3 Good Days

3 Good Days

It's Saturday night. I've just had 3 good days in a row. Wow, what a blessing. I've spent most of my time with my kids and it's been so wonderful just doing 'normal' stuff together. They are so precious and every minute with them is a gift. What can I say, except thank you God for 3 good days. And if anyone is reading this, some advice: treasure every moment with your family and friends. Those moments can never be taken away from you no matter what happens in the future. Let tomorrow come, tonight I'm counting my blessings.

Small Things

Small changes, just a little at a time. So you don' t really notice too much; but the friend who hasn't seen you for a year gasps in disgust before quickly hiding her reaction under an ever so plesant "Oh it's so great to see you again!"

...Though to be honest the friend who hasn't seen you for a year will probably pass by without so much as a glance, not even recognizing the thing you have become.

Little bits and peices; changes; odd things; 'unusual' things; unwelcome things. The inevitable decay that one expects to meet eventually - but not at 41. Such a surprise, such a mystery, to start sliding down that slippery slope at such an age. With so much left to do, so much left to BE.

At our first meeting, I was unstoppable; just a little time; a little rest - all would be good as new. Now we have been constant companions for these 2 years - everything is different. I know the power, the relentless strength, and the me that I was is only a faint memory.

Every assault digs a little deeper, eats away a little more at your belief that one day you'll 'beat this thing', tearing away flesh and bone and spirit; gobbling it down as if it were a delicious treat.

Its so hard to believe when the scoreboard is always against you and gaining.

I had always prayed for a quick death; just to go in my sleep unexpectedly. Seems like a cruel joke to drag it out like this; just a TINY dose of death EVERY DAY and plenty of TIME to watch it happen.

Just small changes, just a little at at time.

Weathering the Storm

Weathering the Storm

I haven't written in awhile. It's been a tough month. I was diagnosed with "drug induced" Diabetes and it has been a roller coaster. I had no idea how bad Diabetes can make you feel - Nausea, Headaches, Visual Disturbances, Irratable, Sweating, Weakness, Fatigue, MOOD SWINGS - and I've been sleeping about 16 hours a day. I cry at the drop of a hat, and anywhere - I can't seem to control it. Now I'm on Insulin, but not responding like a 'normal' person (is there such a thing?). My Endocrinologist (yes, ANOTHER new specialist to see and PAY) says the Prednisone has made me Insulin resistant and that is why it is taking so much to stabilize my sugar. I take 5-7 shots a day plus two pills and have to check my sugar 8-10 times a day. My sugar has been racing around in the high 400's and it feels like CRUD.

Meanwhile, my Rheumy says the Remicade MUST be working because I cut my Prednisone from 20MG to 10MG and didn't get any worse (I didn't get any better, either). But she says the fact that I didn't have a flare when I cut the Pred. means the Remicade must be working. So she increased the Remicade dosage for my next infusion on June 29. So I guess that's my silver lining in this storm.