a burden on my Mom and Amanda taking me back and forth to all of these doctor appointments I have. Amanda will be going to college soon, then it will all fall back on Mom, and I hate the thought of it. She doesn't need the stress and expense of coming over here all the time to take me downtown. She needs a break from ME.

On yet another note, I did another one of my 'escapes' last week. It all started while I was trying to put up a wallpaper border in Will's room - I needed both Amanda and Will to help me. As usual, things deteriorated between the two of them. Finally Amanda left. It was really hard to finish it up without her help. I feel like my heart is being ripped out and pulled apart by them. It is so hard when your children seem to hate each other and disrespect each other like that. I could have gone straight to a very negative place. Instead, I packed enough stuff for an overnight trip, filled my oxygen tank, and left. I did do them the courtesy of leaving a note saying I would be back at 5AM the next morning (I had to be back to go for my surgery). I decided I needed a break and I needed to pamper myself, so I did. I checked into a very nice hotel, ordered room service, and watched movies. Every now and then, I thought about my 'problem' and started getting weepy and all, but for the most part I was OK. Maybe it wasn't the best response, but it was a better response than staying home and being emotionally battered all day. When I got home, Will apologized and seemed genuinely worried about where I had gone and if I had been safe. Amanda was mad at me and I think still is. She told me she is 'not to interested' in going on our vacation in August. I told her it's completely up to her, she just needs to let me know today because I have to have time to change things. I can't get refunds at the last minute. I am disappointed, because my kids haven't had a vacation with Mom for 4 YEARS. I was so excited to plan something special for them and to be able to go along with them to enjoy it. I made special invitations for each of them, I really tried to make a big deal of it and to make them feel special. I've decided that if Amanda backs out, I'll just try to get some one else (that can drive) to go with me and Will. I've decided not to let it ruin a special time, even though I'd wanted Amanda to share in it. I'm determined NOT to let it hurt me or wallow in rejection. That's healthy, right?