ACCEPTANCE

I used to read "acceptance is the key to recovery", several times a week. That was a long time ago, and many demons ago. Of all the demons I've encountered, I never considered Pride to be a significant one, never really thought of myself as prideful, but could always so easily point it out in others. Isn't that the way it is with all of us?

Some things I have to learn over and over. I have resisted help available to me. I have not followed doctor's orders. Why? PRIDE. Pure and simple, that's it in a nutshell. What will people think of me? Will my children be embarrassed to be seen with me? How can I stand to see those 'looks' from people - you know the looks - surprise, shock, disgust, pity, judgement, fear, all those things you see in people's eyes when they look at you. When they see your illness and it's trappings. When they compare the 'old' me to the 'new' me in their minds. My PRIDE would not let me ACCEPT the help available to me because of these things - these FEARS, all of them in my own head. Did I actually think that by resisting help I could pass myself off as 'normal', 'healthy', 'the same old Jeannie?'. I guess somewhere, somehow my mind worked that way. I have been conducting an amazing act of self-deception.

I got over it this week. I started doing 2 things to take care of myself, and in the process gulped down a big, bitter dose of PRIDE.

First, I'm using my oxygen 24 x 7 now. The doctor prescribed it for night time use a couple of years ago, then increased it to 24 x 7 a few months ago. Now I know they don't prescribe the stuff unless you really NEED it, but feeling self-concious about going around in public with a canula and oxygen tank, I resisted using it except in the privacy of home. This week, I started taking it along everywhere I go. It makes a huge difference in how I feel and how much I can do in a day. No big surprise, right, since every cell of my body needs oxygen all the time and my lungs only produce about 50% of what my body needs. Every time I have a Pulmonary Function Test, the results keep getting worse. I NEED the oxygen, and now I'm ACCEPTING it. My body quietly thanks me every time I use it, as if to say "finally, you are taking care of me - what a relief!".

The second thing is riding the scooter in Wal-Mart. For the last 2 years, any trip to the grocery store or Wal-Mart has been very difficult for me. I don't even consider going to the mall. Michael does all of the grocery shopping for this reason. This week, Amanda needed to shop for a weekend retreat. I went with her and rode the scooter. I asked her if she was embarrassed and she said 'of course not!'. The amazing thing is this: I had the first 'fun' shopping outing with my daughter in 2 years! No kidding. Because of my PRIDE, we have missed out on 2 years of fun trips to Wal-Mart. What a waste! Shopping has been so painful and gets worse every month. The pain was so bad that I would either turn into the worlds biggest grouch and lash out at those around me (on a bad day), or just clam up and rush through and go straight to bed afterwards (on a good day). So now I can go to Wal-Mart with my family and ENJOY being with them again. Riding the scooter felt like being let out of prison, just cruising down the aisles, taking my time looking for things, not rushing, or looking for a place to sit, just enjoying the time with my daughter. And I didn't have to pop a couple of Vicoden before and after the trip.... Yeah!

Sometimes its good to get back to the basics. I'm going to be focusing on Acceptance for awhile.