When I Grow Up, I Want To Be....

DNC Hypocrisy - Someone has to say it

2008-08-28T00:38:00.008-05:00

With nearly constant media coverage on every news station, it's nearly impossible to avoid the lavish DNC festivities this week.... and it's nearly impossible to overlook the phoney, "we're fighting for the working folks" rhetoric.

With tear wrenching stories of single moms fighting cancer, families that cannot afford medical insurance or services, layoffs, and every ill imaginable thrust upon the "common man", it's amazing to me how millions of Americans just soak this up and blindly give allegiance to whomever is on the Democratic ticket. But then, I'm amazed that Bill and Hillary can even show their faces in public after disgracing the highest office in our nation, treating our brave volunteer military like trash, disregarding the laws of our land and the oath of office, etc. I guess I'm just behind the times.

Like sheep to the slaughter, millions of Americans blindly follow the DEM-hype... It's pure EMOTION. Where's the beef? Where is the experience to lead a fortune 500 company, much less to lead the greatest nation in the world?

If the DEMS are so serious about helping the common man, they could simplify the convention itself and provide many, many "working families" with more money than they can hope to earn in a life time. I would really like to know how much has been spent on this garish spectacle. Then, to top it off, Obama moves the entire convention, just because he wants to, to the 75,000 capacity Invesco stadium, just for the one last night. Now really, how many millions is that costing? Think about it... all the glitz and glamour, telecommunications, security, programming changes, logistical changes, the cost of the stadium itself, cancellation costs... I could go on and on. And why? Just because Obama wants to at the last minute...and anyone who has been in business knows that EVERYTHING costs more when it is done at the last minute. I wouldn't be surprised if Thursday night costs more than the entire convention Monday - Wednesday.

So I say the Dems should put their money where there mouth is. The hypocrisy of it all is astounding. Those "working families" are really out here.. and we're taking notes.

HMMMM..... Something's Brewing: Do you know what PUMA stands for?

2008-08-17T17:04:00.003-05:00

It's all about that big happy family, the Democratic National Party. All for one and one for all - only question is which one? Check it Out!

Hillary, Bill, Obama Serve Up the Kool-Aid

2008-08-14T23:28:00.006-05:00

Is it my imagination, or is it stating the obvious? I'll chalk it up to an over-active imagination, but to be safe, I'm not drinking Kool-Aid these days.

Does anyone really believe that Hillary took her eyes off the prize? All that is necessary is to LISTEN and WATCH what the dynamic Clinton duo have been up to, and REMEMBER their illustrious past. Hillary hitched her ambitions to the coat tails of her lying, cheating, husband who taught my 10 year old the meaning of oral sex on the 6:00 news, and she's not about to let go now. His behavior and her complicity have encouraged an entire generation of our children to reject all moral absolutes, and trade sexual favors like first graders trade Valentine cards. This fact alone reveals the lengths to which she will go and the depths to which she is willing to sink in her unquenchable pursuit of power. Having already sacrificed her integrity, her marriage, her dignity, her daughter, and the respect of those of us who dare to demand more from our leaders, why would she stop now?

Of course neither Hillary or Bill ever accepted the loss of the Democratic nomination to Obama, not for a millisecond. I suspect they have been busier than ever working the back channels, making midnight deals, pulling in every possible favor, and applying pressure using leverage from very big closets full of very big skeletons. The quintessential experts in party politics and surgical application of grease in exactly the right places, no doubt the two have hatched some interesting plans. Does anyone really believe that the addition of a roll call vote for Hillary is intended to UNITE their party? Really? Have a glass of Kool-Aid.

Given their "take no prisoners", vicious, greedy, and unconscionable track record in the pursuit of power, does anyone believe these two have changed? There are only two outcomes that will satisfy - #1 is for Hillary to get the Democratic nomination, or #2 for the party to become so fractured and to undermine Obama so thoroughly that any hope for an Obama victory in November is demolished. They have already succeeded in bullying their way into what might more properly be called the CLINTON convention rather than the DEMOCRATIC convention.

And then there is Obama. What a pitiful shell of a leader, the ultimate example of all sizzle and NO STEAK. I can't even find the words for how ridiculous the thought of this immature, shallow, inexperienced, spineless facade of a leader sitting in OUR White House is. I have honestly wondered whether we have a real live Manchurian Candidate. He's nothing but a pretty face with great skill reading a teleprompter and a habit of taking family vacations when the kitchen gets too hot (anyone else notice his frequent and conveniently timed vacations this year alone?). If he becomes our next president, it will be time to seriously consider leaving the country and allowing the people who vote for him to enjoy the results of their choice....and their free government issued Kool-Aid.

The fact that either Obama or Hillary are serious contenders for the highest office in our country speaks volumes. As I pondered their suitability to serve as the leaders of the greatest nation in the world, it occured to me that my 20 year old daughter has more brains, integrity, and leadership skills than either one of these contenders. I choose to believe that half of our population is too tired, stressed out, or overworked to THINK and PAY ATTENTION to the facts that are in plain sight of us all. After all, it's much easier to relax and have a glass of Kool-Aid. To believe otherwise would imply that half of our population lacks any sort of moral compass, and either the interest in or capability to understand facts that are readily available, and that's too scary for me.

A Memorable Country Song

2008-01-31T02:09:00.001-05:00

Have a laugh on me!

Perspective

2007-11-22T06:35:00.000-05:00

Losing Your Health Doesn't Mean That

You've Lost Everything ...

by Marc Gellman

‘Best of the Worst’

Reprinted with permission

Sept. 28, 2006 - This week's popular but untrue saying is, “If you have your health, you have everything.” Because if this saying is true, then it also true that if you lose your health, you have nothing. This is not only false, it is spiritually corrosive. Placing upon people the double burden of both their illness and the despairing conclusion that their illness has taken away from them everything important is much more than false. It is deeply cruel.

I know that the saying intends to be positive. It intends to say something like, “We should never want more than just our health because nothing we have is more important.” Of course I agree that we should strive to live healthful lives and avoid the trans-fatty parts of the universe, but health is a fleeting thing, affected by environmental and genetic and even purely random factors. The fixation on health as the only important thing is what is behind this saying, and what is behind the unnecessary and often debilitating despair of sick people.In my life so far, the two people I knew who best refuted the if-you-have-your-health-you-have-everything saying were Henry Viscardi and Pam Rothman, may their memories be blessed.

Born with severely short, twisted legs, rejected by his parents and forced to grow up in a sanatorium, Henry Viscardi was the Martin Luther King Jr. of the disabled. He was a driving force behind the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act and the founder of the Henry Viscardi School for the disabled in Albertson, N.Y. One day when my friend Msgr. Tom Hartman and I were visiting Henry, he said to us, “I never think of the people in this center as disabled. I think of you guys as just temporarily abled.” Henry taught us that day that we are all part of the same continuum of gradually decreasing ableness that moves from the time we are children flying across lawns to the time when we wake up, get out of bed and say, “Oy, that hurts!” Nobody is disabled. We are all just temporarily abled until that day when we are no longer quite so abled.

When Moses broke the tablets bearing the Ten Commandments because of his anger at the people for worshiping the golden calf, God gave him a new unbroken copy, but God also commanded Moses to place all the broken pieces of the first tablets together in the same golden ark of the covenant that held the new unbroken tablets. The broken and the whole were together in the same ark. As it was so it is with us now. Those of us who happen to be disabled and those of us who happen to be temporarily abled are together in the covenant of God's love and must be together in the bonds of love and support we extend to each other. The broken and the whole are together in the same ark.

In the Jewish laws concerning the treatment of dying people, the rabbis taught this same lesson. In Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah, the first line we read is, “A dying person is like a living person in all essential respects.” We are commanded to view dying people the way we would view any other temporarily abled people. They are living and we are living. In that essential respect we are the same. When we coddle them, infantilize them, hide the truth from them or treat them as if they were already dead, we have separated them from the community of people made in the image of God. My father, Sol Gellman, has Alzheimer's disease. My father does not know my name, but when I hugged him and kissed him goodbye on my last visit, he grabbed me and said to me, “I know that I belong to you, and I know that you belong to me.” Even now, in the midst of his deepening fog, my father still knows everything that is important to know.Pam Rothman died of cancer after a long struggle, and although she eventually lost her life, she never lost her smile. One day sitting in her hospital room, Pam said to me, “Rabbi, I can't be the best of the best any longer, but I can still be the best of the worst.” And she was the best of the worst, the very best of the very worst. She helped other cancer patients cling to hope, she held her family together by her embracing love and she read and wrote to the end. In the end Pam was taken, but she was never defeated.

Like Pam, many people find that their greatest artistic, spiritual and personal achievements come after they are sick. The greatest theoretical physicist in the world is Stephen Hawking. He has the motor neuron disease ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease), and he cannot move from his wheelchair. He speaks through a speech synthesizer. He has the best mind trapped in the worst body and this fact has not dimmed but brightened his brilliant light. Christopher Reeve was a good actor and a great Superman but he became a great inspirational force only after his injury. The greatest modern Jewish theologian was Franz Rosenzweig, and though he died in 1929, also from the predations of ALS, his illness did not diminish his brilliant translation of the Bible into German with his friend Martin Buber nor his philosophical masterwork, “The Star of Redemption,” which he wrote by holding a pencil in his mouth and pointing to the keys on the typewriter.Henry and Pam, Stephen and Chris, Franz and Helen Keller, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Soren Kierkegaard, FDR, Beethoven and a thousand brave and wise and creative people whose bodies were broken or who suffered disabilities or ill health have given everything to the world—while millions of people who have their health have given nothing. And how else can we understand God's decision to pick Moses, a disabled man with a cleft palate to be the leader of the Exodus from Egypt? God picks the soul, not the body. Through an endless list of wounded genius we are taught and must finally learn that losing your health does not mean that you have lost your genius or your destiny.Much of my counseling is devoted to helping people cope with newly broken lives. Perhaps their life has been broken by injury or illness or perhaps by the death or illness of someone they loved more than life itself. In all these cases the people who come to see me know that they have lost a substantial part of their physical or mental health, and because they secretly believe this damn saying, they think they have lost everything. My job is to convince them that the saying is wrong. I must try to urge them, cajole them, teach them and remind them that even in their weakened state they still have everything they need to lead a spiritually, morally and even physically happy life. They may not have what they had but they have what they have, and as long as they are still alive, what they have is enough. They may not be able to do what they once did. They may have to adjust the expectations of their life, but they do not have to surrender their life or their hope or their resolve to be the best they can be with what they have left. This is not a counsel of despair and resignation. It is a counsel of hope and faith.

The reason health is not everything is your health is about you, and EVERYTHING REALLY IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT OTHERS:

serving others, loving others and teaching others reveals our true purpose and ultimate destiny. The rabbis wrote, “Give me community or give me death.” Losing your health is a terrible thing but losing a community of love and purpose is fatal. Our only chance to find everything is to get out of ourselves.So I wish you a year of health, and I wish you a year of knowing that having your health is not even close to having everything .

Now to Him who is able to keep you from falling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. Jude 1:24-25

Back Home

2007-11-07T17:20:00.000-05:00

When I looked at my blog today and saw the last post was on September 26, I became aware of how these last weeks have slipped so quickly by - life can be like that sometimes. I have been very ill (yes even more "ill" than normal!). I've survived 2 bouts of Septic Shock, each one requiring a tour of duty in ICU. The source, I'm told is Urinary Sepsis, but honestly I don't know how the doctors can be certain that the infection started there. The infection got into my bloodstream and spread to all of my organs. That's what they call 'septic shock'. There is a blood test for Lactic Acid that the doctors check if you are in sepsis. Normal is below 1, and mine was 3.6 at the highest. The doctor said that I have a strain of e Coli. I've heard that Apples and undercooked beef are prime sources for e Coli, and I've been eating a lot of apples lately, so I wonder if that is where it came from. Personally, I think I ingested an amount that a healthy person would be able to tolerate, but which I, in my immune suppressed state could not. I hope and pray that it is under control now and am so happy to be home with my family. I still feel very weak, dizzy, and I have pain, but it's getting a little better day by day.

During my first hospital stay, I was feeling much better on my last day and started watching the Home Shopping Network (DANGER!). Since I have my Visa card number (MORE DANGER!), I hopped onto the phone and started buying "things" I just "couldn't do without". It's a dangerous thing for me to be feeling better, but still under the influence of Dialudid, and all alone in a hospital room. Most of the things I bought are very nice and useful. One of my more questionable purchases was a 2 1/2 foot tall fountain featuring a fairy with butterfly wings and lots of tiffany style glass work and a tiffany lamp that shines down on it all. I love fountains, and also I had this idea that my kitty would find it and drink from the fresh, flowing water. However, when I tried to introduce her to her little oasis, she went ballistic and clawed her way up and over me as fast as she could go. Acting out the very definition of insanity, I actually tried this a second time, with exactly the same results. I think it was the sound of running water that scared her - she thought she was about to get a bath. Hmmmm..... it's like my daughter said, "I don't really think it's something we NEEDED", when I asked her what she thought of it. She was trying so hard to be polite and not burst my bubble. Oh well, it's here now and not going back - it'll be a good conversation piece, as it sits in our dining room faithfully pouring forth it's water over the years. It's definitely unique, and our guests aren't likely to have seen one anywhere else....

In between the two bouts with sepsis, I have vague recollections of receiving a lot of packages in the mail (from my shopping spree), talking to Bucky and Ruth one day, trying out my new steam mop (yes, another HSN purchase), working on paperwork for my Disability Insurer, a few doctor visits, Amanda getting sick, and me just generally feeling cruddy and trying to make it through the days one at a time. Then came the second round of Sepsis and the whirlwind of all of that. It feels like you get sucked into some ailment, then into the hospital, and everything is a blur and then you are plopped out on the sidewalk and sent home. There is so much I miss or forget, so many loose ends. I know it's frustrating for my family to have to tell me the same things over and over, and I pray for their patience and understanding - I really am trying to do my best, it's just soooo hard.

I was shocked to realize that Summer had completely given way to Autumn during my illness. There is so much I missed, not the least of which is helping my son with his schoolwork and spending time with my daughter. We had planned to spend the whole day Friday Nov 2 together, but I ended up in the hospital. I also blitzed right through my husbands BIG 60th birthday, although I was relieved that I had been able to obtain a special gift for him months before.

Another thing I lost track of is the mountain of documents that have to be provided to my Disability Insurer by Monday, Nov. 12. Michael requested all of the documents for the past year and they were all stacked up here waiting for me to do something with them. Mom took them to Kinko's today to get them all copied. It will cost around $60 for the copies, plus we've already spent almost $300 on the documents themselves. Then I'll have to overnight them to Liberty Mutual since we're almost upon the deadline now. I'm sure that won't be cheap since the documents weigh over 7 pounds (and this is only partial records for the last 12 months!). Anyway, it's almost done now and I won't have it hanging over my head (until the next go-round!). It does make my head hurt sometimes, just trying to stay afloat in the mounds of paperwork, Medicare "stuff", medical bills, pharmacy bills, etc. I just have to take it a day at a time and do what I'm able to do for each day.

I miss swimming too. I haven't been in nearly 2 months, and it's the only physical outlet my joints will tolerate. I'm hoping to get back over the weekend or early next week. When I make it to the pool I'll know for sure that I'm on the up side of this ordeal. I can't wait!

I have no travel plans for the fall, but most of my family will travel to the "home place" in Louisiana for Thanksgiving. This includes my 20 year old daughter and her boyfriend. It's his first trip over, and a traditional rite of passage for anyone that is seriously dating a member of the family. It's quite a change from life around metro Atlanta, and there have been some that just couldn't deal with the shock of it all. I don't believe this is the case with her boyfriend; they have a very stable relationship and he seems to simply adore her. No matter what a shock the backwoods of Louisiana are to him, I think he'll do whatever it takes to adjust. I really wish I could be there. I know it will be a memorable trip, full of fun and lots of stories to share afterwards. I wish could join them, but simply must sit out this time around. I have been blessed to visit twice this year, and that will likely be the best I can do.

It's great to be home and back among "the living".

A Prayer for Today

2007-09-26T07:21:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

Thank you for another day of life. Thank you for allowing me to wake up in my home with my family all around me. Thank you for your Word and for your faithful servants that come to my home every week to study your Word with me.

I trust in you for all things and all situations. When I look at my "to do" list with my human eyes, I am overwhelmed. When I close my eyes and pray for your guidance - for you to show me the next right thing to do - just ONE thing at a time, I feel peace. Thank you for this wonderful gift. When the whole world seems like it is closing in around me, I turn to you. I visualize myself resting in your arms and sincerely pray for your guidance and protection. You never fail me. You are truly an awesome God. Thank you for your care. Thank you for helping me keep it simple, taking life one very small step at a time.

Father, please forgive me for my many sins. I know that if I stop and ask and listen to you, you will be faithful and always guide me in the right direction. Please forgive me for not asking you and for taking my own way, and for the many sins and hurts that result.

Father, I pray special blessings today for those that are near and dear to my heart. I pray that you would surround them with your angels of protection and that you would send your Holy Spirit to speak to their hearts, gently guiding them in the right direction in every step they take. I thank you for the ministering of the Holy Spirit to my heart; I am so grateful to have "ears to hear" when you speak to my heart.

Thank you for another day of life. Please help me to use every minute of it for your glory.

In Jesus Christ's holy name I pray, Amen.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

2007-09-14T04:05:00.000-05:00

OLD VERSION

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

****************************************************************************

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the
grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair
share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel
of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of
single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens
to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't
maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote!

Blessed

2007-08-20T03:31:00.000-05:00

I am truly blessed. God showers me with blessings every day and I am surrounded by his love demonstrated daily by my family and Christian friends, and even by strangers I meet along the way.

Two weeks ago, Amanda and I went to the mall. These days, I get to the mall perhaps 3 times a year because I can't walk long enough to go on a "normal" shopping trip. In order to go mall, I check out a complimentary wheelchair at Customer Service, and my companion pushes me around. This is one of those things that used to embarrass me so much that I just didn't go to the mall at all. I've learned not to be embarrassed about it. I'm grateful for the availability of the chairs, and everyone that has taken me has been very gracious about pushing me around and seems to genuinely enjoy helping me. No one has ever complained, though I know the chair gets hard to push when we go into carpeted stores.

Well, back to my story. Amanda got a job as a hostess at Smokejack, a local "upscale" BBQ restaurant. They told her to dress "nicely", and that no jeans were allowed for hostesses. While the other staff often dress much more casually, the host/hostess is expected to dress a little better, as they are in most restaurants. You'd have to know Amanda to know that her closet was simply not "hostess ready". She needed a few items to mix and match so that she could dress properly for her new job.

So we went to the mall together, Amanda pushing me in the wheelchair while we shopped. We went to Ann Taylor first, and lucked out right away, finding a perfect skirt and awesome top style that she liked so much, she got two of them (in different colors). We then went all over the mall, but didn't find anythng else.

At the very end of our shopping trip, we neared the exit where the Sharper Image store is located. I asked to go into Sharper Image, because I really like their "gadgets". We went in and Amanda patiently maneuvered me around the store, taking me to each niche and corner that caught my eye. Right in the middle of the store, there were these very luxurious all-leather massage chairs. The chairs somewhat resemble recliners, but are not fashionable enough to put in a living room or den - you can tell by looking at them that they are designed first for function, and second for looks.

I sat in a black leather massage chair that had full head to toe coverage. The massage in that chair was - well unbelievable. I've been to MANY spas and paid for MANY massages, and the quality of the massage in this chair equaled any massage I've ever received. It was truly wonderful, and I thought that it would be great especially when I'm having "bad days" with my joints and muscles.

