Not So Great Today

I had a few really good days last week, but now it's not so great. I have a migraine and my joints are all revolting at once. They feel like they are all on fire and burning out through my skin. I didn't sleep much at all last night because of migraines and joint pain. I've taken my Max MLT which works great, but leaves me with nausea and a wiped out feeling afterwards. I've taken my breakthrough pain meds but they haven't worked yet. The good news is that today I go for my Remicade, and Dr. Butler changed my prescription from every 6 weeks to every 4 weeks, so I'll be getting more of it. I'm also up to .8 on MTX every week. I really do think all of this is working, it's just very slow and there are still many tough days, like today. The weather doesn't help. Whenever storms are around, it makes my joints hurt. Dr. Butler says it's because the fluid inside my synovial joint space (which isn't supposed to be there) responds to the changes in barometric pressure, and that causes the pain. OUCH!

Amanda graduates on May 26 and there is so much to be done!

I need strength!

I need good days.

Installing Love

Tech Support: Yes .. how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support: First step is to open your heart Have you located your heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they're running?
Tech Support: What programs are running?
Customer: Let's see, I have Low Self-Esteem, Past Hurt, Grudge and Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment are completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system overwrites any conflicting files and begins patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn
share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: Thank you, God.

Squirrels & A Rental Car

It's time to pay ad valorem taxes on our van and truck (Yipee!). That means its emission testing time too. So last week I took my car to Jiffy Lube for it's annual check-up. The technician came into the waiting room and said, "Ms. Allen, there's something out here you need to see". That's never good coming from some one who's working on your car.

To everyone's amazement, there was a HUGE leaf nest under my hood. So huge, in fact, that it completely covered 1/2 of my engine! There were leaves, twigs, sticks, and everything an industrious little squirrel could find, all jammed in so tightly you couldn't stick a finger in there (If you were silly enough to want to do that!). Now I've seen plenty squirrel nests, right in my yard, in fact, but they've always been in TREES. What kind of squirrel builds an apartment complex under the hood of a car? A CRAZY one, I suppose. I guess all of the CRAZY squirrels have taken up residence in our yard.
All the technicians gathered around, gaping at my giant nest. "Wow, I've never seen anything like this before", and "Gee, does this car just sit for months or something?" were the comments from the peanut gallery. Finally, one of the guys got enough courage to poke at the heap with a stick and start to break it up. I think they were all a bit leary of what might come crawling out of there.

But, finally, with most of the debris gone, nothing crawled out. Seeming a bit more confident, the tech. started vacuuming up the remnants. Then he saw it - the wiring damage caused by these industrious little pests. The main wiring harness to my fuse box looked like an untamed mass of shredded wheat. It's amazing the car was still operable, and hadn't caught on fire.

This was a job for the pros. So my car went to Honda Carland today for repairs. I imagine it won't be cheap. But hey, it's been a great car and I don't have any car payments, so I'll just deal with it somehow. Enterprise brought me a Camry to drive until my van is repaired, so now its just a waiting game to see what the $$ damage is.

I'll be checking under my hood frequently from now on in case those little guys get any ideas about re-building thier masterpiece. Too bad I can't send the squirrels the bill.

ACCEPTANCE

I used to read "acceptance is the key to recovery", several times a week. That was a long time ago, and many demons ago. Of all the demons I've encountered, I never considered Pride to be a significant one, never really thought of myself as prideful, but could always so easily point it out in others. Isn't that the way it is with all of us?

Some things I have to learn over and over. I have resisted help available to me. I have not followed doctor's orders. Why? PRIDE. Pure and simple, that's it in a nutshell. What will people think of me? Will my children be embarrassed to be seen with me? How can I stand to see those 'looks' from people - you know the looks - surprise, shock, disgust, pity, judgement, fear, all those things you see in people's eyes when they look at you. When they see your illness and it's trappings. When they compare the 'old' me to the 'new' me in their minds. My PRIDE would not let me ACCEPT the help available to me because of these things - these FEARS, all of them in my own head. Did I actually think that by resisting help I could pass myself off as 'normal', 'healthy', 'the same old Jeannie?'. I guess somewhere, somehow my mind worked that way. I have been conducting an amazing act of self-deception.