Somehow I knew right then and there that I was going to get this chair. How? I didn't know. The price was $4,000.00 - yes you read it right and I didn't mis-type - it was $4,000.00! The price was really irrelevant, however, because I had an assurance so strongly in my heart - the Holy Spirit was telling me the chair would be mine. It was as if the Father was saying "I know what you need, and I will provide it." Days went by and I shared my "chair" experience with friends and family, each time stating confidently that I knew the chair would be provided for me. I didn't know how, but I knew it would be.

Then came last Saturday (Aug 18). Amazingly, the chair was marked down to 1/2 price because a new model was coming in. On that very same day, the chair was purchased FOR ME. I was given the reciept, and the store is calling me today (Aug 20) to arrange a delivery time. I am blessed; truely blessed. God knows my every need, wish, and desire, and he provides without fail.

There aren't too many people that would go out and buy a $2,00.00 chair to give to another person who is not even a relative, and I am 100% certain that the person(s) that bought it for me was simply being obedient to the Holy Spirit - this person was obedient to God and spent their hard-earned money on what can only be described as an exquisite gift JUST FOR ME. I feel so blessed and grateful. I know the chair will help me so much when I'm in pain, and may even help me to take less pain medication! It will also help Michael with his constant struggle with back pain.

God is good, all the time.

P.S. I think my bedroom will become very popular soon! Please stop by and enjoy a massage in my new chair, and I'll throw in a Spa foot treatment - Guaranteed to please!

A Tale of Kitties

2007-08-12T19:58:00.000-05:00

We've had a sad run of luck with our kitty cats lately. It's so strange, because Amanda had Domino until she passed quietly in her sleep at the healthy age of 16 1/2 (very old for a cat - average lifespan for an outdoor cat is 8 years, for an indoor cat is 12-15 years). We rescued Domino from a family that was moving into dorms that didn't allow pets. If we hadn't taken her in, she was going to the pound the next day. Instead, she came and lived with us for 13 1/2 years and was well loved and cared for. She started out as an outdoor cat, but as she aged she gradually became an indoor cat for her own safety and well being. My sister in law, Michelle, was calling everyone she knew to find a home for Domino, and it was perfect timing for us. We had recently moved from an apartment (not cat friendly) to a house with a huge yard, and Amanda really wanted a cat.

Then came the string of bad luck. First there was Felix. We came home from a trip and a carpenter who had been working in our house introduced us to a new family member that had taken up residence. This kitty was a boy, and only a few months old - but old enough to survive without his mother. Somehow we became aware that the kitty in fact had a home, and that he had a litter of brothers and sisters, and that his name was Joey. So we contacted "Miss Angel" who lives in the next neighborhood over and reluctantly returned Joey to her. We had already fallen in love with him - he had such a great personality and exuded health.

"Miss Angel" was so happy to have him back that she gave Will a reward of $10 - BIG BUCKS for a 7 year old. She also let us have the pick of the rest of the litter. Joey's brother, Felix, was the obvious choice. Full of health and personality, we warmed up to each other right away. So Felix came to live with us. Felix was a beautiful dark gray tabby that had a loud purr and seemed to say "Roy" frequently. He was very opinionated, confident, and totally independent.

Felix quickly grew to his full size - which was considerable. He was a true TOM CAT. Big, strong, independent, and prone to wandering the neighborhood in search for conquests (both female felines and small birds, chipmunks, etc.). Hoping to tame him a bit and keep him from wandering into harm, we had him neutered. Neutering had absolutely zero effect on Felix. He continued to wander, and his trips lasted longer and longer until one day he didn't return.

We put up signs all around, drove around looking, and even visited "Miss Angel". Strangely enough, Joey and Felix left for good the same week. Afterwards, there were a few possible sightings at a distance, but nothing to be sure of. I choose to believe the two brothers are off living a great Tom Cat life with lots of conquests and lively memories in the making.

When we finally gave up on the return of Felix, we took a trip to the Atlanta Humane Society. Will picked out a sad little Grey tabby named 'Rufus'. Something was wrong with one of his eyes; it was milky and he couldn't see properly out of it, but Will fell in love with him, so we brought Rufus home. We took him to the vet for the obligatory neutering required by the pound, all the necessary shots, etc. and began our life together.

One day something frightened Rufus and he climbed the TALLEST tree in our yard, which was bare due to Winter, and then couldn't get himself down. We got the longest ladders we could find and tried coaxing him with the smelliest fish we could find. Nothing worked. Up in the top of that cold, barren tree he stayed, night and day for 3 full days- BRRRR!! One day when Nana was over we were looking up and calling to him and he decided to relieve himself at that precise moment. A vigorous stream was emitted for what seemed like several minutes, and we were grateful that we weren't atop the ladder in the cold, shivering with a bowl of stinky fish in one hand and hanging onto the freezing ladder with the other (Amanda says things like that always happen when Nana is around). On the forth day we gave up and started calling professionals. There aren't that many "professional cat removers" in the yellow pages, but we found a professional tree climber who charged us $400.00 to scale the tree and retrieve Rufus. After that, I never saw him climb another tree.

Rufus came to an early, abrupt, and sad end, however. He was an "in and out" cat, so it wasn't unusual for him to sleep outdoors when the weather was warm. One time he stayed gone for 3 days. I knew something was wrong; he never stayed gone that long. Will went out in the back yard to feed the dogs and came back in yelling "Mom! It's Rufus", and he was crying. I rushed out back and found Rufus's poor lifeless body being tossed around by the dogs like a rag doll. We never determined exactly what happened; whether he met an unfortunate end prior to being found by the dogs or whether the dogs had, in fact contributed to his demise. I lifted his lifeless body and put it outside the fence in preparation for burial so the dogs could no longer play with it. When Michael came home, he buried Rufus at the base of the big tree that he had inhabited just a few months prior.

Will was heartbroken, but went on the lookout right away for a new cat. He found a "free kitten" ad for a Calico and called the man that had listed it (All this at age 8 without me even knowing about it!) Apparently, a young calico passed by this man's yard every evening and he had been feeding her dinner. This had gone on for several weeks, and the man was going to take her to the pound the next day if no home could be found. I told him we would take her in (I am partial to Calicos), and the man agreed to restrain her when she came by for her dinner that night. So after a full day of work, Michael (the dog lover) drove over an hour each way across town in the cold and pouring rain to pick up this little wandering calico. When he got her home, we realized she was really a Tortie, not a Calico. She was very dark and mysterious looking with piercing green eyes. She had obviously lived "in the wild" of suburban Atlanta and was very skittish. For weeks, you would enter our home and never know we had a second cat - she stayed hidden away and only rarely would we catch a glimpse of her - a quick dark blur running from one hiding place to another. For his own reasons, Will named her 'Muffin'.

Gradually, by spending A LOT of time with her, Muffin came out of her shell. As she did, we began to realize that we had gotten more than we bargained for when we adopted her. Muffin was PREGNANT and getting more pudgy by the day. We had no idea how far along she was, but as we sat at the year end program at Mill Springs Academy, Amanda leaned over and said - "Muffin's having her babies in my closet". Now how did she know that? When we got back home, we all went up to Amanda's room and BINGO - there was Muffin in the corner of Amanda's closet, partway through giving birth to a litter of 7 kittens.

Muffin's litter - May 2005

All of this when we still had carpet on the floors! What a mess! (We have since replaced the carpet with hard floors). When she was between kittens, I gently moved her and her litter into a large plastic bin that we had been preparing to be a kitty incubator. Will and I rolled the bin into my room and stayed up past midnight (on a school night!) until all of Muffin's babies were born. I kept feeling her abdomen to see if more kitties were on the way, and we were both exhausted when I finally pronounced "No More!".

As nature goes, some of Muffins' babies survived and some didn't. From the outset, Will begged to keep "just one", PLEASE. When the kittens were old enough to separate from mom, we began finding homes for them. By that time, Will was particularly attached to a male orange medium long haired tabby, and had already named him Garfield. What's a mom to do? I let him keep Garfield. So we were a 3-cat family: Domino, Muffin, and Garfield. Domino remained, and always was, Amanda's cat. Muffin was "sort of" my cat, and Garfield was Will's cat. Surprisingly, they all cohabitated without incident. Basically, Muffin and Garfield hung out together and Domino ignored them both.

Domino had been an "in and out" cat when she was younger, and we had never had a problem, so we allowed Muffin and Garfield to be "in and out" cats too. Then came the night that Muffin didn't come in. I knew in my heart something bad had happened because she ALWAYS came in and slept in the room with me. Anytime I awoke in the night I would look around and she would be sitting there watching over me. As hours turned to days, dread built in my heart until Michael came in from the back yard with grim news. Another tragedy - it began to look like the dogs were the culprits. But why in the world would a cat go back there? And cats usually win when sparring with a dog because they can climb trees and are so dexterous with their claws. I collapsed on the stairs and broke into sobs. Big, hard, inconsolable sobs. My sweet little Muffin, rescued from the streets and turned into a friend with tons of time and patience - was gone.

Michael buried her under the "Cat Tree" alongside Rufus. We never told Will - I couldn't bring myself to do it. He thinks she has wandered to a new home, and I guess in a way she has.

This left us with Domino and Garfield. With his mother gone, Garfield seemed lost and needy. I couldn't help bonding with him. We gradually developed a routine and seemed to have a unique way of communicating with each other. Meanwhile, Domino was getting on in age and more feeble every day. We tried to keep her comfortable and excused her occasional mishaps - she had been a good and loyal friend for so many years and you don't just walk away from a friend because they are old and feeble and can't make it to the bathroom in time. Finally, in the Summer of 2006, Domino passed away quietly on my bed while I held her. She didn't seem to suffer at all. She took her place next to Muffin and Rufus under the "Cat Tree".

Our Beloved Domino - 12/1990 - 7/2006

That left us a one cat family - Garfield got all of our love and attention and warmed even my dog-loving husband's heart with his unusually tender and "non-cat" ways. Unfortunately, Garfield LOVED to go outside, and would leap at any open door or window to get there. Once outside, he would run around in the front yard, but wouldn't come in or allow himself to be caught until he was completely exhausted and hungry. It always upset me when he got out, because of the fate suffered by Rufus and Muffin. A couple of months ago, he escaped through the front door and has never come back home. He played in our front yard for a couple of days, then just disappeared. I grieved, I cried, and I am still heartbroken. We put up pictures, fliers, and went all over our area of town calling for him and looking for him, smelly Vienna sausages in hand. A couple of people called us and believed they had seen him, but by the time we got there he was gone. That makes me hopeful that he has been taken in by some one and hasn't met with any harm. I choose to believe that. Garfield was the most loyal, gentle, loving cat I've ever had the privilege of knowing.

Now we have been a family with NO CATS for the last 6-8 weeks. That all changed today. We took a trip back to the pound with the intention of selecting a Female Kitten. Female so there would be no spraying and perhaps less tendency to wander. Kitten so we could bring her up "our way". We got there and the most striking long haired Calico/Tortie looked up at me with big golden eyes and I was hooked. Her name is Hazel, though we plan to change it once we live with her a bit and figure out her personality. We took Hazel into a private "petting room" where Will, Michael, and I were able to spend some time with her. She settled down quickly and started nuzzling against us. She clearly had been loved and not abused. The owner had surrendered her to the pound due to allergies. Although she's not a kitten (she's 4 years old), we still bonded and were happy to bring her home. After the requisite paperwork, payment, interview, collaring, and crating, we headed out. Just before reaching the front door of the Atlanta Humane Society, the crate door fell off and Hazel lept towards the open front door. I made a lunge for her and landed flat on my face but with enough of her in my stretched out hands to restrain her from flight. What a sight that must have been, me and the cat all over the floor with my oxygen tank gone flying. Will got Hazel and Michael helped me to my feet.

That was when we decided to purchase a $5.00 cardboard cat crate, put Hazel in it, and try our exit again. This time we made it to the van, and subsequently back home without incident. Hazel is mostly hiding, with an occasional dart from one place to another. She has been introduced to her facilities, and has returned to them several times, so it seems things are progressing well. I'm not thrilled at her escape attempt at the pound; I fear it's an indicator that she'll try to get outside. I can only hope and pray that she won't. She is already spayed, shots up to date, and she has a microchip locater already implanted.

As a condition of adoption, Will promised to participate in weekly baths, which may not be Hazel's cup of tea (another reason we had planned to get a kitten). That's the best way to keep fleas and loose hair away. Hopefully she'll adjust to the baths with time.

Although I never had a cat as a child, I've always been a cat person at heart. One of the first things I did when I left home was to adopt a cat - my very first one after all those years of waiting! I admit I'm a hopeless cat lover; I'll always have one in my house.

Now I think I'll go take some pain meds (the fall did a number on my joints) and try to find Hazel and enjoy some quality mommy/kitty time.

The Experts Say....

2007-07-25T23:40:00.000-05:00

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom." - Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers " -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper," -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take t he leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make," -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies (Debbie's Deelites)

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out," -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," -- Lord Kelvin, president, Britain's Royal Society, 1895.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented," -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -- Professor of Electrica l Engi neering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." -- Watson of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

And last but not least.

"We'll take no prisoners!"

George Armstrong Custer - On the Little Big Horn---1876.

Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL.com.

Living High on the Hog

2007-07-23T03:34:00.000-05:00

It's the dead center of another hot Summer in the deep South. In my younger days, I anticipated Summer eagerly and thrived on days at the pool or the occasional treat - a trip to the beach. Church retreats and camps were also highlights, and of course, NO SCHOOL was pretty cool. Summer was my favorite time of year. Now it's different - Summer presents it's own challenges that I never had to back in those days. Like they say - 'Growing older isn't for sissies'. Some one said that, and it gets repeated, but I don't know who to credit it to.

So, how is it that I'm living "High on the Hog" in this uncomfortable weather? One simple answer - my Father's garden.

My dad has had the most beautiful and productive vegetable garden every Summer for my whole life. We moved around a bit when I was a child, and when we were in house-searching mode, there was one requirement that was never negotiable - the yard had to be suitable to sustain a garden. Whether renting or buying, living in "small town" South, or in "big city" suburbs, garden space was a must.

He works it day after day, putting sweat equity into every seed, plant, bloom, and ripened vegetable. Mom has always been there too, helping weed, pick, shuck, shell, or can - whatever is called for, she rises to the task to ensure Dad's scrumptious bounty is properly attended to.

I admit I have been spoiled. I won't even serve tomatoes that aren't "real". My definition of "real" is that the tomato came from my Dad's garden. We are enjoying the bounty every day. There is just no comparison between the "things" they call tomatoes at the grocery store and my Dad's REAL tomatoes.

Then there is the fresh yellow squash, butter beans, broccoli, string beans, corn, sweet peppers, okra, crowder peas, potatoes, and at other times of the year - turnip greens. I could eat my weight (which is pretty considerable right now) in these gems from Dad's garden. Every time I see my parents, they have a bag or two of fresh vegetables from the garden to give me. We savor every bite.

For me, I think there is as much psychology involved as there is pure joy in the consumption of Dad's Summer treats. Every time I prepare and serve his harvest, I am reliving the feelings of my childhood when my Mom served up Dad's veggies at mealtime. Preparing, serving, and eating them gives me that warm, secure feeling from childhood that comes from knowing your parents love, care, and watch over you - AND feed you home grown goodness day after day.

So for me, indulging day after day in Dad's home grown goodness is truly living HIGH ON THE HOG, and is a genuine joy of life that can't be matched.

No Hogs were harmed in the production of this blog.

Deja Vu

2007-06-05T04:28:00.000-05:00

Last Spring was a tale of Emergency Room sagas; I think everyone in our family except for Michael went at least once, some of us twice. I'm sure we made some one's Jaguar payment - maybe even two. This year I carried on the tradition all by myself.

I had this strange pain in my right leg for a couple of months, so finally went to N.Fulton and had it checked out (I was fearful of a blood clot). After an EXTREMELY painful exam, they concluded there was no clot and sent me home.

Less than 1 week later, on the day of Will's confirmation, I awoke with a strange chest pain that went all the way around my chest, like a large rubber band being pulled tighter and tighter. I was also nauseous, so reluctantly I stayed home and missed his confirmation. When Michael got back home, he took me to the ER at Crawford, and they said I had a "mild" heart attack, because some enzymes were elevated. (Later, the Cardiologist decided it wasn't really a heart attack). During the exam, I mentioned my right leg pain. They checked and found not one, but TWO blood clots. They put me on Lovanox shots 2x a day and Coumidin. The Lovanox was truely a pain. My insurance company took forever to approve it, and it left ghastly bruises all over my arms, legs, and tummy. The Coumidin is no big deal, except I have to go every week to get my blood checked. Then they adjust the Coumidin dosage according to how my blood test comes out. Dr. says I'll be on Coumidin for approx. 6 months.

Now, it's nearly time for our long awaited trip to Louisiana, and my heart Dr. hasn't released me to go. I went to the clinic yesterday and had my blood taken for the Coumidin test, and the nurse is supposed to call me today with the results and with the Dr.'s green light (I'm hoping!) to go on the trip.

During all of this, I was tagged with new labels, "Pulmonary Hypertension" and "Congestive Heart Failure". The second one is kind of weird, because it sounds so scary, and (to me) it seems that if you have "Heart Failure", you would be dead. Well, I'm not dead, but I am told I have "Heart Failure". Hmmm. I suggested to the nurse that they should call it something less ominous.

Anyway, this Spring I was in the ER or Inpatient 4 x so I guess we've made our Jaguar payment for the year. Maybe we're done for awhile - I can always hope. Wonder if we'll ever get the car that goes along with all these payments?

Never Forget

2007-05-11T22:42:00.000-05:00

Last week, the United Kingdom removed The Holocaust from its school curriculum because it "offended" some members of the Muslem population who claim it never occurred.

This is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world and how easily each country is giving into it.

It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended.

This post is my small contribution to the memory of the six million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated with the world looking the other way!

Now, more than ever, with Iran , among others, claiming the Holocaust to be "a myth," it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets.

Virtual Pity Parties

2007-04-24T10:46:00.000-05:00

My last post ended up in one great big pity party - thrown just for me and by me. I've given myself permission to have virtual pity parties on my blog. I don't write here for the approval of anyone, it's just MY place. If some one reading my blog doesn't like it, they are free to NOT read my blog. I've found that virtual pity parties are so much better than real live ones because there is no "collateral damage". The people I love and that I am close to don't get hit with my outbursts, as well they shouldn't. I get to vent and whine and get it all out of my system and it helps me move on. I wish all my pity parties were virtual - that's a good goal, I think I'll aspire to it.

The Brown-Eyed Girl

2007-03-23T16:06:00.000-05:00

Mama, "Why is she BROKEN?", the girl asked, tugging on her mama's sleeve. Both of her georgous big brown eyes were intently staring at me, one arm firmly attached to mom, and the other elbow deep down the back of her pants as she scratched at some hidden irritant.

Mama was busy - too busy to answer her, too busy to even slow the frantic pace at which she pressed the clerk to continue calling all the stores for a specific garment in a specific size, just right for her. The Brown Eyed Girl scratched and stared, repeating her query to Mama at ever smaller intervals, in an ever louder voice. Mama, in her stylish clothes, fit body, and what could only be described as "shopping ferver", never missed a beat. Her efforts to find her "Perfect Blouse" were equal in intensity to her daughter's efforts to find out why the strange looking lady was "broken".

Could I feel the heat from his embarrased, red face from behind me, or was that just my imagination? I sat there in the borrowed mall wheelchair, breathing through an oxygen canula, my lap piled high with new clothes for Will, pretending not to notice that I was being stared at like some freak at a side show.

Will, who had waited patiently for weeks for me to have a "good day" so we could go to the mall. Will, who at the age of 12 has to push his mom around in a wheelchair if he wants to go to the mall. He had been so tireless, so respectful and kind during the whole shopping trip. Maybe his embarrasement was just my imagination, maybe he wasn't even paying any attention to the Brown Eyed Girl. But on the other hand, maybe he was.

After what seemed like forever, I leaned around and suggested to Will that we go to a different checkout counter. He didn't say a word, just started pushing me and we went on our way. His silence confirmed my fear, for you see, Will is never "silent". We escaped the gawking stare of the scratching, tugging, questioning Brown Eyed Girl.

But the words echo still, "Mama why is she BROKEN?"

Mama
Why
Is
She
BROKEN?

*B*R*O*K*E*N*

Mama

Why

Am

I

Broken?

GOD WHY AM I BROKEN?

WHY CAN'T I GET WELL OR DIE AND END THE PAIN? WHY THE BROKENESS? WHY THE MIDDLE GROUND? THE SUB-EXISTENCE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH IS NO EXISTANCE AT ALL; DYING MORE EVERY DAY, BIT BY BIT, ONE NEW DIAGNOSIS AFTER ANOTHER IN A CASCADE OF PROCEDURES, CODES, DRUGS, DOCTORS, AND HOSPITALS. TRYING TO MAINTAIN SOME TYPE OF DIGNITY AND POSITIVE OUTLOOK THROUGH IT ALL - FOR THE SAKE OF MY CHILDREN. I ADMIT THAT SOMEHOW, IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, I ALWAYS THOUGHT SLOW WASTING AWAY WAS A TORTURE UNIQUELY RESERVED FOR THE "WICKED". THAT MY LOVING GOD WOULD BLESS HIS BELIVERS WITH QUICK AND PAINLESS TRANSITIONS OUT OF THIS WORLD. I KNOW THAT WAS JUST A FANTASY, A WISH THAT I THOUGHT WOULD COME TRUE IF I HELD ONTO IT LONG ENOUGH. NOW IT HAS COME TO THIS. A WRETCHED, CRUEL EXISTANCE THAT REVOLVES AROUND PILL SCHEDULES, INJECTION SCHEDULES, TOO MUCH SLEEPING, AND A CONSTANT TETHER TO AN OXYGEN MACHINE. IS THIS MY REWARD FOR LOVING YOU? FOR WORSHIPING YOU? FOR TEACHING MY CHILDREN TO LOVE YOU? FOR BEING FAITHFUL? MAYBE IT'S TRUE THAT YOU AREN'T EVEN AWARE OF ME - ME PERSONALLY. IT'S EASIER TO BELIEVE THAT THAN TO BELIEVE YOU ARE ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN. I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY, THAT YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON, THAT YOU SEE MY BODY WASTING AWAY AND THE PAIN IT IS CAUSING EVERYONE. I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD LET THAT HAPPEN. NOT TO ME, AND NOT TO AUNT MARY, AND NOT TO OLAN, NOT TO DICK. I HAVE TRIED FOR SO LONG TO HOLD ON, TO BELIEVE, TO FIND SOMETHING GOOD IN EVERY SITUATION, BUT I AM SO TIRED, SO VERY TIRED.

WHY AM I BROKEN?
WHY IS SHE BROKEN?
WHY WERE THEY BROKEN?
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Yes, it's true I am broken. Broken from the inside out, thoroughly broken in spirit and flesh. But my broken heart aches the most of all.

Tapestry

2007-02-26T20:46:00.000-05:00

A slight flaw, perhaps a tiny frayed thread, hardly noticeable.
It appears then disappears unobserved
- the tapestry is strong enough to heal itself.
It overcomes without so much as a whimper or sigh.
Life goes on, not a beat missed, the infirmity instantly forgotten
- erased as quickly as it came from the collective memory.

More and more come and go just as quietly, just as quickly, yet over time, inch by inch, thread by thread, the fabric is weakened.
Still subtle, only noticeable by the fibers themselves, scurrying to heal and keep up "the pace" of life, hoping to keep their weakness concealed.
After all, weakness is 'bad', and slowing down is for 'losers'.
Above all, they must band together to protect the image - keeping up appearances is so important.

From a distance, the tapestry looks new, flawless.
Shimmery in all the right spots, boasting dramatic scenes and intense colors.
"Most people" don't look any closer.
They don't notice the secret scars lurking here or there, next to the print of a gilded leaf or a lofty branch
- the surrepticiously mended spots, tended in secret by the fibers themselves, always scurrying about to hold it all together, lest anyone notice, lest they fall behind in the race, lest they show signs of weakness.

"Most People" are just too busy to notice.
And that suits "everyone" just fine.

After years or decades of hiding, the strain becomes to great, the burden of disguise to heavy, and a threadbare section is revealed.
Aghast, "everyone" takes in a shocked breath and stares at the gaping hole, knowing the truth deep inside, but never daring to speak it
- the truth that with no threads left, there is no way to heal.
No way out, no inner strength, no way to mend.

Having witnessed the pattern before, "they" all induldge their own favorite flavor of denial.
For the truth is that the future holds only more bare spots, threadless, gaping, ghastly holes where there was once a lovely tapestry.
They will keep coming, one upon the other, ever more quickly as time goes on.
The fissures will grow, new ones will appear.
Desperate attempts to patch things up with all manner of devices - needles, looms, and exotic skeins give glimmers of hope, but never the permanency of healing.

Because the secret lies within.
The tapestry must have enough strength within itself to heal.

Would things have been different if better care had been taken in earlier days?
If those subtle tears and signals had been listened too more carefully?
If the tapestry had been cared for with more tenderness, more love even?
Or perhaps, was there a fatal, insidious, invisible flaw right from the beginning that would inevitably reveal itself and its' ruinious intent?

Is there enough strength within for healing, or has it been squandered away in the great competition?

Look inside, then.
See what's left.

Procedures

2007-02-09T21:32:00.000-05:00

They call them 'procedures' or 'outpatient surgery'. They talk in silky, smooth words that slip off their tongues like butter and drip with confidence. 'I've done this 300 times and never had a problem', 'My patients all say it was so easy and painless'. There must be a class in medical school where they learn how to do this. How to talk patients into signing up for procedures that they would never subject themselves to if they knew the TRUTH.

I don't do well with 'procedures', or the 'Versed thing'. I am wide awake and alert and concious and REMEMBER everything. A very good doctor at Piedmont Hospital discovered this in 1994. She immediately stopped the 'procedure', and called in Anesthesia to sedate me. Now, in 2007 I've had numerous other 'procedures' at Piedmont. Before each one, I tell the doc. that the 'Versed thing' doesn't work for me. They pull my chart and see what has worked before, and they call in the Anesthesiologist. It works great that way.

Crawford Long is different. One year ago, while hospitalized, I required a 'procedure'. It was one that I was very familiar with - I'd had it at Piedmont many times. When I asked about sedation, they said they would be using Versed. I explained that Versed does not work for me and refused the procedure. Then they kept sending in nurses, assistants, and finally the doctor (Dr. Fox - that should have tipped me off), all trying to convince me that Versed would work this time. We even agreed on a hand signal I could use in case I was awake when I was not supposed to be - a signal the doctor promised he would watch for and STOP the procedure if he saw it. I was hoodwinked.

In the procedure room, I was wide awake. The doctor started shoving the apparatus down my throat. I started gagging and gave the hand signal. He ignored me and kept pushing the thing down my throat. Then I started clawing and grabbing at him and the machinery. He just pushed harder. I was gagging and crying and clawing and fighting him the whole time. HE LIED TO ME. He ignored me and just crammed the equipment down and some one (I couldn't see) kept grabbing my arms to restrain me. I felt like a rape victim.

Soon I was left alone in the room sobbing. I never saw the doctor again. He didn't check on me, tell me the results, or (God forbid) apologize for ASSAULTING me. I took pictures of the bruises they made on my arms from the struggle, and have thought from time to time about legal action. The simple truth is I don't have the strength or energy for legal action. But, if there was anything I could do to prevent others from this experience, I would do it.

Now it's time for another procedure. They want to poke around in my heart and lungs and measure the pressures in there. A Cardiologist from Crawford Long called me to explain the procedure. When I asked about sedation, he said 'THERE WILL BE NO SEDATION'. So I refused the procedure. I think he was so arrogant that he couldn't believe I would do that. But I did. I've had it with arrogant doctors who just want to meet their numbers, make their money, and refuse to treat each patient as a real PERSON, who just might know more about their body and their reaction to 'procedures' and drugs than the pompus doctors do. I find it absolutely appalling that a doctor would allow a patient to delay a needed procedure, just because they won't do it THE DOCTOR'S WAY. So basically this doctor is saying his ego is more important than my health. I think I'm the lucky one because that's not the kind of doctor I need.

Meanwhile, my PCP is getting me scheduled to see a Cardiologist at Piedmont. Maybe I'll just go back to Piedmont for all of my care, since they have a good track record for treating me in a HUMANE manner and modifying the 'standard procedure' as necessary for me, a very NON-STANDARD patient.

Doing the Right Thing

2007-01-28T03:18:00.000-05:00

Wills' first "teenage" weekend retreat was scheduled for last weekend. It was with his youth group at Alpharetta First United Methodist, and was held at the Athens Y camp in Toccoa, GA. He was so excited all week as the departure date approached. Michael and I practically had to force him to pack long sleeves, warm clothes, and his new winter coat - also some gloves and a knit cap. We tried to explain that not only is the camp 2 hours further north, but is at a much higher elevation. We finally won out, and he ended up with appropriate layers of clothing in his bag. Now whether he wore them, I have no idea!

We had at least 4 flyers with the detailed itinerary, a packing list, a "what NOT to bring list", etc. The itinerary said that check-in and registration started at 8 PM Friday night. Since there was no other earlier time mentioned in any of the paperwork, we assumed he was to check in at the church (about 1 mile from our house) at 8 PM Friday night.

While Michael was driving home, he got a call on his cell phone from the youth leader. He said they had waited as long as they could for Will, but had to go ahead and let the buses leave. Apparently it was announced verbally that departure from the church was at 6PM. The 8PM Registration and Checkin was to be held at the camp in Toccoa. Turner (the youth leader) said that the departure time was not written anywhere, but was verbally announced at church. We figured that Will probably didn't hear or didn't remember the announcement. For the most part, the other kids in the youth group have parents that also attend AFUMC, so their parents probably heard the announcement. Since Michael and I attend East Cherokee, we didn't hear the announcement, thus missing the bus departure.

Will came to me with big tears welling up in his eyes bearing the news. He was completely crestfallen, thinking he had missed out on his much anticipated trip. His bubble was burst. I tried to calm him down and assured him that we would get him up there somehow. I went to mapquest and mapped out the route. When Michael got home after fighting Friday evening rush hour traffic, we greeted himw with the map and a plea to get back on the road to take Will up to the camp. Michael had already made plans for the evening with a friend, but didn't hesitate to cancel, load Will up, and head off into the dark, cold, winter nightl. Counting the return trip, that put him on the road for 5 more hours.

You could see the happiness flood Will's face as he realized he was to be reunited with his group. I assured him that he'd be no more that 1 hour late and wouldn't miss much at all. I was so proud of Michael for taking on the task gladly. I know he was tired, cold, it was inconvenient, and to top it off he already had plans of his own. So many of us, even parents, choose not to do the right thing if it is inconvenient or gets in the way of our own plans. Michael did the right thing with a smile, and considering the event, probably made an eternal impact. Another good peice of news is that Michael saw Andrew at the camp on Friday night working as a camp helper. We were glad to know that he was spending the weekend in a wholesome environment too.

Will got home around 1PM on Sunday. He was pumped! He said they had a live band and the music was going "all weekend", and they were jumping up and down and moving all weekend. He said the walls of the meeting room were covered with names written in chalk - names of people that had accepted Christ as their saviour in that room, going back into the 1920's. He said he didn't write his name because he had already become a Christian at the "BBQ Church". This was a small group we worshiped with at a BBQ restaurant a few years ago. He enjoyed the weekend so much that he volunteered to go back this weekend as a helper. Since that would interfere with his Upward game and his Confirmation class, we didn't let him go, but it was wonderful to see his enthusiasm. He's already talking about Summer Youth Camp and can't wait to go.

This is good stuff. Any parent knows that kids will find something to keep themselves busy, and if they aren't busy with positive activities, they will fill the void with less-than positive outlets. I am reminded of the many youth trips I was blessed to attend and how much I enjoyed them, and what a positive influence they had on my life. Will has found a good fit at AFUMC, and for that I am truely grateful. This will be a wonderful influence on him as he progresses through Middle and High school.

So, our baby has been initiated into church youth group trips, and can't wait to go on more. By the next trip, he'll probably feel like a veteran and will most likely be planning pranks well in advance. I have a few of those up my sleeve to share with him - I can't wait!

Ribs

2007-01-19T09:21:00.000-05:00

Now that I have a walker, I'm able to cook again on my good days, and so I'm cooking about 2 times a week. On Monday, Will and I went to the grocery store and bought some ribs - that's about his favorite food. I put them in marinade and planned to have ribs for dinner Monday night. Then I was reminded that it was Scout night, and Amanda said she wouldn't' be home for dinner either. So I just left the ribs in the marinade until the next opportunity for a family meal - Wednesday night. (Tuesday night never works because Amanda has Explorers).

Wednesday came, and around 1:00 I put the ribs in the oven on 200 degrees and coated them with BBQ sauce. I basted every hour or so and turned them a few times. When I pulled them out for dinner at 7:00, the meat was falling off the bone and they were bone-sucking good!Everyone pitched in and we cooked fried okra, corn on the cobb, and texas toast to go with the ribs.

Every Wednesday night at 8:30, Will has Upward Basketball practice. They use part of the time for a brief bible lesson and memory verses. During their 'serious' time, Will got distracted by some BBQ sauce on his arm. He started wiping it off with his finger and eating it - then proclaimed loudly "My Mom made the best ribs tonight!" while the leader was reading John 3:16. Reportedly, this pretty much broke up the group and the 'serious' time. Bless his heart, he means well. Michael discreetly told him to go to the restroom and clean up his hands and arms, and Will responded loudly "Oh, don't worry Dad, I'm all clean now - I ate it all". I guess all of the perspiration didn't affect the flavor too much.

Boys will be Boys! It's a great feeling when people enjoy my cooking.

Christmas 2006

2006-12-31T06:23:00.000-05:00

It's now New Year's eve (only 6:30 in the morning, but still the last day of the year). We managed to get through the Christmas season relatively well. We got lots of beautiful cards and pictures from our friends and families. I haven't sent out Christmas cards in over 10 years - can you beleive that? For so many years, I was "too busy". Now, I'm just plain tired. I am very stingy with my time because there is so little of it to go around; I spend more time sick or at doctor offices than I do anywhere else. I have to 'save my spoons' for things that are truely important.

We talked at length about a tree, even took a family vote. Amanda voted a definate NO to getting a tree. I was on the fence - didn't care either way. Everyone else voted YES. In the past, we've always had a live tree. This year, as time was quickly running out and we still didn't have a tree, John came home with a new artificial tree from Wal-Mart. I was very pleasantly surprised - it really was beautiful. Then there were the added benefits that Garfield didn't drink the water and kill it, no one had to remember to add water every day, there are no pesky needles all over the house, and of course we didn't have to deal with disposing it. Plus, we're all ready to go next year - Our tree is neatly boxed up and waiting for us. So all in all, it was a great idea John had and I have to say I'm a convert (I used to be a "natural or nothing" Christmas tree snob).

As soon as the tree went up and was decorated, presents begain to 'appear' under it. Garfield loved the tree perhaps more than anyone. He was forever swatting at the ornaments, garland, and lights, and even kept tring to climb up the trunk. When he did that, the whole tree would start swaying back and forth, and the spire on the top wobbled wildly. So I guess I'd have to say the tree was a big hit all the way around.

We did some furniture rearranging in order to make a spot for the tree. We moved the big green chair up to our bedroom, along with the reading table and lamp. I'm really enjoying the change, and have decided to make it permanent. Now we have a great, quiet reading nook in the bedroom. Michael gave me a pretty table top fountain which I placed atop the reading table. It is so relaxing! The only thing is that Garfield likes to drink from it, so I have to keep a close eye on the water level so it doesn't go dry and damage the motor. We put the piano in the corner where the big green chair had been - and I like that change too. I know it sounds silly, but now that the piano is more visible, I tend to play it more - and that's a good thing. Its a great outlet for me. I usually put on the headphones so only I hear what I'm playing, because there is usually a lot of noise and stuff going on in the house.

We had a more frugal gift-giving season than in the past, but no less meaningful or fun. Amanda gave me a tea set that is AWESOME. It is hand made cast iron from Japan, the type of tea set I've wanted for years but would never have spent the money on. It is warm green with dragonflies on it, and it is so perfect. Dragonflies symbolize new beginnings, and I've always been partial to them, but never knew their symbolic meaning. It reminds me of the plaque on my wall that my Mother gave me that says "Today is the first day of the rest of your life". I've been offering tea to everyone in sight. My family has been indulging me by sharing pots of tea, but I don't think anyone else really enjoys it the way I do. Amanda got me the matching trivet and two teacups with saucers to match. They tried to sell her a warmer that you put a candle in and it keeps your tea warm for hours, but I didn't think I needed it. I've changed my mind on that, and when I have $39 to spare I'm going to get it. That way I can brew a pot and sip on it all morning.

John gave me this incredible sleeping mask. It is so fluffy and soft and goes over your eyes. It TOTALLY blocks out any light, and has different sounds you can play. There is white noise, a babbling brook, the ocean, birds chirping, and some others. Plus, you can plug in your iPod and listen to that if you want to. Of course, you can also listen to nothing, just put on the mask and block out all of the light and take a nap. I've been using it every day... it's so perfect for me! Now I can take a nap in the recliner in the middle of the day in complete darkness. Plus the plush fabric feels SO GOOD against my skin and sort of 'hugs' me. I like it a lot, I guess you can tell.

'Santa' brought Will the SIMS. He's always wanting to play on Amanda's game and so we knew he would enjoy having it for himself. We were right. For the first 2 days, I don't think he ate or slept at all - he just played the SIMS. What I really like about that game is that it makes you think and really teaches life concepts in a fun way. Like if you don't work, you don't eat, or if y ou don't learn to cook you burn up your house, if you don't get enough rest you get sick, if you don't bathe you get sick - stuff like that. I'm relieved that it works flawlessly on his laptop, because it is an IBM Thinkpad and sometimes things don't work exactly right on it.

There was lots more special gift-giving - too much to recall it all here.

On Christmas Eve we had a very special time. Michael, John, Andrew, Grandpa Bill and I all went to the Christmas Eve service at our church. I think that other than Grandma Betts funeral, this was the only time the five of us have been to church together. It was mostly music and sharing. The lights were dimmed so it was comfortable on my eyes. Both John and I shared during the service, and it was just so special being all together like that. My only wish was that Amanda could have been with us, but it was her time to be with her Dad and Marsha. Afterwards, we were hungry for dinner but I was far to tired to deal with cooking, so we went out for Mexican.

Our 'family Christmas' was on the 18th at my brother, Joel's house. I knew beforehand that I was not up to going. I got several calls from Joel, Mom, and Dad, all encouraging me to go. I know their intentions were good, but I had to listen to my body - I know my limitations and it would have been very uncomfortable - plus my family wouldn't have been able to stay as long as they wanted because I would have had to leave early. Amanda helped me make big baskets for each of my brothers families and my Mom & Dad, and I sent them to the gathering. I got a lot of enjoyment from that and it made me feel like I was participating in some small way. One thing we put in all the baskets was 'Peppermint Bark'. This is super easy to make, and Amanda made it while I sat and instructed her. It's so much fun teaching her to cook things and watching her as she tries things for the first time in the kitchen. The bark was no exception. It turned out great, and we had plenty of it to go around and give to friends and family. On Christmas morning, each of the kids even had a bag of it in their stockings!