I got over it this week. I started doing 2 things to take care of myself, and in the process gulped down a big, bitter dose of PRIDE.

First, I'm using my oxygen 24 x 7 now. The doctor prescribed it for night time use a couple of years ago, then increased it to 24 x 7 a few months ago. Now I know they don't prescribe the stuff unless you really NEED it, but feeling self-concious about going around in public with a canula and oxygen tank, I resisted using it except in the privacy of home. This week, I started taking it along everywhere I go. It makes a huge difference in how I feel and how much I can do in a day. No big surprise, right, since every cell of my body needs oxygen all the time and my lungs only produce about 50% of what my body needs. Every time I have a Pulmonary Function Test, the results keep getting worse. I NEED the oxygen, and now I'm ACCEPTING it. My body quietly thanks me every time I use it, as if to say "finally, you are taking care of me - what a relief!".

The second thing is riding the scooter in Wal-Mart. For the last 2 years, any trip to the grocery store or Wal-Mart has been very difficult for me. I don't even consider going to the mall. Michael does all of the grocery shopping for this reason. This week, Amanda needed to shop for a weekend retreat. I went with her and rode the scooter. I asked her if she was embarrassed and she said 'of course not!'. The amazing thing is this: I had the first 'fun' shopping outing with my daughter in 2 years! No kidding. Because of my PRIDE, we have missed out on 2 years of fun trips to Wal-Mart. What a waste! Shopping has been so painful and gets worse every month. The pain was so bad that I would either turn into the worlds biggest grouch and lash out at those around me (on a bad day), or just clam up and rush through and go straight to bed afterwards (on a good day). So now I can go to Wal-Mart with my family and ENJOY being with them again. Riding the scooter felt like being let out of prison, just cruising down the aisles, taking my time looking for things, not rushing, or looking for a place to sit, just enjoying the time with my daughter. And I didn't have to pop a couple of Vicoden before and after the trip.... Yeah!

Sometimes its good to get back to the basics. I'm going to be focusing on Acceptance for awhile.

I didn't die today

I've been swimming 3 times this week. It's pure torture. After I drag myself out of the pool and into the shower, I barely have the strength to dress. That's when I have my 'moment' in front of the mirror. I stare straight into it and say "I didn't die today!", then I leave the room and slam the door. That's my bit of defiance, my victory party for the day. I muster my remaining strength and take the elevator upstairs, check out, and lumber out to my car. I drop into the seat and turn on my oxygen and take a few deep puffs. I pop 2 Vicoden because the pain is unbelievable, and by the time I get home and lay down, they start to kick in. They never win, but they eventually take the edge off.

Our Y membership is paid up for the next 11 months. I'll be talking to that mirror a lot. Even if it's the only thing I do all day long, I'm going to get over there to have my 'victory moment' with that damn mirror. As long as I'm here to do it.

Boss of the Year Award

Michael's boss fired him on Friday because he has been out sick for 5 days. He was taken to the hospital from his office by ambulance on Monday because of kidney stones. He had surgery on Tuesday, and came home on Wednesday. He has a very serious kidney infection and needs additional surgery, but they cant do it because of the infection. So if anyone knows the company DEC International, or the man Alan Fiefer, well you know a really GREAT company and a really GREAT boss. Michael has NEVER called in sick in the 2 years he has worked there. What a guy. All I can say is good riddance. We'll move on. We'll pray for forgiveness for our part in this and for Alan too.

Mr Fiefer has to sleep with himself every night (how in the heck do you think hedoes it?).

.....A GREAT PLACE TO WORK!!!