On the 27th, we got sad news. My dear uncle Drew passed away. He was my mothers only brother, and father to 4 of my cousins. He has been seriously ill for the last 8 years, due to a heart condition. He was on over 6 liters of oxygen! (I'm only on 2-3 liters). He was able to spend Christmas day with his family, and according to reports he died quickly and without pain. He has always been dear to me, kind, gentle, and caring. We never lived close enough together to form a close bond, but I love him none the less. I know he was a believer and I know we'll see him again. That is my consolation. Rather than send flowers, I went to the American Heart Association website and donated $50 in his memory; my aunt will get a card from my family for him. My parents, who just returned from Texas the week before Christmas, went back to Louisiana on the 28th for the services and to be with the family. The services were yesterday, the 30th. They had to wait until then because my cousin Nathan was in Africa and that was the earliest that he could get home.

Yesterday morning (Saturday), I made breakfast (with help), and we were all together to eat it (a rare thing!). Michael, John, Andrew, Amanda,Will, and me. Everyone seemed to enjoy it, from the cathead biscuits to the Mayhaw jelly. Afterwards, before everyone could dash off their seperate ways for the day, I asked the kids to please take down the tree. Michael brought in the storage boxes, and they all got to work. They had it done in no time. I was feeling very tired and went to bed. I kept feeling worse and worse, and about 1:00 I realized I had not taken my morning medicine - DUH! So I took it and in about an hour I started feeling human again and got out of bed.

The Verdict is in - Maybe

2006-12-23T08:47:00.000-05:00

I went to Dr. Daily (Infectious Disease) and he studied my CT scans and agreed with the Radiologis and ER doctor - said I am 'a very sick lady' and have 'acute Mastoiditis'. So thats 3 doctors to 1, so I'm going with the majority. I have to finish out the Cipro and if it's not cleared, either go to IV antibiotics or a stronger oral one. Still have the constant headache and nausea, feel like I've been run over by a Mac truck. I am totally noise and light sensitive, they both make me feel like crawling out of my skin. And the abdominal pain that is at times WORSE than my joint pain.

There's always a twist though. Michael did some research and found that Sarcoid can attack the Mastoid bone and mimic Mastoiditis. So, this whole thing could be from Sarc and not an infection. The only way to tell is surgery. yipee, can you tell how thrilled I am?

After I take my morning meds and a double dose of Percocet, I can squeeze out a little bit of 'quality time', which I'm using very judicously. I usually get one more window of 'feel ok time' late in the evening (late for me), usually around 8. Thats when my evening pain meds kick in. Other than those two times of day, my physical life is misery. I put my best face on and try to focus on the positives, try my best not to dampen the spirits of those I love, and just take a moment at a time. Distractions help, music helps, seeing my children smile helps, a kiss from Michael helps, loving my kitty helps, naps help, making tea in my new Dragonfly teapot helps (and sipping it!).

Stumped

2006-12-19T21:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, so today Amanda drove me to see my ENT doctor, the same doc that has operated on me at least 3 times and treated me for 10 years. He looked at the CT scan and saw the abnormal fluid in the mastoids and said, well theres no way to have fluid in the Mastoid unless it comes from the middle ear. He looked at my ears and said they were clear. So he basically had no idea why I have fluid in my mastoids, pain in my ears and back of my head. But he strongly disagreed with the ER doctor about Mastoiditis. He seemed to not really have a clue what is going on with me or what I should do next, and he didn't even really seem like he wanted to get involved (too complicated?). I was surprised and left feeling like I'd wasted my time. He had no idea what the problem is or how to fix it. So, left to my own devices I think I'll go see my Nerologist (since after all there is excruciating pain in the back of my head), and my GI doctor (since I also have excruciating pain in my left pelvic region). It was kind of funny, Dr. Jackson (ENT guy) didn't have a clue what was going on in my ears, nose, throat, etc., but seemed 100% certain that I have diverticulitis (sp?). We'll have to see if Dr. Jagiella agrees. In the meantime I'll take the Cipro and go with the flow. I guess I can always take my breakthrough pain meds or go to the ER if it gets too bad. Anyway the silver lining is I got to spend most of the day with Amanda and we even did a little bit of secret santa shopping (shhh).

Migraine-ish Mastoiditis

2006-12-18T19:25:00.000-05:00

Sunday morning I awoke to the worst headache yet. It occured to me that these headaches have all been in the lower back of my head, and usually my migraines are in the front of the head. So, I thought, maybe it's not a migraine, maybe I have a blood pressure problem.

So I pulled out the cuff and snapped it on, and yep there it was: 210 over 110. I took it 3 more times just to make sure. Then I called my Dr. and he said do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to the ER.

So off to the ER we went. After a $100 deductable and a CT scan of my head, it was determined that I have major infection in my mastoids - both sides. These little gems are right in the lower back of the head - amazing - right where my headaches have been. So I've been walking around with this infection for about a week and a half now, when Dr. Butler said any infection needs to be treated within 48 hours because of the drugs I'm on. ypiee, what fun. Mastoiditis, I discovered, can spread into the bone, requiring surgery. It can also lead to Meningitis if not treated promptly and aggressively. No wonder I've felt like the bottom of a wet diaper pail for the last week. The one bright spot to the ER trip was 2 pain shots and some temporary relief from the non-stop pain.

So I started on Cipro 500 MG 2x daily and of course pain pills to mask the constant agony that I used to call a life. And of course no more Remicade until everything is completely cleared up...so my Sarc can have a Christmas party, and probably a New Year's party too - all without the interference of any of those nasty little TNF inhibitors or auto-immune suppressors to dampen their fun. I just hope that unleashing the Sarc monster won't cause a flare-up and God forbid, a hospital stay.

This morning I woke up with no headache (although it did return later in the day), so based on that I think the Cipro is working. I'm just hoping its not too little too late.

Tomorrow I follow up with the ENT specialist who once told me "I can cut off a person's whole head if I want to" - now isn't that comforting. On the other hand, I would probably feeel a lot better if he did.

I have to go to the GI specialist too, because I've been having intense pain in my lower left abdomen. I had an abmormal CT scan in that area last year; maybe it is related. Who knows. I need a personal secretary just to keep up with my medicines and doctors and tests. Am I dying? Or will this pass? I dunno. I guess I'll find out when I find out.

Meanwhile I haven't begun to shop for Christmas; its kind of hard to do when you're in bed with pain for 18 hours out of every day. Hmm. Maybe I'll give hugs this year.

Oh What a Relief it is!

2006-12-14T08:23:00.000-05:00

I'm reminded of that old Alka-Seltzer commercial "plop plop, fizz fizz, Oh what a relief it is"... guess that tells a bit about my age. But pure relief is what I feel this morning. I woke up with NO HEADACHE & NO NAUSEA! Tired? yes. Joint Pain? constantly. But no Migraine. I'm really glad because Will is home sick from school and I have to be at the hospital for a 10:30 appointment this morning. Taking care of his appointment and mine will be so much easier without the Migraine.

So, what's been going on around here for the last 3 days while I've been consumed with flashing lights, nausea and Ginger Ale? Well, last night John came home with a Christmas Tree for us. We just keep running into scheduling hurdles and its now 12/14 and we still haven't bought a tree. So John came to the rescue and surprised us last night. It was really sweet and thoughtful of him to take care of that for the family. He's still waiting on the final yes or no from the Alpharetta Police Department. We know he passed all of the tests, including the oral interviews, but he doesn't have a final answer/job offer yet.

Andrew is still working a temp job with UPS. It is supposed to end on 12/22. He's working on a lot of other leads for employment after that date, including a possibility of being hired on at UPS as a regular employee. He's completed interviews with Comcast, and is waiting for a final yes/no from them. He's also looking into work at SmokeJack. I think he's hoping we take a trip to Lisbon after Christmas and wants to go along. Its been 7 years since we last took him, and it would be great for him to get to go again.

Michael is having a good month at work. Sales and Renewals are up, thanks to his top notch Customer Care. That really seems to be his niche. He finally went to the doctor about his persistant cough and breathing problems. He's been diagnosed with several allergies: Dog, Cat, and Dust Mites (of which we have plenty!!), and with Asthma. They put him on some new meds and he said he hasn't had a "breathing spell" since he started the meds. That's really good news, because he's been carrying a nebulizer around all the time and using it several times a day! It's also great news that he doesn't have a lung problem. Hopefully he's back on track and will feel much better.

Amanda finished her finals on Tuesday - all done with her first semester of college! She doesn't go back until January. Meanwhile, she's been working 2 jobs - Theater Tech for two different productions. The last performance is Sunday 12/17 and she will be burning the candle at both ends until then. On Monday, I'm betting she'll be complaining of boredom...but she'll have a bit larger bank balance to show for it all.

Will is enjoying playing basketball. His first game was last Saturday, 12/9, and his team won by 2 points. He got the star for best effort. If we could just keep his shoes tied snugly, I think he would do even better. This week he's been complaining of a sore throat. No fever, and the throat looks ok to me. But I finally let him stay home today and have a 3:45 doctors appointment for him this afternoon to check it out.

Tomorrow at noon I have a date with Grandpa Bill. We're going to sip tea and he's going to tell me stories while I snuggle up on his big sofa. What a great way to spend a Friday afternoon!

That's all for now, I've got to get a quick shower and rouse Amanda (my designated driver this morning).

Beat to the Punch?

2006-12-13T09:58:00.000-05:00

OK, so this is day 3 of the Migraine wars. I found some Frova tablets and took one along with 2 Percocets before getting out of bed. My head was already starting to hurt, but no flashing lights or nausea. Then I started with the Ginger Ale and a Phenegran. Now it's 10:00 AM and I'm nauseous, but managed to hold down a cup of yogurt and the Ginger Ale. My head is not hurting and there are no lights. So basically I just feel like I'm about to toss my cookies any minute now. I'd say I beat the Migraine to the punch today. Still feel like my stomach has been pulverized by a prize fighter, but at least I'm not bed-ridden like the last 2 days. Just look for the Canada Dry and Phenegran at my house and you'll find me close by.

Migraines Again

2006-12-13T00:53:00.000-05:00

I seem to get in these cycles of migraines, they come in bouts. First the lights flashing, then the headache, then the nausea. I've been nowhere except the toilet and my bed for the last 2 days. Just one of the side effects of Methotrexate and Remicade. I took my last $10 migraine pill today, so if it comes back tomorrow I'll have to go to the pharmacy and get more. I have plenty of Canada Dry and Phenagren, Soup and Crackers. I'm going to try to drag myself into the shower now and maybe smelling better will make me feel better. Or maybe thats just wishful thinking. I would really, really, really like to feel better tomorrow. When these days happen I miss LIFE. I miss my FAMILY. I feel so alone and useless, and life starts feeling pointless. Maybe tomorrow, just maybe... it will be different.

This is what happens when I don't write

2006-11-24T00:37:00.000-05:00

There is too much to tell! This is what happens when I don't write to my blog for a long time. It's been almost a month. Where do I start?

Exciting news about Amanda. She has all A's and 1 B in collge - WOW! With her extra-curricular activities too, it's really a feat for her. She was on the technical team for Milton High School's Fall 1-act play, and the Technical Director had to leave unexpectedly right before regional competition. So they asked Amanda to be Acting Technical Director. She did so, and Miltion WON FIRST Place in the regionals, which meant they went to state. So there's my sweet little Amanda, Technical Director at the Springer Opera house for state competition. Then, the best news of all, they took 2nd place at state! It was all very exciting and the Springer Opera House in Columbus is WORTH THE DRIVE. I would love to go back there to see another play. Mom, Dad, Michael,Will,and I went on the day of the state competition to support Amanda and Milton, and I'm so glad we did. What a blast!

Will has completed requirements to advance to Tenderfoot. There will be a "Court of Honor" in a couple of weeks at which he will receive it officially. I can't wait! He also went on his first 'teenager' retreat sponsored by the church. I remember how much those trips meant to me and it's wonderful that he is staying so involved in the church and is getting to go on trips. He had a blast, it was a very positive experience. He's also doing very well academically at school. Behavior is another issue - we're constantly working on it. He's not mean or foul-mouthed or anything like that. His challenge is that he loves being the class clown. Every day, every class, is a party to him. Michael has started a discipline program modeled after the movie 'Holes'. Every time Will comes home with a negative report from school, he has to dig a hole. The first hole had to be 1 foot by 1 foot by 1 foot. No big deal, right? But the second hole was 2 feet by 2 feet by 2 feet. The job gets much harder as the size goes up. Michael has a PVC pipe with 1 foot markings all the way up in 1 foot intervals and keeps it right beside the shovel. Once the hole is measured by me or Michael, Will has to fill it all back in. It's really making him THINK. I think its a great idea and I hope before his holes get much larger, we stop getting discipline reports from his school.

Andrew has come back home to live with us for awhile. His job at Honda was only a 3 month contract, so he is between jobs right now. He's been very busy looking for another job and has 2 interviews next week. Michael has taken him clothes shopping to make sure he has 1 "interview outfit" to wow the prospective employers with. He also has some academic work that needs to be completed, and everyone is pitching in to support that as well. Amanda has volunteered to tutor him in Science, as that is the only area he lacks to meet the Georgia graduation requirements.

John came home from Iraq on September 6. He's now working at Atlanta National (where he worked before he left), and is also trying to get on with the Alpharetta police department. He passed the physical and written tests with no problem, and has his final test, which is an oral exam, next Tuesday. We are all excited and proud for him. He has lots of options. He has ben saving like mad because he wants to buy a house.

Michael is still doing the drive to work every day, which takes it's toll on him. His chronic Bronchitis has been very active the last few weeks, and he has to use the nebulizer a lot. But work itself is going well - he even got a bonus last week! We incorporated my business and made Michael the president. Sales have been great, and Michael does all the work while I sit )and boss him around :-). Michael has done a tremendous amount of work on his family history. He submitted his research to the Gwinnett Historical Society, and a HUGE book detailing the history of many Gwinnett Familys was released and dedicated last Sunday. Michalel's work was included in the book. We are all so proud of his efforts. I was too tired from the day in Columbus to go to the ceremony, but John and Sayra went, which was perfect. I'm really glad some of the family was there to support him.

I've had my normal ups and downs health-wise. I had this burn scar on my arm that 'exploded'. It just expanded out about an inch. None of my other scars did this, it was weird. One of my Drs. saw it and sent me directly over to Dr. Rachal, a dermitologist. They gave me around 30 cortizone shots in the puffy area and took a biopsy. The swelling quickly went down, and the biopsy was negative for sarcoid. The stiches got infected, and caused me to have to stay out of the pool for about 4 days. Then came the falls. I've falledn 3 times in the last week. The first fall was because of wet leaves which hid the edge of the walkway. I thought I was stepping on the walkway, but instead was halfway on the walkway, and halfway off. I fell forward, but only made my toes on my right foot sore. Then came a bigger fall. I was getting into my van, and my left knee just 'disappeared' from under me. My left leg twisted and made this horrible crunching sound, and I fell flat down. The pain was through the roof, but didn't last long. Soon, I was able to drag myself into the van and go on. I tried to treat my left leg very gently all day, hoping I wouldn't need to see a dr. Then, I went to get in my van and the same thing happened again, but much worse. This time, I was laid flat down in the driveway (which is very steep), with my head down and my feet up higher. I couldn't move at all. I felt like the old woman in the commercial that says "I've fallen and I can't get up!" I called and called, but no one in the house heard me. Then finally, Andrew drove up and saw me. Then all of the kids came out and helped me up. I succomed and went to the ER. No broken bones, but they fitted me with thisdevice that keeps my leg immoble and put me on a walker. I'm supposed to follow up with an Orthapedic Dr., but I really don't want to. I think they will just run a bunch of tests, charge me a bunch of money, and in the end the treatment will be no different - keep the leg immoble and use the walker until it heals.

Other big news - I received notice that my SS case has finally been APPROVED. I don't have any details about exact amounts yet. I'm talking to several attorneys locally to ensure I have an advocate because there is money to be repaid to my LTD company, and it would be foolish to take their word (the LTD company) for how much I owe them and the terms for repayment.

Well, today is turkey day and there was not even a slice of turkey at our house. Our family celebrated Thanksgiving last saturday, so everyone went their different ways today. Mom and Dad spent time with Amanda, Bo, and Marsha, and knowing them, there was plenty of good treats to eat. John and Andrew went to some of their mother's family. I expect Joel's family spent time with Regina's clan, and I don't know what Jeff's family did. I spent the day mostly laying flat on my back with my Bionicare on my left knee.

We've started bringing in the dogs at night (in crates). Our dogs are pound puppies, brother and sister, and if they can't see each other they go positively mad. So we sit the crates face to face so they can see each other all night. Our problem has been that they bark ALL NIGHT LONG. So we tried the crates. The really nice thing is that they are perfectly quiet all night in their crates. So maybe we've solved a problem for us AND our neighbors. Plus, with the weather getting cold, I know they mus feel better inside.

I finally found a solution to the cat digging in (and pooping in) my house plants. I got some rather heavy, flat river rocks from Pikes, and layed them over the soil in the pant pots. This is advice I got on Yahoo Answers. Sure enough, Garfield can't move the rocks to get to the soil, and so my plants have been in for over 1 week, and remain unmolested by my dear feline. Such a simple idea, but I never thought of it. Last year I tried Cayenne pepper and sticky tape, neither of which worked. Garfield had a heyday with my plants and the stink was, well, stinky. I think we've won the battle this year! He's such a sweet cat, the only cat I've ever known that isn't stand-offish. We all love him, though technically he's Will's cat. He loves to get on top of the bird cage and stare down at Sam and Darin, Amanda's two Cockateils. It drives the birds crazy, but he can't harm them.

Well, that's my best effort to make up for weeks of not writhing. So long and good night from the Allen house.

The Difference

2006-10-26T20:05:00.000-05:00

The difference between a Motel 6 and your Family's Home

At the M6, you come and go as you please, any time day or night. Time doesn't matter - you can just walk in and flop down on whatever seems comfortable at the time and stay as short or long of a time as you want to. At your family's home, you keep in touch with your loved ones and let them know how to reach you and when to expect you to be home. This is not only because you care about each other, but also for safety and in case family members need to reach each other in emergencies. This is also something very old fashioned called 'good manners' and even 'common sense'.
At the M6, you can bring in your friends anytime day or night. It doesn't matter if your family knows them, or even if you just met them in a bar - you can hang out, sleep, party, whatever as you please with whomever you please. At your family's home, you check ahead and make sure it is a convenient time to bring friends over. You ask, not only because you are polite and respectful of the rest of the family, but also because the family has a right to know who is coming and going inside their home. You introduce your friends to the family when they come over. This is also another one of those old fashioned things known as 'respect'.
At the M6, you can leave for days at a time (provided your room is paid up), and no one will care. You don't need to check in, in fact the innkeeper would think you were wierd if you did check in. With your family, you would never 'disappear' because you know your family loves you and would be worried about you. You would never deliberately 'miss' their calls - You would want them to be able to find you and know you are safe. You would even want to hear about them - their lives, how things are going, as well as sharing with them about your life. This is called 'communication', and is a sign of a healthy relationship.
If you 'live' at th M6, you don't really have to LIVE there. You can just dump your stuff there, use it as your mailing address, and basically thats it. Then you can REALLY live in all sorts of places, with all sorts of people - you can even move around day to day and LIVE with different people every day of the week. At your family's home, if you LIVE there, that means you spend time there. You go to sleep there (most nights), and wake up there. It is where you go after work or school every day. You eat meals and spend time with the family. You help out around the house, you communicate, and you share your life with your family. If you are an adult, once you finish school and have a job (and you choose to continue living at home), you voluntarily pay rent monthly to your parents to help suppport your home. This is another one of those pesky old fashioned ideas called being 'honorable'.

There are, of course, many more differences between a Motel 6 and your Family Home, just like there are differences between a Public Storage unit and your Family's home. Oh, and incidentially, the 'good manners', 'common sense', 'respect', 'communication', and 'honorable' behavior is expected from ADULTS. After all, only a child could possibly confuse his/her Family's Home with a Motel 6.

Expensive but Worth It

2006-10-15T06:58:00.000-05:00

Friday was a special day. Amanda and I bought tickets to a local play "Funny Money", and made plans for a girl's night out. She had to see two plays this semester fo fulfill her theater class requirements, and this was play #2. The first play we saw was "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf", so we decided it was time for a change of pace and "Funny Money", being a British Comedy, was certainly that.

To be sure I would have enough energy, I 'saved my spoons' all day, just resting and being sure to stay on my O2 constantly. By the time I picked Will up from school, I felt like I could squeeze in a trip to Wal-Mart (riding the scooter of course), to get him some warm clothes. We've been talking about it for about 3 weeks now, and he was way overdue. It is such an unexplainable simple pleasure of parenting to take the kids clothes shopping. It's such a joy to see them get excited about a pair of pants, a sweatshirt, to see their smile, to know you have a small part in making them happy and caring for their needs. I'm always so grateful for the blessing of having enough money to take care of my kids. Anyway, towards the end of our shopping, my scooter ran out of battery juice, and Will had to push me in the scooter full of clothes up to the front of the store, so he got a good work-out.

We got home about 5 minutes before Amanda, and so I dressed and took about 30 minutes of Oxygen before we started out for the play. We had never been to this playhouse before, so we left early to make sure we could find it on time. It turned out to be easy to find, and not so far away. Although it was in Marietta, it was on our side of Marietta, just down Sandy Plains Road. Amanda Drove, so I got to rest and use my portable O2 during the ride. After we found the playhouse (Centerstage Theater, I think), we went over to a nearby shopping center for a quick bite to eat. The choices were a Pizza/Pasta place, and Jersey Mike's Subs. Amanda urged for the sub place, but I prevailed - I really wanted to try the Pasta. Turns out she was right. The pasta took way too long to come and we had to pack it up in go boxes almost as soon as it arrived so we could make it to the play on time. I made a critical mistake - I ordered Angel Hair with fresh garlic, forgetting that I would be sitting in close proximity to a lot of other people for the next 2 hours. By the time I realized this, it was too late, so I pulled out the tic-tacs and tried my best not to breathe on anyone. Amanda had Fettucinni Alfredo, and it was totally yummy! She hesitated to order it because with Fettucinni Alfredo, it's either really good, or really bad. It's like a 50/50 chance with a new place you haven't tried before. But fortunately, it turned out to be good.

The play was fast moving and humurous, with only a couple of real belly-laughs. The theather ws smallish- and like a black box theater. We got seats right on the front row. We sat next to an elderly lady (Amanda was next to her - lucky for her she didn't get too close to my garlic breath!). When she sat down, she asked Amanda to help her with her sweater. It was obvious she had very bad Arthritis. Amanda was so kind and respectful to her and helped her off with her sweater. Then she arranged it around her shoulders to keep her warm. They struck up a conversation, and it turned out that this lady is a founding board member for the Alliance Theater. Of course this gave them something in common to discuss, and they talked until the show started. At the intermission and again when the play was over, Amanda helped her with her sweater. Her hands were knarled and swollen and she said she had been suffering from Arthritis for more than 20 years.

Since we went to the play on opening night, there was a gathering afterward to meet and greet with the cast and have desserts. They had this most awesome carrot cake and it was like a magnet drawing me to it, but Amanda helped me resisit. After we got home, I thanked her - I felt a small victory in resisitng the temptation.

Saturday morning the bill came due. Great pain, so much stiffness, I couldn't get out of bed. Just reached over and took my pills plus breakthrough pain pills and laid there. Never even turned on the TV, talked to anyone on the phone - nothing. I finally woke up at 2:40 PM and thought it was still morning. So, I missed a day. But it was worth it. I would do it again.

Holding Every Thought Captive

2006-10-10T01:52:00.000-05:00

It's a verse I learned as a child and have 'always' known:

2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

While I was swimming the other day, I was meditating and praying as I usually do during my swims, and this verse came to me as I was praying about an issue that's been bothering me a lot lately. It occured to me that everything that comes out of my mouth starts out as a thought. So I have started 'holding the thoughts captive', like holding them up to the light and looking really hard at them before I allow them to go from my brain and out my mouth. What HUGE improvement this has made. Many, many times, when I hold the thought up to the light I get the answer to not release the thought into words. In other words, I keep my mouth shut. Many other times, when I hold the thought up to the light, I am given a different way or even just a different tone to use when I verbalise the thought. Sometimes, I am given something totally different to say than the original thought.

I think this must be what my Dad has done all of his life. He is a man of few words, but the words he says are always meaningful and wise. I know that James is his favorite book, and it talks about taming the tongue, so maybe that is another place where he draws strength.

In any case, it's working for me and I am grateful.

And so we try again

2006-09-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

Back home from the hospital, flare 'semi-settled', I'm now on 20 mg of the devil's brew daily and still my joints are huge and hot before I even get out of bed. My weight is worse than ever, and I'm overwhelmed thinking about how long it will take to get back down to 10 and how my legs and feet are so stiff and painful I can barely walk now. Still reeling from the massive IV doses and Morphene and just the whole chaos of it all. But today I tried to start again. Saw Barbara, even though I missed 1/2 of my appointment due to the traffic. Got to have my monthly Remicade, no infections around to delay that. Then took a long nap with the bionicare on my right leg. Even had a plesant time with my daughter, I don't think I said anything wrong or hurtful and she smiled a lot. Good food in the fridge - real homade food from my Mother, what a blessing to have. Now I'll go find my kids and try to make sure they know I love them before they go to bed. Tomorrow I will keep trying.

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

2006-09-26T02:46:00.000-05:00

Finally had to go to CLH last Friday and admintted to hospital to get the flare under control. So I got 180 MG daily via iv of Presnisone plus plenty of tranquilizers to keep me from going nuts, and lots of Morphene for the pain.

It was a real trip this time. Due to a mix-up on my meds, I ended up going into withdrawal on Friday night and turned into a raving lunatic. I made this huge scene and ripped out my iv and was trying to escape the hospital without any oxygen. They had to call security and there weare these doctors and nurses and everyone trying to 'talk me down'. Turns out it was ALL CHEMICAL, the ER intake had not passed along my meds info to the next department, etc, etc, and by Friday night I was in cold turkey withdrwawal from a half dozen meds that I HAVE to have on schedule, every day, on time. It gave me a real appreciation for what people who are detoxing must have to go through. But at least they know they are detoxing, and they are given support to help ease them through the detox process.

It was a real mess, but when I awoke about 3AM in my room, there was this sweet lady just sitting there next to me. Turns out, I had been assigned to have a constant "sitter" for the remainder of my stay. These "sitters" just came and went, quietly just being there with me. If I wanted to talk, we talked. If I didn't want to talk, they just quietly attended me. It turned out that every single one of them was a Christian or seeking Christ, and we always ended up having such special fellowship! It was truly amazing, the sharing that happened between me and my "sitters" over the weekend.

Looking back, there was clearly a purpose in this episode. I was visted by my family, 2 of the hospital chaplains, and my pastor and a friend from church. The chaplain visits were amazing. I've never had a hospital chaplain visit me before, but for some reason ??? I checked 'Yes' on the box requesting a chaplain visit.

The 2nd chaplain that came in did something so profound. We talked about my greif over the loss of my abililty to be a part of the Worship Team, and to use my career to bless people in the corporate world. (You see, that was always my reason to get up in the morning and to the 'corporate thing' - it was a cover for me to try to show Jesus to the people I worked with). This is something I have rarely talked about because it has been so painful - like I would want to know WHY would God take away my ability to minister FOR HIM? Like being spurned by a lover. Very painful. Well, this chaplain really 'got it'. And then he helped me understand some things, and left me with SUCH HOPE for the future! This verse has new meainng for me now:

Isaiah 53:5But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

My pastor has told me over and over the same thing, but I just didn't 'get it' until this weekend as I sat in the hospital with this sweet spirited, gentle man from South Korea. He explained how even God (temporarily) turned his back on his only son on the cross, and that he HAD do to that in order for Jesus' sufering to be REAL. And in order for me to MINISTER to people, I have to truely WALK THE PATH myself. Then it becomes REAL and I can connect with hurting people and minister to them. I ended up leaving with such a sense of purpose and hope, and yes - gratitude for all of the sharing with my 'sitters' over the weekend.

Romans 8:28 (KJV)
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

I have a nw acceptance. I am walking this path for a reason. Whether I see the results in this life or the next, it doesn't matter. Each pain, each hurt, is in my path for a reason, that reason being MINISTRY to other hurting people that can't be done unless you've actually WALKED THE PATH.

Stubborn

2006-09-22T01:39:00.000-05:00

This time the flare is being so stubborn. I've been taking the extra Prednisone for 3 days now, and I feel worse than before I started taking it. Not a good sign, I'm afraid. Joints worse, breathing worse, chest rattle worse. And the nightmares, God the nightmares. They just keep coming and coming and my mental state is on the fritz. I don't want to have to go to the hospital, but at least there I would get some support. Around here, it's just like 'lets ignore Mom for as long as we can and maybe she'll just go away". And if I dare to ASK for anything, you would think the world was coming to an end. So I just don't ask, and so I don't get what I need to get better. It really stinks. They all act like I'm such an imposition on their lives, and I know I must be. After all, how long should they be expected to put up with this? This was never in the bargain - for any of them. But here I am, sick and getting sicker - needy and getting needier and just praying to God to either make me well or take me home.

A Flare

2006-09-19T16:18:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling it coming on, joints swelling, chest hurting, cough, rattle, it always seems to happen when I go below 10 MG on the demon drug. I've tried every day to mentally battle it, to keep swimming, to tell myself I would level off, that it would be different this time.

It was not to be so. Yesterday Dr. Leeper listened to my chest and said if I weren't already on so much Remicade and Methotrexate, he would put me up to 60 mg of Prednisione. We compromised at 20. He couldn't believe I had been swimming that same day. How? he asked. How can I not? was my answer. I have a life to live, kids to raise, THINGS TO DO.

After Dr. Leeper, Amanda and I went to little 5 points. She really loves going down there, and it gives me joy to see that. We went in a shop where a bird had flown in, and the shop keeper was trying to shoo it out with a broom type contraption. She didn't have any luck at that while we were in there. We looked at vintage clothes, crystals, incense, trinkets and toys, and just plain wierd stuff. We ate lunch at a place where the front wall is a huge garage door (like at a mechanic). The door was wide open and a nice breeze came in. We were right on the street and we could people watch while we ate. It was nice. Then I could walk no longer, so I took up residence in the window of a bakery and sipped Lemonade while Amanda walked around. A guy with a teal painted skull walked by a few times. Some girls with about 80% of their bodies tattooed came by, and there was this one guy trying to sell everyone newspapers. If you wouldn't buy one, he became borderline violent, so we stayed as far away from thim as we could.

Next, we drove north to my next appointmnet. We were early, and there was a Great Clips across the street, so I decide to get a quick hair trim before my 6:00 appointment. That was mistake. I think the black guy cutting my hair had never cut a white girls' hair before. He took F-O-R-E-V-E-R. He started a 5:10 and finished at 6:18. At 6:00 I tried to get up from the chair and leave, but he woulndn't let me. I still have no idea what he was doing, but whatever it was, he did it ONE HAIR AT A TIME. My head weighs at least 1 extra poound because of all the goop he kept putting in there. And I have such a simple haircut! All he had to do was follow the cut, trim it up, blow dry it and be done. It was the strangest experience in a hair salon I've ever had, like some perverse twilight zone version of "Just a routine trip to the hair salon", with a hideous cackling and off-key music playing in the background.

Finally, I did make it to my next appointment and then back home. It was a long day and I was tired. My O2 tank ran out just as we got into the Alpharetta City Limits. Today was a setback medically. Not only does the DEMON DRUG interrupt my sleep cycle, but it impacts WHO I AM, HOW I ACT, and worst of all HOW I THINK. And then it takes SO LONG to wean back down again.

I struggled with the decision. When I was preparing my morning meds last night, I put the 20mg in. Then I went back and took them out. Then back in, then back out. Then when I was struggling to lift one of my feet off the floor with both hands to put on a sock, I succumbed. I put the 20 mg back in, and in it stayed.

I have become so swollen that I can barely walk, dress, move even. My weight is way up, I think because I'm so swollen. Of course it will go up again when I start taking more Predninsione. It's like a vicious circus ride that never stops, only winds tighter and tighter, with less options at every turn, fewer paths of escape.

And then there was THE DREAM. THE DREAM I had the night before going to see Dr. Leeper. It was the most horrifying dream of my life. I was visited by DEATH, taunted by DEATH, mocked by DEATH, until I finally woke up in a cold sweat and had to take a shower, change my clothes, and the sheets. It shook me to the core of my soul, making me fearful of sleep. But I did pray, and I was spared another visitation last night. Well, to be honest I didn't sleep at all last night, so it's kind of deceptive to say I was spared the visitation. The truth is, I didn't sleep at all last night, so upset about the FLARE, the Prednisone, and the visitation from DEATH.

I put my bathing suit on at 3:00 this morning, with every intention of driving to swim at 5:30. But when 5:30 came around, I realized I was way too unstable to drive, so I didn't go. Michael said he'll take me tonight and I'm going to go. It's what I HAVE to do, Its ALL I CAN do to fight back, my tiny window of defiance against this disease from Hell.

So I put my suit back on, feeling nauseus like I was about to throw up everything I've ever eaten. I asked Michael to take me to get a salad before swimming, thinking that I just needed a nice glass of Iced Tea and some rabbit food. WRONG. I just got sicker at the restaurant. So we came back home, my entire salad with us in a to-go box. So despite 2 attempts, I didn't make it to the pool today. It's like windows that keep slamming shut, and I hate it. I will try again in the morning.

Today's WWII - The Stakes are High

2006-09-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

THIS IS HISTORY THAT HAS BEEN LEFT OUT OF OUR TEXTBOOKS. MOST OF US ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THAT NEARLY EVERY FAMILY IN AMERICA WAS GROSSLY AFFECTED BY WWII. MOST OF US DON'T REMEMBER THE RATIONING OF MEAT, SHOES, GASOLINE, AND SUGAR. NO TIRES FOR OUR AUTOMOBILES, AND A SPEED LIMIT OF 35 MILES AN HOUR ON THE ROAD. NOT TO MENTION, NO NEW AUTOMOBILES. READ THIS AND THINK ABOUT HOW WE WOULD REACT TO BEING TAKEN OVER BY FOREIGNERS IN 2007.

This is an EXCELLENT essay. Well thought out and presented. I have taken the liberty of posting it here to my blog in an effort to help spread this crucial message and historical perspective.

Sixty-three years ago, Nazi Germany had overrun almost all of Europe and hammered England to the verge of bankruptcy and defeat, and had sunk more than four hundred British ships in their convoys between England and America for food and war materials. At that time the US was in an isolationist, pacifist mood, and most Americans wanted nothing to do with the European or the Asian war.

Then along came Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, and in outrage Congress unanimously declared war on Japan, and the following day on Germany, which had not yet attacked us. It was a dicey thing. We had few allies.

France was not an ally, as the Vichy government of France quickly aligned itself with its German occupiers. Germany was certainly not an ally, as Hitler was intent on setting up a Thousand Year Reich in Europe. Japan was not an ally, as it was well on its way to owning and controlling all of Asia. Together, Japan and Germany had long-range plans of invading Canada and Mexico, as launching pads to get into the United States over our northern and southern borders, after they finished gaining control of Asia and Europe. America's only allies then were England, Ireland, Scotland, Canada, Australia, and Russia. That was about it. All of Europe, from Norway to Italy, except Russia in the East, was already under the Nazi heel.

America was certainly not prepared for war. America had drastically downgraded most of its military forces after W.W.I and throughout the depression, so that at the outbreak of WW2, army units were training with broomsticks because they didn't have guns, and cars with "tank" painted on the doors because they didn't have real tanks. And a huge chunk of our navy had just been sunk or damaged at Pearl Harbor.

Britain had already gone bankrupt, saved only by the donation of $600 million in gold bullion in the Bank of England, that was actually the property of Belgium, given by Belgium to England to carry on the war when Belgium was overrun by Hitler (a little known fact). Actually, Belgium surrendered on one day, because it was unable to oppose the German invasion, and the Germans bombed Brussels into rubble the next day just to prove they could. Britain had already been holding out for two years in the face of staggering losses and the near decimation of its air force in the Battle of Britain, and was saved from being overrun by Germany only because Hitler made the mistake of thinking the Brits were a relatively minor threat that could be dealt with later, and first turning his attention to Russia, at a time when England was on the verge of collapse, in the late summer of 1940.

Ironically, Russia saved America's butt by putting up a desperate fight for two years, until the US got geared up to begin hammering away at Germany. Russia lost something like 24 million people in the sieges of Stalingrad and Moscow alone... 90% of them from cold and starvation, mostly civilians, but also more than a 1,000,000 soldiers. Had Russia surrendered, Hitler would have been able to focus his entire war effort against the Brits, then America. And the Nazis could possibly have won the war.

All of this is to illustrate that turning points in history are often dicey things. And now, we find ourselves at another one of those key moments in history. There is a very dangerous minority in Islam that either has, or wants and may soon have, the ability to deliver small nuclear, biological, or chemical weapons, almost anywhere in the world.

The Jihadis, the militant Muslims, are basically Nazis in Kaffiyahs -- they believe that Islam, a radically conservative form of Wahhabi Islam, should own and control the Middle East first, then Europe, then the world. And that all who do not bow to their will of thinking should be killed, enslaved, or subjugated. They want to finish the Holocaust, destroy Israel, and purge the world of Jews. This is their mantra.

There is also a civil war raging in the Middle East -- for the most part not a hot war, but a war of ideas. Islam is having its Inquisition and its Reformation, but it is not known yet which will win -- the Inquisitors, or the Reformationists.

If the Inquisition wins, then the Wahhabis, the Jihadis, will control the Middle East, the OPEC oil, and the US, European, and Asian economies. The techno-industrial economies will be at the mercy of OPEC -- not an OPEC dominated by the educated, rational Saudis of today, but an OPEC dominated by the Jihadis. You want gas in your car? You want heating oil next winter? You want the dollar to be worth anything? You better hope the Jihad, the Muslim Inquisition, loses, and the Islamic Reformation wins.

If the Reformation movement wins, that is, the moderate Muslims who believe that Islam can respect and tolerate other religions, and live in peace with the rest of the world, and move out of the 10th century into the 21st, then the troubles in the Middle East will eventually fade away, and a moderate and prosperous Middle East will emerge.

We have to help the Reformation win, and to do that we have to fight the Inquisition, i.e., the Wahhabi movement, the Jihad, Al Qaeda and the Islamic terrorist movements. We have to do it somewhere. And we can't do it everywhere at once. We have created a focal point for the battle at a time and place of our choosing........in Iraq.

Not in New York, not in London, or Paris or Berlin, but in Iraq, where we are doing two important things.

(1) We deposed Saddam Hussein. Whether Saddam Hussein was directly involved in 9/11 or not, it is undisputed that Saddam has been actively supporting the terrorist movement for decades. Saddam is a terrorist. Saddam is, or was, a weapon of mass destruction, who is responsible for the deaths of probably more than a million Iraqis and two million Iranians.

(2) We created a battle, a confrontation, a flash point, with Islamic terrorism in Iraq. We have focused the battle. We are killing bad people, and the ones we get there we won't have to get here. We also have a good shot at creating a democratic, peaceful Iraq, which will be a catalyst for democratic change in the rest of the Middle East, and an outpost for a stabilizing American military presence in the Middle East for as long as it is needed.

World War II, the war with the German and Japanese Nazis, really began with a "whimper" in 1928. It did not begin with Pearl Harbor. It began with the Japanese invasion of China. It was a war for fourteen years before America joined it. It officially ended in 1945 -- a 17 year war -- and was followed by another decade of US occupation in Germany and Japan to get those countries reconstructed and running on their own again ... a 27 year war.

World War II cost the United States an amount equal to approximately a full year's GDP -- adjusted for inflation, equal to about $12 trillion dollars. W.W.II cost America more than 400,000 killed in action, and nearly 100,000 still missing in action.

The Iraq war has, so far, cost the US about $160 billion,which is roughly what 9/11 cost New York. It has also cost about 2,200 American lives, which is roughly 2/3 of the 3,000 lives that the Jihad snuffed on 9/11. But the cost of not fighting and winning W.W.II would have been unimaginably greater -- a world dominated by German and Japanese Nazism.

This is not 60 minute TV shows, and 2 hour movies in which everything comes out okay.
The real world is not like that. It is messy, uncertain, and sometimes bloody and ugly. Always has been, and probably always will be.

The bottom line is that we will have to deal with Islamic terrorism until we defeat it, whenever that is. It will not go away if we ignore it.

If the US can create a reasonably democratic and stable Iraq, then we have an "England" in the Middle East, a platform, from which we can work to help modernize and moderate the Middle East. The history of the world is the clash between the forces of relative civility and civilization, and the barbarians clamoring at the gates. The Iraq war is merely another battle in this ancient and never ending war. And now, for the first time ever, the barbarians are about to get nuclear weapons. Unless somebody prevents them.

We have four options:

1. We can defeat the Jihad now, before it gets nuclear weapons.

2. We can fight the Jihad later, after it gets nuclear weapons (which may be as early as next year, if Iran's progress on nuclear weapons is what Iran claims it is)

3. We can surrender to the Jihad and accept its dominance in the Middle East, now, in Europe in the next few years or decades, and ultimately in America.

4. Or, we can stand down now, and pick up the fight later when the Jihad is more widespread and better armed, perhaps after the Jihad has dominated France and Germany and maybe most of the rest of Europe. It will, of course, be more dangerous, more expensive, and much bloodier.

If you oppose this war, I hope you like the idea that your children, or grandchildren, may live in an Islamic America under the Mullahs and the Sharia, an America that resembles Iran today.

The history of the world is the history of civilizational clashes, cultural clashes. All wars are about ideas, ideas about what society and civilization should be like, and the most determined always win.

Those who are willing to be the most ruthless always win. The pacifists always lose, because the anti-pacifists kill them.

Remember, perspective is every thing, and America's schools teach too little history for perspective to be clear, especially in the young American mind.

The Cold war lasted from about 1947 at least until the Berlin Wall came down in 1989. Forty-two years. Europe spent the first half of the 19th century fighting Napoleon, and from 1870 to 1945 fighting Germany

World War II began in 1928, lasted 17 years, plus a ten year occupation, and the US still has troops in Germany and Japan. World War II resulted in the death of more than 50 million people, maybe more than 100 million people, depending on which estimates you accept.

The US has taken more than 2,000 killed in action in Iraq. The US took more than 4,000 killed in action on the morning of June 6, 1944, the first day of the Normandy Invasion to rid Europe of Nazi Imperialism. In W.W.II the US averaged 2,000 KIA a week -- for four years. Most of the individual battles of W.W.II lost more Americans than the entire Iraq war has done so far.

But the stakes are at least as high ... A world dominated by representative governments with civil rights, human rights, and personal freedoms ... or a world dominated by a radical Islamic Wahhabi movement, by the Jihad, under the Mullahs and the Sharia (Islamic law).

It's difficult to understand why the American left does not grasp this. They favor human rights, civil rights, liberty and freedom, but evidently not for Iraqis.

"Peace Activists" always seem to demonstrate here in America, where it's safe. Why don't we see Peace Activist demonstrating in Iran, Syria, Iraq, Sudan, North Korea, in the places that really need peace activism the most?

The liberal mentality is supposed to favor human rights, civil rights, democracy, multiculturalism, diversity, etc., but if the Jihad wins, wherever the Jihad wins, it is the end of civil rights, human rights, democracy, multiculturalism, diversity, etc.

Americans who oppose the liberation of Iraq are coming down on the side of their own worst enemy.

A Matter of the Heart

2006-09-14T13:30:00.000-05:00

Sometimes every word, every action, seems to come out wrong, or at the wrong time, or in the wrong tone, or maybe it's just received differently by the you than it was intended by me. The slightest flinch, cut of the eyes, smile on the lips, is somehow all twisted and perverted into a jagged edge that rips and tears at the fabric of our relationship.

Sometimes you love a person more than life itself, but being with them is like hearing fingernails on a blackboard, screeching and scraping and ripping your nails into dry dusty shards, finally leaving a chalky, scratched, and bloodstained board behind.

I feel your anger and contempt for me in every glance, I hear it in every word. I know I am detestible to you right now. I just don't know how it got to be that way.

Maybe its the phase of the moon, the phase of our lives, I just don't know. Maybe you just can't take the 'me' that I have become anymore, or the twists and turns that our lives have taken. It would be understandable, so much has been taken from you; so much asked of you. All I can say is that life isn't fair, and things are what they are. And I can say I'm truely sorry. For what I know I've done wrong and for the things I don't even know hurt you. My heart is pure for you even if my mind is sometimes cloudy, mixing up last week with last month, forgetting things that are important to you.

I can recall the easy going, comfortable place we used to share. When it didn't matter if we talked or not - silence was just as good as chatter. The secrets we shared, the times we laughed and did silly things just for the fun of it. When you trusted me and I saw love in your eyes.

What is the fermenting, boiling 'stuff' that is just beneath the surface all the time now, waiting to spurt out and plop all over both of us at the slightest disturbance? I hope and pray you can find a way to release this cancerous mass before it consumes the beauty that is inside you.

My love is too deep, too real, too strong to let go. I will ride it out. No matter what. Everything wavers except the heart - nothing else is true, and only death itself can quench it. If you can find a way to see into my heart, you'll know. You'll believe again. All the rest is just 'stuff'.

8 and counting

2006-09-10T00:19:00.000-05:00

Dr. Butler lowered my Prednisone to 8 MG/daily on Thursday. It's been a tough go of it since then. Pain is up, Fatigue is up, taking more pain meds, and generally feeling bad. Today I didn't even get out of bed untl 4PM. The pain was so bad and I kept taking meds until I could finally stand to feel the air on my skin. Afater I finally got up, I had migraines and nausea for the rest of the day. So, I don't know about 8 MG, we may have pushed it too far for now. Might have to go back up to 9 or10 mg. I'm going to try my best to stick with this for at least 1 week before throwing in the towel. I had every intention of going swimming today too, but didn't make it. Today was my Methotrexate day too, and I took my injection late in the afternoon. So Sunday may be even more of a challenge than today. Oh well, going back to 8 or 10 mg for awhile won't be the end of the world. We can try to lower it again in a few months. Until then, I'm hanging in here.......

Necessary Change

2006-08-24T04:42:00.000-05:00

Tuesday I did someting I've been needing to do for a long time. I went to a new Psychiatrist. There were many 'little things', and some not so little, that had been bothering me about my prior doc. 6 months ago, my therapist left his practice and went out on her own. I chose to stay with him for med. management, and went with my therapist for counseling. I knew even before she left his group that things weren't right there.

A few weeks ago I was visiting with my Father in Love, Bill, and he made and observation about me. He said I tend to stay in a bad situation too long, even after I know it's bad. He was right on, as usual. This is just one more example.

My new doc. is a woman, right here in Alpharetta, within my driving range. So I no longer have to arrange a ride downtown to see my Psychiatrist. That alone is a help to me and everyone who helps me out. We hit it off great. She is very easy to talk to and worked with my needs. She even spent 15 minutes over our alloted hour (sometihng my prior doc WOULD NEVER DO). Then she even asked if the fee structure was going to be a burden for my family. Now when have you heard of that? I was dumbstruck. Then, you won't believe this - she gave me her CELL PHONE number and said to call anytime.

When I would ask my prior doc. what a certain medicine did, or how it worked, he would always shrug off my questions with answers like 'it just does', or 'it works on some chemicals in your body'. When I asked her, she brought out a diagram and explained to me how my current meds are working, and how other medicines work differently.

All in all, I'm very happy to have finally made the change. The only downside is that I've been asleep since Tuesday (now it's Thursday), except for a few hours. The effort to go back to the beginning of 'all this' and 'tell my story' to her was emotionally very difficult. It wiped me out, put me to bed, boom. But I'm over it now, and awake, and here I sit blogging about it all. Today I'll call and cancel my upcoming appointment with 'HIM', and that will be that. Done.

A Great Place To Cry

2006-08-05T17:16:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I've never thought of it before. Today at the pool I cried my eyes out and not a person noticed. I swam for 2 hours (rather than the 30 minutes I promised my doctor I would limit my swimming to) - crying the whole time. It's really great; water splashing up, mixing in with tears, lots of noise to mask the occasionial sob - all in all a really great approach to the whole thing. Sure beat laying in bed watching Humphrey Bogart (although he is my fav. old actor) movies and crying all day. In the process, I was actually DOING something. For at least those 2 hours, NO ONE can accuse me of NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. But I guess I could be accused of using it as a crutch.

Double Bump

2006-07-30T10:33:00.000-05:00

So the foot thing was a bump - then came another bump. My left ear has been bothering me so I finally went to the ENT last Wednesday. He took one look at it and setup outpatient surgery for Friday morning. Seems my tube was sucked down into my middle ear and my eardrum grew back over it all. What a mess. Well fortunately there wasn't any infection in there and he released me for Remicade next week. The Infectious Disease doctor also released me for Remicade next week, so hopefully I'll be back on track soon.

I got my own flippers (since I think I may have got the infection from using the flippers at the Y), and I went swimming yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks. It felt GREAT. I also got these cool socks that you wear with the flippers (who would've ever thought of such a thing?). They were sooo comfortable and keep the flippers from rubbing against my skin. I really liked them.

I am sooooo ready to be healthy again, to be 'normal' again, to say YES when my friends and family ask me to go somewhere fun again. To hold a job again. I wonder if I'll be tethered to an oxygen tank for the rest of my life. I wonder if I'll ever climb Blood Mountain again? If I could, I would go up there with Amanda and stay all night under the stars. That would be heaven on earth.

On another note, I'm begging Michael to find a different job with a rotating schedule, or to work nights or something. I fear I've become such a burden on my Mom and Amanda taking me back and forth to all of these doctor appointments I have. Amanda will be going to college soon, then it will all fall back on Mom, and I hate the thought of it. She doesn't need the stress and expense of coming over here all the time to take me downtown. She needs a break from ME.

On yet another note, I did another one of my 'escapes' last week. It all started while I was trying to put up a wallpaper border in Will's room - I needed both Amanda and Will to help me. As usual, things deteriorated between the two of them. Finally Amanda left. It was really hard to finish it up without her help. I feel like my heart is being ripped out and pulled apart by them. It is so hard when your children seem to hate each other and disrespect each other like that. I could have gone straight to a very negative place. Instead, I packed enough stuff for an overnight trip, filled my oxygen tank, and left. I did do them the courtesy of leaving a note saying I would be back at 5AM the next morning (I had to be back to go for my surgery). I decided I needed a break and I needed to pamper myself, so I did. I checked into a very nice hotel, ordered room service, and watched movies. Every now and then, I thought about my 'problem' and started getting weepy and all, but for the most part I was OK. Maybe it wasn't the best response, but it was a better response than staying home and being emotionally battered all day. When I got home, Will apologized and seemed genuinely worried about where I had gone and if I had been safe. Amanda was mad at me and I think still is. She told me she is 'not to interested' in going on our vacation in August. I told her it's completely up to her, she just needs to let me know today because I have to have time to change things. I can't get refunds at the last minute. I am disappointed, because my kids haven't had a vacation with Mom for 4 YEARS. I was so excited to plan something special for them and to be able to go along with them to enjoy it. I made special invitations for each of them, I really tried to make a big deal of it and to make them feel special. I've decided that if Amanda backs out, I'll just try to get some one else (that can drive) to go with me and Will. I've decided not to let it ruin a special time, even though I'd wanted Amanda to share in it. I'm determined NOT to let it hurt me or wallow in rejection. That's healthy, right?

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

2006-07-19T12:21:00.000-05:00

I had 2 pretty good weeks back to back - a record for me, the most "good days" in a row I've had since getting sick. I even got my hair cut - my first haircut in 3 years! It's hard to fathom that I've felt too sick to even get a haircut for 3 years... but its the truth. I really like it short, it's so much cooler and looks so much better. I've also been swimming a lot and LOST weight (16 pounds) for the first time in 3 years, all really good stuff! I saw my Pulmonoligist on Monday and told him I was swimming without any oxygen and he was very concerned. He finally agreed to let me keep swimming, but only for a max of 30 minutes, then I have to put my O2 on 4 liters when I get out of the pool. We took a walk down the hall with no O2 and my sat went to mid-80s' within 30 seconds. I could tell he really isn't comfortable with me swimming and being off O2, but I was about to cry and I think he knew it would just break me if he cut out my swimming out altogether. It was like he read my mind. H looked at me and said "I'm not going to take your lifeline away." Wow, I'm sooo grateful for this doctor. I must have been through a dozen Pulmonologists before finally finding him. He is the first one that really "gets it". He treats me as a whole person, not just as a pair of lungs. He seems truely interested in my case and in the devistating impact that Systemic Sarcoid can have on a person's life. Unfortunately, the damage to my lungs is permanent, it's not like they are going to 'heal', or can be 'fixed' - and I've never even smoked! That means I'll be on O2 until or unless I have a lung transplant at some point. Right now my Sarcoid is stage 3, and hopefully it won't go to stage 4, so I'm looking at O2 on a permanent basis and hoping we don't get to the transplant stage. There is a lot of buzz on the Sarc sites these days about Beryllium Poisioning. It seems that a LOT of people with Sarcoid test positive for Beryllium Poisioning. I asked my doctor to test me and he ordered the blood test that shows whether or not you have been exposed to Beryllium. He said if that is positive, then you have to have a Bronchoscopy to definitavely diagnose toxic levels. He said if I do test positive, my treatment and prognosis won't change, but at least I would know. He said if he were me, he'd want to know too. Now, this is the amazing part. I took the orders to the EMORY lab, and they didn't know how to do the test! They sent me home with the orders in hand and said my Doctor would be in touch with me to tell me where to go get it done!!! Can you imagine - at EMORY!!

Next, on Tuesday I went to my Diabetes Dr. My A1C is down to 7 (Yea!!) and my cholestorol is back in the normal range. Liver and Kidney functions are good too. But then I showed him my foot. It looks "funny" and hurts REALLY BAD to stand or walk. He said it looked like Cellulitis and sent me directly to an Infectious Disease Dr. (Dr. Dailey). Dr. Dailey thinks the infection is not deep and did blood work and sent me to the hospital for x-rays just to make sure I didn't have another fracture (My bones are so compromised at this point that they fracture very easily). I went back today and the x-ray is normal (another Yea!), but the pain is still very bad. He explained what I should watch for, symptoms that would indicate the infection has gone deep into my foot, and put me on a topical cream for 10 days. So, of course I can't get in the pool again until it is all healed up (sounds like a broken record), and I probably can't get my Remicade infusion next week (another broken record). He said it could take several weeks to completely heal. I have a call in to Dr. Butler to find out if I can have Remicade next week.

I suspect I may have got the infection from using the fins at the Y, so I'm going to buy myself a pair of my own before I go back to the pool. I'm going to get some of that pink liquid soap they make you wash with before surgery. Then I'm going to wash my feet with it every time I go to the Y after I swim.... Maybe with those changes I'll be able to avoid a repeat of this infection. I'm also going to get a new gym bag that rolls, because right now I have to have some one go with me to carry it. I can carry it into the Y (just barely), but after I swim, I can't carry it back out, unless I leave the Oxygen tank out of the bag because I'm too weak.

Yesterday was pretty tough, it seems just when I'm starting to show improvements, there are setbacks. Plus I ran out of oxygen while we were running between doctors offices, pharmacy, and the hospital. I was off oxygen for at least 3 hours in 90+ degree heat, and that didn't help matters. I had only planned to go to 1 quick appointment and hadn't taken enough O2 to last all day. When we finally got home, I was too weak to go upstairs; I just collapsed on the recliner, took a healthy dose of pain pills, put my oxygen on, and went to sleep.
Amanda spent the whole day driving me around and had to miss some things she had planned to do. She is such a sweetheart, she's so patient about taking care of me. I was glad that we got home in time for her to do her normal Tuesday night activities at least. When Michael came home, he let me cry while he put the medicine on my foot and then made the most wonderful smoothies. We sat and sipped and talked, and he really helped me calm down from everything and lifted my spirits.

2 Down and 1 to Go

2006-07-03T21:44:00.000-05:00

Today I had my 2nd epidural to attempt to stop the back pain I've been suffering from for the last 2 months. I've had buldging discs at L4/L5 and L5/S1 for nearly 20 years. Over the years, I've been blessed to avoid surgery by having epidurals, which have so far been successful. Now the doc says my L4/L5 vertabrae are "bone on bone" and the prognosis of the epidurals is not so good. But I'm hanging onto hope. The first treatment helped some - I'd say about 25% improvement. This treatment was done at a different facility (much better in my opinion), and I can already feel the improvement. I'm VERY hopeful for a positive outcome. I have an appointment already setup for my 3rd shot in 4 weeks at the same center. I really believe that after the 3rd shot I'll be much better and able to get around again. I learned a lesson about my oxygen - I've been leaving it at home if I "feel ok" and "think I can get by". When I got to the center, my o2 sat was 78%! They got me on oxygen right away. I hate it, but I just have to start being more consistant with it. When my back started hurting so bad, I sort of started getting lax because the weight of carrying it made my back hurt even more. But I can't go around with 78% sat (anything below 94% is considered low) !

We couldn't work out any arrangements for Will this morning, so he had to go to the Pain Clinic with us. It wasn't too bad, because as soon as I went back, Michael and Will went to McDonalds for breakfast. Shortly after they got back to the center, I was released. So Will didn't have too much time to climb the walls. I was hungry, so we took a quick stop by Waffle House for some comfort food - Cheese Eggs and Grits - for me. At the clinic, they gave me a 'feel good' shot to help me relax during the procedure, so I came home and slept until about 2PM. After that, I was up and around and had much less back pain than I've been having - I really think this doctor hit the right nerve! I got a package together for John and wrote him a letter and Michael took it to the Post Office for me.

Michael worked so hard cleaning the garage and washing John's car, and Will helped out. In the evening, they cleaned up and went to a Scout meeting where Will passed off some of his physical fitness activities. They came home with an extra boy - one of Will's friends came over to spend the night. Now the boys have had pizza and are downstairs playing pool, and Michael and I are upstairs getting ready to call it a day. There are plans to go to see fireworks at Wills park tomorrow night - Michael and Will always go. Then on Thursday they plan to go North for a guys-only trout fishing & camping trip. I love fresh trout. YUMMMM.

Domino

2006-06-22T08:30:00.000-05:00

The call came from my sister in-law in the Summer of 1993. A family was moving and couldn't take their cat. Were we interested in adopting a cat? You bet we were! I have been a cat lover all my life. Since moving from an apartment to a house in March, Amanda had been begging for a cat. We wasted no time driving to the family's home in Kennesaw to meet Domino. She was clean and well cared for, pretty with bright green eyes. True to her name, her coat was black and white. The famly had selected her from a litter of kittens at the Big Chicken in December 1990, so she was almost 3 years old. After loading her and all of her "things" into my car, it was off to pickup Amanda and present her with a BIG surprise!

Amanda was thrilled. She immediately took to Domino and we headed home. For the hour or so drive, Domino roamed around the car howling and meowing - she was a bit freaked out, as to be expected. At home, we kept Domino inside for about 3 weeks. This was to try to get her well accomodated and lessen the possibility that she would roam. Finally the day came for her to go outdoors. She loved it. She ran all around the yard, darting here and there. She kept circling farther and farther from the house, and eventually went out of sight. Amanda was beside herself with fear. Would Domino come back? Would she run away? Would she get hurt? Bedtime came and went, but no Domino. With great difficulty, I finally got Amanda to sleep with the promise that I would wake her up if Domino came home.

Around midnight we heard cats outside. Opening the front door, I saw 2 black and white cats on the front porch, facing each other, backs arched, both growling. The problem was, I couldn't tell which one was Domino! We picked them both up and brought them inside. In the light, we were able to tell them apart. We put the other cat back out and I ran upstairs to tell Amanda that Domino was home safe and sound. The smile on Amanda's face was radiant. I placed Domino on Amanda's bed and they went to sleep.

Amanda entered Kindergarten in the Fall. She was in Mrs. Harris' class, and one of the highlights of the year was pet day. Amanda wanted me to bring Domino. On the appointed day, I placed Domino in a cardboard box and we drove the 2 miles to school. Carrying Domino in that box was tricky. She definately didn't want to be in the box, and was expending all possible energy to escape. I made my way as quickly as I could to Amanda's classroom and let Domino escape from the box. Now she was faced with a room full of 5 year olds - she was truely freaked out! She ran up the bookshelves to the highest place in the room and sat there glaring down at us all. Mrs. Harris asked Amanda some questions about Domino and the children watched her for a few minutes, then it was time for us to leave. I managed to get Domino back in the box and practically ran to the car. She was clawing and biting and howling, trying to get out. I barely made it back to the car before the box split open. I got her back home and she settled down. That was the last time I took her in the car without a proper pet carrier.

One night I came home late from work, in the days when I still wore panty hose and pumps. As I got out of my car, I saw Domino in the shadows fighting with another cat. I grabbed a broom and tried to seperate the cats. They started running through the yard and woods, still fighting. I gave chase, all the while trying to seperate them with the broom. Finally the cats got enough of it all and parted company, each going their own way. Panting, with ruined panyhose and muddy pumps, I limped back to the house, dragging the broom behind. As I neared the front door I looked up and saw Domino - inside the house. There she sat on the windo sill just watching everything going on outside. It was then that it occured to me just how many black and white cats there are in the world. I had just gone through considerable effort and sweat chasing 2 black and white cats around in the dark, and neither one was mine!

The maddest I've ever seen Domino was the day of the strawberry bath. Will was around 3 years old and wanted a bubble bath. At that age, he called her "Minomino", and liked to eat and drink from her dises in the kitchen. Anyway, I prepared the bath with an extra dose of bubble bath. The bubbles mounded up a good 1-2 feet above the rim of the tub. Quick as a wink, Will grabbed Domino and tossed her into the frothy mix. Like a bullet, she flew back out and ran as far away as possible. Soaking wet, she hid behind the couch in the den. She was a sight, all wet and bubbly and really ticked off! I took a picture of her and will try to find it.

Another funny Domino story is when we could hear her but we couldn't find her. It was really odd, and sounded like her meows were coming from the vents in the house. We had recently had some construction work done, and in the process the vent covers were removed for a few days. I was convinced that she had found an open vent and crawled into the duct work. It sounded like she was in the duct work under the floor in my bathroom. So Michael took a saw and cut through the floor and duct work to rescue her. After cutting a gaping hole in the floor we were disappointed when we found she was not in there. Although both Amanda and Michael had already checked the crawl space, I decided to go check it one more time. I opened the door and there she was. Domino just sat there and stared at me and let out a tiny little "meow". Then she calmly walked out of the crawl space as if nothing had happened.

At around 12 years old, Domino started having arthritic problems. It got harder for her to clean herself, and Amanda started giving her special medicine every day. We started bathing her in the bathtub since she couldn't clean herself very well. We had to hold her in the water - it took 2 of us to bathe her. After her bath, Amanda would wrap her in a towel and blow dry her hair. Domino was slowing down.

Last night, Amanda came in from the garage with tears in her eyes. She said something was wrong with Domino. I asked what was wrong and she said "I think she's dying". We put Domino on a towel and into a plastic crate and broght her in the house. She was very limp and unresponsive. I put the crate on Amanda's bed and left the two of them to be alone for awhile. Later, Amanda asked me if I would be with Domino, she just couldn't handle it. I put Domino next to me on my bed and slept beside her, my hand always touching her. I kept waking up and fearing the worst, only to see Domino still breathing, lying next to me.

At around 2:30 this morning I woke up and checked on Domino. She had pulled her little body over closer to me so that her head was on my pillow. She wasn't breathing anymore. The end had come. Her little lifeless body was cold.

Farewell Domino, we miss you. We are grateful for the many years of friendship and fun you gave our family. I know Amanda will have other pets, but there will never be one like Domino. From Kindergarten through High School graduation they were best buds.

Prednisone, Horns, and Popping Discs

2006-06-20T21:49:00.000-05:00

Today was my monthly checkup with Dr. Butler. The GREAT news is that I'm going down again on my Prednisone from 12.5 mg to 10 mg starting tomorrow. The other GREAT news is that she is prescribing a brand new treatment for me to try that DOES NOT INVOLVE DRUGS!! It's something that has just recently been approved by the FDA; some sort of gadget that goes on your knees and hands while you sleep and sends electricity into the joints. Dr. Butler said it sounds wacky, but she knows the researchers that developed it and has high regard for them. During the trials, they were able to demonstrate through verifiable tests that this treatment actually reduces the inflammatory tissue in the joints by significant amounts. I'm eager to get started. I'll have to be fitted for the 'gadgets', and I'm sure Dr. Butler will have to write a justification to get my insurance company to fork over the $$ for it. I just wish I could remember what it's called!

Another good peice of news is that the skin on my back has finally healed, so I can go back to the pool. Since the pool is the only type of exercise I'm allowed to do, this really means a lot to me. I've gained so much weight on this nasty Prednisone over the last 3 years that I desperately want to lose. Even if I can only last 20 minutes in the pool, it's at least a MENTAL victory for me.

My back is another story. My L5/S1 vertabrae are "bone on bone", according to my doc. I am in excruciating pain most of the time, even though I take 60 mg of oxycontin every day and 6 Vicoden for breakthrough. It was so bad yesterday that I cried during my entire appointment with Dr. Becker. The doc says I really need surgery, but because of my health conditions I am NOT a good candidate for it. We are doing a series of 3 epidurals and praying for a good outcome. I've had 2 buldging discs for nearly 20 years now, and have had several rounds of epidurals that have been succesful. The difference now is I'm older, I have Osteoporosis (from the Prednisone), I'm Diabetic (from the Prednisone), and WAAAAAY overweight (from the Prednisone), plus the disc is in really bad shape. Honestly, I don't think I can face anymore surgery, I am afraid I couldn't make it through. So this is something I'm praying about a lot these days. Every now and then I get a few minutes when the pain dies down to a dull roar, like right now, and I can write to my blog or something sedentary. I'm pretty useless around the house; I can't stand up long enough to load the dishwasher, much less prepare a meal! We're all trying to pitch in and make the best of it, but after weeks on end staring at a dirty house and being unable to reach, bend, scrub, or anything, it gets pretty depressing.

I also saw my Opthomologist today. I have to see him every 6 months because of my Sarcoidosis and Diabetes. Everything looked pretty good, except my dry eyes are getting worse. I promised to start using the artificial tears like I'm supposed to do. He said if it doesn't improve, they can put little plugs in my tear ducts to help my eyes retain moisture. Now thats something I've never heard of....I learn something new every day!

Oh and one more update from last week - the Dermotologist says the lump on my forhead is a "bony cyst", and is harmless, and basically I just have to live with it. Ok by me - at least it's painless. I think all these weird bumps on my head and shins are from the Sarcoidosis, personally, but heck I don't have the Medical Degree, I'm just a humble Mathematician. On the other hand, maybe Mom is right and I'm sprouting "Prednisone Horns". It might actually be good if Prednisone gave you horns because they might warn the people around you about how nasty and volitile you've become on the inside from that poison.
So let's see, that updates the Rheumitoid Arthritis, Degenerative Disc, and Eyes and strange growing bumps. I won't see my Pulmonologist again until next month to get an update on how my lungs are doing. At my last visit he told me my disease (Sarcoidosis) had progressed to Stage 3 (ugh). The latest statistic I've seen on Sarcoid is that 5% of people who have it die from it. It's a far cry from what they told me in the beginning - and it's appalling how uneducated the medical profession is on the insidious nature of Sarcoidosis when it is systemic.

On the caution side, I fear I may have another ear infection. I'll be calling Dr. Levin tomorrow to take a look at it. If I do have one, it puts next weeks chemotherapy (Remicade) at risk, and I don't want that!

Like Gilda Radner said, "It's always something"..... In my case it's always something, if its not a disc popping out, its horns growing from your forehead.... (If you watched Saturday Night Live in the 70's you'll get that).

Well thats about all I can stand, so I'm off to take some pain pills and try to get some sleep. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Way Overdue

2006-06-09T07:31:00.000-05:00

It's been over 1 month since my last post, in which I announced my hasty get-away to the mountains. Well, I made my escape, with the help of my family, and spent 3 restful nights in the Wolf cabin at George's on Blood Mountain. Being totally impulsive, I picked up the phone and made my reservation before thinking about all the help I would need to get up there and back. I can't drive that far, can't lift my bags and oxygen machine, and just generally needed a lot of help to get up there with everything I needed to stay for 3 days and then to get back home.

My family came to the rescue. Mom and Dad came over on Sunday. Dad and Michael loaded my bags and oxygen machine into the van, then Michael drove the van while Dad drove the car up to the cabin. When we got there, Dad, Michael, and Will unloaded all of my stuff and put everything where it needed to be. Will was hungry, so he had a bowl of pasta with Marinara sauce.

I think everyone was afraid to leave me alone - change that - I know everyone was afraid to leave me alone. I think they were afraid that I was suicidal. I was not. One big hint was that I took 2 suitcases. One was full of clothes. The other was full of beads and jewelry making supplies. I wanted to sit in the cabin, enjoy the view, and string beads. I don't think suicidal people do things like that. Here is a picture of my kitchen table, all covered up with beads and things----------->

They lingered for a long while before leaving me alone in the cabin. While "lingering", Will and Dad made a few trips up to George's store for coffee, cocoa, and video tapes for me to watch. The dish was out that night, so I asked for some "chick flicks" to watch later in my jammies. The lingering continued, so I finally hopped in the shower and took a looooooong hot soaking shower and put on my thermal pj's (it's still cold up in the mountains in May). It was the first thing I wanted to do when we arrived and I just couldn't wait any longer. So I politely excused myself and headed into the shower. Pure bliss. Steamy and hot, no one coming after you so you can use as much hot water as you want. Plus, I stayed in the handicapped accessible cabin, so there was a nice little seat in there I could just sit on and absorb the steam and warm water. I felt great, and somewhat like a limp noodle after that.

After everyone left, I settled in. I watched "Blue Sky", which was pretty good. It is about an Air Force family in the era of nuclear testing. The wife is very attractive and can't seem to "behave". It costs her husband a lot of trouble on the job, and eventually, his career. Then I tried my cell phone, and amazingly it worked - I got through to home and said goodnight and love you to everyone. That was the only time my cell phone worked during the whole stay. Next, I tried to watch Notting Hill, but I fell asleep. Oh well, I've seen that one before anyway.

It was very chilly at night - too cool to enjoy the deck. However, in the mornings I went out on the deck with my hot tea. The entire time I was there, it was overcast and misty - very foggy and not much of a view. I liked it anyway. It made things seem close-in and sort of cozy in a strange way.

On Monday, George and the cable guy came down to my cabin and fixed me up with TV. My craft lamp switch had broken that morning, and I showed it to George. He took it back to his office and hot-wired it so that whenever you plug it in, the light comes on - bypassing the switch. That's the kind of thing George does, and the reason we've been going back to his cabins for 13 years now. George confided in me that Michael (my husband) had already called that morning to check on me, saying that he was very concerned about me being alone with all of my health problems and making George promise to check in on me every day. Now that's a sweet husband, don't you think?

Outside my entryway, there was a huge patch of blackberry bushes just loaded with blooms. George said that around the first of July the bears would be frequenting that spot to get their fill of the delicious treats. I think that would be so much fun to be in the Wolf cabin around July 1! Here's a picture of a bit of the blackberry patch - just a tiny bit.... the patch is HUMONGUS!!! -->

On Tuesday afternoon, Mom and Dad came back up. They went up to George's store and got a Scrabble game and played for awhile. We all took an afternoon nap and ate leftovers from the fridge. They slept in the loft and drove me home on Wednesday morning. That's a real switch. We used to let Mom and Dad have the downstairs bedroom and we would sleep in the loft. Now I'm the one who has trouble negotiating the loft stairs, so I stayed downstairs and they took the loft. I think this is the first trip to George's ever that I didn't climb up into the loft at least once.
Here is a picture of the stairs to the loft. -------------------------------->

Before I got sick, I travelled all over independantly, flying everywhere, renting cars, staying at luxury hotels, all very self sufficient. It was very humbling to need so much help to take a simple 3 day trip just 1 hour away to Blood Mountain. I'm so very grateful for my family for supporting me, letting me have my space, and enabling me to take the trip. I really needed it.

Need to run away

2006-05-05T12:59:00.000-05:00

I think it's time. I need to run away for a few days. Just me. No phone. No one else. I'll have to lug that dang oxygen machine with me, but I think I can manage it. I'm planning my escape. bye bye.

Not So Great Today

2006-04-26T08:42:00.000-05:00

I had a few really good days last week, but now it's not so great. I have a migraine and my joints are all revolting at once. They feel like they are all on fire and burning out through my skin. I didn't sleep much at all last night because of migraines and joint pain. I've taken my Max MLT which works great, but leaves me with nausea and a wiped out feeling afterwards. I've taken my breakthrough pain meds but they haven't worked yet. The good news is that today I go for my Remicade, and Dr. Butler changed my prescription from every 6 weeks to every 4 weeks, so I'll be getting more of it. I'm also up to .8 on MTX every week. I really do think all of this is working, it's just very slow and there are still many tough days, like today. The weather doesn't help. Whenever storms are around, it makes my joints hurt. Dr. Butler says it's because the fluid inside my synovial joint space (which isn't supposed to be there) responds to the changes in barometric pressure, and that causes the pain. OUCH!

Amanda graduates on May 26 and there is so much to be done!

I need strength!

I need good days.

Installing Love

2006-04-21T08:26:00.000-05:00

Tech Support: Yes .. how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support: First step is to open your heart Have you located your heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they're running?
Tech Support: What programs are running?
Customer: Let's see, I have Low Self-Esteem, Past Hurt, Grudge and Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment are completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system overwrites any conflicting files and begins patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn
share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: Thank you, God.

Squirrels & A Rental Car

2006-04-17T09:35:00.000-05:00

It's time to pay ad valorem taxes on our van and truck (Yipee!). That means its emission testing time too. So last week I took my car to Jiffy Lube for it's annual check-up. The technician came into the waiting room and said, "Ms. Allen, there's something out here you need to see". That's never good coming from some one who's working on your car.

To everyone's amazement, there was a HUGE leaf nest under my hood. So huge, in fact, that it completely covered 1/2 of my engine! There were leaves, twigs, sticks, and everything an industrious little squirrel could find, all jammed in so tightly you couldn't stick a finger in there (If you were silly enough to want to do that!). Now I've seen plenty squirrel nests, right in my yard, in fact, but they've always been in TREES. What kind of squirrel builds an apartment complex under the hood of a car? A CRAZY one, I suppose. I guess all of the CRAZY squirrels have taken up residence in our yard.
All the technicians gathered around, gaping at my giant nest. "Wow, I've never seen anything like this before", and "Gee, does this car just sit for months or something?" were the comments from the peanut gallery. Finally, one of the guys got enough courage to poke at the heap with a stick and start to break it up. I think they were all a bit leary of what might come crawling out of there.

But, finally, with most of the debris gone, nothing crawled out. Seeming a bit more confident, the tech. started vacuuming up the remnants. Then he saw it - the wiring damage caused by these industrious little pests. The main wiring harness to my fuse box looked like an untamed mass of shredded wheat. It's amazing the car was still operable, and hadn't caught on fire.

This was a job for the pros. So my car went to Honda Carland today for repairs. I imagine it won't be cheap. But hey, it's been a great car and I don't have any car payments, so I'll just deal with it somehow. Enterprise brought me a Camry to drive until my van is repaired, so now its just a waiting game to see what the $$ damage is.

I'll be checking under my hood frequently from now on in case those little guys get any ideas about re-building thier masterpiece. Too bad I can't send the squirrels the bill.

ACCEPTANCE

2006-04-07T18:52:00.000-05:00

I used to read "acceptance is the key to recovery", several times a week. That was a long time ago, and many demons ago. Of all the demons I've encountered, I never considered Pride to be a significant one, never really thought of myself as prideful, but could always so easily point it out in others. Isn't that the way it is with all of us?

Some things I have to learn over and over. I have resisted help available to me. I have not followed doctor's orders. Why? PRIDE. Pure and simple, that's it in a nutshell. What will people think of me? Will my children be embarrassed to be seen with me? How can I stand to see those 'looks' from people - you know the looks - surprise, shock, disgust, pity, judgement, fear, all those things you see in people's eyes when they look at you. When they see your illness and it's trappings. When they compare the 'old' me to the 'new' me in their minds. My PRIDE would not let me ACCEPT the help available to me because of these things - these FEARS, all of them in my own head. Did I actually think that by resisting help I could pass myself off as 'normal', 'healthy', 'the same old Jeannie?'. I guess somewhere, somehow my mind worked that way. I have been conducting an amazing act of self-deception.

I got over it this week. I started doing 2 things to take care of myself, and in the process gulped down a big, bitter dose of PRIDE.

First, I'm using my oxygen 24 x 7 now. The doctor prescribed it for night time use a couple of years ago, then increased it to 24 x 7 a few months ago. Now I know they don't prescribe the stuff unless you really NEED it, but feeling self-concious about going around in public with a canula and oxygen tank, I resisted using it except in the privacy of home. This week, I started taking it along everywhere I go. It makes a huge difference in how I feel and how much I can do in a day. No big surprise, right, since every cell of my body needs oxygen all the time and my lungs only produce about 50% of what my body needs. Every time I have a Pulmonary Function Test, the results keep getting worse. I NEED the oxygen, and now I'm ACCEPTING it. My body quietly thanks me every time I use it, as if to say "finally, you are taking care of me - what a relief!".

The second thing is riding the scooter in Wal-Mart. For the last 2 years, any trip to the grocery store or Wal-Mart has been very difficult for me. I don't even consider going to the mall. Michael does all of the grocery shopping for this reason. This week, Amanda needed to shop for a weekend retreat. I went with her and rode the scooter. I asked her if she was embarrassed and she said 'of course not!'. The amazing thing is this: I had the first 'fun' shopping outing with my daughter in 2 years! No kidding. Because of my PRIDE, we have missed out on 2 years of fun trips to Wal-Mart. What a waste! Shopping has been so painful and gets worse every month. The pain was so bad that I would either turn into the worlds biggest grouch and lash out at those around me (on a bad day), or just clam up and rush through and go straight to bed afterwards (on a good day). So now I can go to Wal-Mart with my family and ENJOY being with them again. Riding the scooter felt like being let out of prison, just cruising down the aisles, taking my time looking for things, not rushing, or looking for a place to sit, just enjoying the time with my daughter. And I didn't have to pop a couple of Vicoden before and after the trip.... Yeah!

Sometimes its good to get back to the basics. I'm going to be focusing on Acceptance for awhile.

I didn't die today

2006-04-01T20:55:00.000-05:00

I've been swimming 3 times this week. It's pure torture. After I drag myself out of the pool and into the shower, I barely have the strength to dress. That's when I have my 'moment' in front of the mirror. I stare straight into it and say "I didn't die today!", then I leave the room and slam the door. That's my bit of defiance, my victory party for the day. I muster my remaining strength and take the elevator upstairs, check out, and lumber out to my car. I drop into the seat and turn on my oxygen and take a few deep puffs. I pop 2 Vicoden because the pain is unbelievable, and by the time I get home and lay down, they start to kick in. They never win, but they eventually take the edge off.

Our Y membership is paid up for the next 11 months. I'll be talking to that mirror a lot. Even if it's the only thing I do all day long, I'm going to get over there to have my 'victory moment' with that damn mirror. As long as I'm here to do it.

Boss of the Year Award

2006-04-01T20:41:00.000-05:00

Michael's boss fired him on Friday because he has been out sick for 5 days. He was taken to the hospital from his office by ambulance on Monday because of kidney stones. He had surgery on Tuesday, and came home on Wednesday. He has a very serious kidney infection and needs additional surgery, but they cant do it because of the infection. So if anyone knows the company DEC International, or the man Alan Fiefer, well you know a really GREAT company and a really GREAT boss. Michael has NEVER called in sick in the 2 years he has worked there. What a guy. All I can say is good riddance. We'll move on. We'll pray for forgiveness for our part in this and for Alan too.

Mr Fiefer has to sleep with himself every night (how in the heck do you think hedoes it?).

.....A GREAT PLACE TO WORK!!!

Not Quite

2006-03-28T17:47:00.000-05:00

I spoke too soon.

Monday morning came and went as usual. Michael kissed me and left for work. Then around 8:30 I got a call from his office. He had arrived very ill and had been transported to North Fulton Hospital by ambulance. I went straight away to meet him there (remember the WAR ZONE ??). And so we spent the day in chaos with gurneys, tests, emisis basins, pain shots, iv's, tubes, ambulances, and the rest. Turns out he has STONES. Yes, thats right, not A STONE, but 3 STONES.

He has one STONE in particular that dislodged from his kidney and was painfully weaving it's way down towards his bladder and causing all kinds of havoc. After confirming this with a CT scan, the doctors started giving him lots of pain meds and nausea meds through an IV. Then they put him on NPO after midnight, thinking they might have to do a 'procedure' on Tuesday.

They were right. On Tuesday, Dr.Banks inserted a 'stint'. It's some contraption that extends from the kidney down to the bladder and acts sort of like a slide for the stone. The stone was pushed back up into the kidney by the procedure, but when it decides to start its way back down, the stint is supposed to aid it on its journey. But they also talked about using a laser and blasting the STONES up in the kidneys in a couple of weeks -after the infection clears.

Thats right, the infection. Seems once the doc got into the procedure he could see that an abcess or infection or some other God awful thing has developed in there. So Michael will have to go through a stiff round of antibiotics before any 'next' steps.
Oh yea, and the STONES - there are actually THREE of them. TWO in the kidney and one in the Gall Bladdder. The doctor said only one of them is acting up right now; the other two could act up in the future, or could just lie dormant forever, we just don't know.

Well, Michael is still at North Fulton, and the rest of us are at home. Just when we thought we had paid our ER dues for the month....... thats what I get for thinking.

We are all very grateful that even though Michael has suffered greatly these last 24 hours, he has a treatable condition and we know he'll be coming home safe and sound. And we are all so grateful for my parents who propped us up and kept us (me) going through another bump in the road. I love you mom and dad. And thank you too for the kind employees at DEC that got him to the hospital so swiftly and safely.

March Madness

2006-03-22T17:54:00.000-05:00

Its been awhile since my last post. And a lot has happened. Amanda has been accepted at North Georgia College in the Cadet Program and that has generated a flurry of activities. Most recently, we returned her housing contract, Summer Transition Contract, and FROG week contract. We still have lots of Scholarship work to do. She's also the lead tech for her school's Spring musical, Oklahoma, which opens TONIGHT, and has been very busy with that. We went junkin' over the weekend to find 'old stuff' for the set. We got an old blue lantern, an Indian type blanket, two baskets, and a 'tin' cigar advertizing sign. We are planning to go to the Friday night showing, we've already bought our famliy's tickets. It's a looooong play and we'll be out late, so we though it best not to go on a school night.

Michael is still working at DEC, and puts in a full week plus a long commute each day. I wish he could find something closer to home or even part time, so he could slow down a little bit. We couldn't get by without his salary and benefits, but we could probably get by with a little less, unless my disability company starts playing nasty again. On top of his full work schedule, he handles the lions share around the house becuase of my limitations. On my 'good days' I can pitch in, but I am not reliable. He does ALL the grocery shopping, ALL the laundry, MOST of the dishes, ALL the yardwork, and much much more. He really needs a break. I know he's burning the candle at both ends, but I don't know how to help him. We are still anticipating an answer from Social Security. We were contacted last fall and told it 'looked favorable', but have not heard anything since. We are praying for a favorable outcome, and soon. We really and truely need it to support the children, especially with college coming up this fall for Amanda. We also neeed the Medicaid for my medical costs, which are out the roof. Of course, what I would ideally prefer is to GET TOTALLY WELL and GO BACK TO WORK. I am constantly on the lookout for my 'next career'. I want to do something more creative, if at all possible. On my 'good days', I scout things out on the internet. So many of the jobs I am qualified for have been shipped overseas; they are hard to find locally now. I truely believe it is only a matter of time before the big whigs discover they have been 'had' by the Indian companies and the Chinese companies and they will have to bring the work back home again. Then it will cost even more to start the work back up here again. Those greedy guys at the top can't see past next quarter's bonus and don't care a hoot for the future of the companies they pilage as they move on to the next one.

It's truely a shame. I'm looking for something I can do that is of intrinsic value that will be uniquely mine, that can't be yanked away and outsourced and mass produced and ripped away from me.

Since I last wrote, we have sort of taken up residence at the Emergency Room.

It started with me (of course). I had a terribly painful infection and my dr. couldn't fit me in.... so off to the hospital I go. Our local ER is like a WAR ZONE; they are renovating and it's a real zoo over there. Basically if you aren't dying or don't have to take off your clothes, you sit on a stretcher out in the hall in front of God and everyone else while you are getting 'treated'. How they manage to keep track of the patients is a mystery. In fact, I know of a couple of times when they didn't keep track and mixed up the files and patients. We can only pray that they finish the construction before they kill some one over there. One week later, and one round of Levaquin later I was no better, so I' went back to the WAR ZONE again. This time I go on Macrobid and like magic everything clears up. But are we done with the ER? I don't think so....

Amanda comes home from working on the play set one night and says:

'The windmill fell on me'

HMMMM. Now that's not something you hear every day.

Now I know, because I've been listening over the course of the past weeks, that this 'windmill' is no wimpy deal. Its a 14 foot tall, 100+ pound, real turning windmill. It was apparantly falling, and Amanda inserted her left hand into the 'propellers' to stop it from crashing to the floor. She was in great pain, made worse by the fact that she is left handed. As she is not generally a complainer, I took this seriously, and off to the ER we went. 4 hours and several X Rays later, we were assured that she had no broken bones, but only a bad contusion. She was patched up with a splint and an ice pack and sent home. So now we've paid our dues to the ER, right?

Wrong! I wake in the night with chest pains. My doctor and I have discussed these 'spells' and I've been given strict instructions on what to do the next time it happens - you guessed it - go to the ER. So its 2AM and Michael and I are off to the downtown ER to get it checked out. They admitted me and ran every heart test known to man. The good news is my heart is fine. Apparently this is just a manifestation of my Sarcoid; I just have to sleep upright with a heating pad when this happens. What it is is lingingering Costondritis which is like Rheumitoid Arthritis in the ribcage. Now, we must be done with ER 'stuff', right? - wrong!

Before leaving the hospital, I get a call from Will. He's hurt his left hand playing and wants to go to - you guessed it - the ER. So Mom takes him to the ER, and Michael and I come up from downtown to neet them. Several hours and XRays later we find that Will has broken a major bone right in the middle of his hand. He had been asking for pain meds for hours, but was not given any. As soon as they saw the XRay the pain meds started flowing. Poor kid, he was really hurting! Now he's sporting a lime green cast that has been signed by so many people that there's no more room. Fortunately, Will is right-handed, so his injury doesn't impede his schoolwork as much as Amanda's did.

NOW FINALLY, I THINK WE'VE FINISHED OUR ER DUTIES FOR THE MONTH!

I got one of those Scooba's from the Home Shopping Network. It's really cool! It does a terrific job on the floors - I have cleaner floors now than I ever had when I was 'healthy'! It's amazing just to sit and watch - wow I must be starved for entertainment! When it finds a really dirty spot it just stops and goes around and around in circles over and over and over again until it thinks it is all clean - what a hoot! Anyway I think it is well worth the investment if you have hard surface floors whether you are healthy or not. If you are healthy - what a time saver! Let the thing clean your floors while you are off doing something better with your life!

My other new toy, the Urban Rebounder, didn't work out so well. After about 5 minutes of jumping, my joints felt like they were on fire. When I reported this to my Rheumitologist, she said to stop using it, that it was bad news. I think I'll try to sell it on eBay to get some of my money back. Bummer.

Monday in February

2006-02-07T00:41:00.000-05:00

It's Monday February 6, 2006. I'm 43 years old, two children, 2nd marriage, disabled for 2 1/2 years, 130 pounds overweight, on oxygen and a zillion pills a day. What a picture of 'success' I am! And the weather stinks. Its bone chilling cold outside and my chest is complaining about it. Now on both sides. I'm determined not to take the mega Prednisone doses that the Dr. says I need to take to knock out the inflammation. When I was in the hospital last week, I saw this "urban rebounder" on tv. It looked like a fun way to maybe get some exercise and lose some weight. I'm convinced I would feel like a new person if I could just get my weight back down to normal. So I shopped around and found a good deal on it a hsn.com and ordered it. It came in today and Will went nuts over it. I've hardly been able to get him off of it all day! Which is no problem really, just that I didn't expect his enthusiasm over it. I'm starting tomorrow while everyone is away at school and work. I fear I'll only be able to handle a few minutes at a time to start out, but that's ok with me. Whatever it is is ok. I'll just start with what I can do and build from there. Won't that be a sight - me with my oxygen on jumping on my 'urban rebounder'?

We decided to make some decorating changes around the house. Will and I already picked out new paint and wallpaper border for his room, its a surf board theme, and Amanda agreed to put it up this Saturday night.

Will and Michael are to clear the area and drape the paint throws for her, then she's going to work after dinner. It's really a sweet thing for her to do for him. Then we're going to switch the dining room and living room. I've been disappointed with the size of the dining room ever since we did the remodel. I want a room large eoungh for an extra leaf, extra chairs, and plenty of room to gather around the table and entertain. So we're going to turn the small dining room into a small sitting area, and the living room into our dining room. If we really like the change, we're going to get an electrician to come move the chandilier to seal the deal. Otherwise there will be plenty of people bumping their heads in the sitting area!

Since it's alreay Tuesday I went ahead and signed up for the HGTV dream home. I've been signing up once a day since sometime early in January. You are allowed one entry per day through Feb 17. Hey, some one has to win!

Will has his Blue and Gold banquet Friday night and his crossover to Boy Scouts from Cub Scouts. This is a really big deal, so I'm going to do every thing possible to be there, camera in hand. I can't believe how fast he's growing up! He'll be in middle school next year!

I have tons of dr. appointments this week, on Wed. and Thursday. On Wed, I go to see Barbara, then for Remicade - pray no fever or illness between now and then!!! On Thursday, a CT scan, PFTs, then Dr. Butler, then Dr. Leeper. I'll probably be exhausted Thursday afternoon and crawl into bed when I get home. Mom is coming to drive me and help me out. Lili is picking Will up both days. I am so grateful for all of my loving family and friends.

HOME SWEET HOME

2006-01-31T00:02:00.000-05:00

I've just returned home from another extended stay at 'Spa Emory'. I went to the ER last Friday because I was running a fever, which is a big deal when you are taking TNF inhibitors, Chemotherapy, and Immune suppresant drugs. So as much as I hated going down there, I did go, and they did decide I needed to be kept in the hospitial so they could "keep an eye" on me. Boy do I miss my family and my home when I am down there in one of those boring little rooms! Michael and Will came down twice and even snuck in a large Frosted Orange from the Varsity. I got to talk to Amanda on the phone and hear all about her fun trip to Gatlinburg. Those were the highlights of my stay. Then on Sunday, Mom called from MARIETTA. She and Dad came all the way home just because of me. Wow, that made me feel so cared for. I have a one in a million family! Finally after 48 hours clear from fever, the gatekeeper released me tonight and I'm back home. I feel so much better just being here with my family and in my own space. After all was said and done, the doctors were kind of stumped as to what was going on, except they felt it was some sort of virus. Anyway, here I am, home again, and happy to be here.

A Lung Doctor with a Heart

2006-01-23T22:03:00.000-05:00

If you've read my posts, you know my opinion of lung doctors. Today I saw Dr. Leeper for the first office visit, and I believe I've finally been blessed with a lung doctor that 'gets it'. Here is a picture of him. Somehow this man made it through medical school with his heart and bedside manner intact. He actually asked me "How has Sarcoid affected your life?" And he actually listened to my (long) answer. Wow. He wanted to know who my 'team' is (i.e. the names and addresses of my core doctors) so he can send them his notes! This is the type of cooperation I BEG for and rarely, if ever get. He was not intimidated by the fact that I go online to connect and learn, in fact he said he does it too and encourages it. We even knew some of the same 'giants' in the field by name at least. But there was some not so good news too. He said my Sarc is now stage 3, and that I need to start wearing portable oxygen all the time. I have the portable tank that I can carry over my shoulder, but I've only been using it 'as needed' so far, with the big oxygen on all the time at night. So as far as the disease goes, things are moving in the wrong direction. At least now I have a compassionate doctor to help me deal with it.

Mom, of course, took me to the appointment and heard everything too. I know she feels as much releif as I do, especially after some of the experiences we've had with a few doctors at the Emory Clininc. God bless her, I am so grateful for her servant heart and her faithfulness to her family. If you're reading this Mom, I love you.

Saturday Rollin' with the Punches

2006-01-21T20:04:00.000-05:00

I can't say today was boring. That's a good thing. Many of my days stretch into hours of lonliness and boredom and I just get tired of being alone and sick. Today was different.

It's been foggy all day. Not cold, just foggy. It probably wouldn't have bothered me if I had stayed inside. But I didn't, and the dampness went straight to my bones and made me cranky and miserable. I had to apologize to my family for my cranky attitude, and even had to put back the steaks I'd planned to cook for dinner - I just couldn't pull it off. It feels like my bones, and especially my joints, are magnets for moisture, and the more moisture, the more pain. My chest got worse today; yesterday it felt almost all cleared up, but not today, it's back in full force. Oh well, at least I'm still only taking the 20 MG of Prednisone.

At least I slept INSIDE last night. Not so for Michael and Will. They were at a camporee and Michael said from about Midnight on, everything was wet. He sent Will straight to a hot bath when they got home this morning, we're trying to head off any ill effects!
Amanda had a meeting at the Y this morning. She is on the Teen Board of Directors. They are planning an inner city mission trip to Atlanta and a mission trip to Mexico next Summer. She was offered and INTERNSHIP for next year, should she decide to go to college locally. It's quite an honor, because they only offer 2 every year. Plus, she'll get paid! Yea! PLUS, they need some one to run lighting for the concerts, which is exactly what she loves doing. I'm so happy she is involved over there, it is such a healthy place.

Well, when she came home I took one look at her car and saw a rear tire was very low. The tread was nearly gone on both rear tires. I ASSUMED this was the 'problem'. So I followed her to the tire place and $270 later she drives out with Michelin's on both rear tires. But when we got home, she said the 'wierd' thing was still happening. Great, thats what I get for assuming. I took a quick ride with her and I would describe the behaviour of her 1993 Sable as a violent shudder randomly occuring anytime as you drive down the road. Not good. By this time, shops were closed, so we had to take it to a key drop at a repair shop on Main Street. I surely hope it'snot a transmission job, especially after putting the $270 in the tires, because the car probably isn't worth the cost of a transmission job. I guess we'll find out on Monday.

She is going to Gaitlinberg next weekend and needed some supplies from Wal-mart. Now honestly, can anyone really go for an entire Saturday without a trip to Wal-Mart? My legs felt like telephone poles; they just wouldn't move for me. So I gave her my credit card and I sat in the luncheonette while she shopped. Fortunately, I think she found everything she needs. No small feat for a teenage girl.

After all is said and done, I'm resorting to my pain pills,

my heating pad, and cuddling up with my tortie kitty on the bed.

A Little Better

2006-01-19T23:27:00.000-05:00

Each day since I started on anti-biotics has been a little better. Today was no exception. I felt pretty good until late in the afternoon, when I completely ran out of energy and had to take a long nap. I think I've had an infection for some time, but it was masked by the 60 mg of oxycontin I take every day. As usual, when I start feeling physically better, my mental outlook starts to improve too. That's a good thing.

Lili came over today and brought me some of that delicious Papaya she gets at the Mexican market. She peels it and cuts it up and it is all ready to eat when I get it. She brings me a big tub of it and it makes 2 meals for me and its really very healthy. I gave her some Lavender Shea Butter Sugar Scrub. She seemed confused as to how to use it, but I tried to explain it to her - plus the instructions are on the jar. Hopefully she'll like it. She's a trooper, she helped me out by picking up Will from school today.

Will's class went to see the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe after school today. It was a great outing and one of the parents arranged a deal where the kids didn't have to pay for their tickets. Plus they each got a kids 'snack pack' for free. Mrs Benton drove Will home after the movie, and that was such a big help for me too.

Amanda is having a blast doing tech work for the plays at her schools. She is the top tech person for the Spring musical, 'Oklahoma', which will be a big job and loads of fun. She's really getting into this and I hope she can get connected with some local theaters to continue her persuits after graduation.

I'm hoping for positive news from Social Security Disability any day now. The attorny said the law judge was favorably considering my case, and I've been waiting now for 2 years for a decision. I'm checking the mail every day!

Maybe tomorrow I can get to the Y for that swim I've been trying to get since Tuesday. For now, it's off to bed. ZZZZZZZ

Waking up from a 2 day DAZE

2006-01-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

Well its Tuesday, and like I was supposed to, I took my Methotrexate shot on Sunday. As always, it knocked me out for a good day and a half. I've been upstairs asleep in various positions all over the bed alongside various felines and finally rejoined the world of the living this morning. I think sometime during the daze my friend Beverly called and said she is moving to Pittsburg.

I've been ducking the MTX shots for over a month now with my Doctor's permission due to various other complications, but it was finally time to face the music (again). I'm supposed to inject myself with the wretched stuff every Sunday, which means until sometime early every Tuesday I'm either asleep or nauseated. What a thrill. At least the stuff is cheap; hey I've got to find a silver lining somewhere.

So today I was finally awake, and even saw two of my family members before they were off to school and work for the day. I still felt rotten, but determined to drive myself to the Y and have a swim. I didn't feel really steady enough to drive, nor did I feel like swimming, but I HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO FEEL ALIVE. Then I saw another problem which prompted a visit to the doctor instead of the Y, and after he did the lab tests he confirmed that yes, of course, I have another infection. And yes, of course, TOMORROW is my Remicade day.

The doctors conferred and agreed that it is too risky for me to have my treatment tomorrow. That means a delay of at least 2 weeks before another Remicade treatment. It seems every time I'm ready for a treatment, something comes up and it has to be delayed. I've heard so many success stories from other patients similar to me that combine Remicade and MTX, but we've been trying since last May and I can't honestly say that we've had a long enough stretch of treatments to tell if it is going to work for me or not. I keep getting these complications, these interruptions. It's very frustrating, and downright depressing some days.

The Costochondritis is finally winding down, I think. It was pretty nasty this time, but I didn't go to the doctor for it. All they do is make you take incredible high doses of Prednisone, then you have to taper off the stuff. The pain is excrutiating, but I chose the pain over the 'cure', at least this time. My chest is still very sore, especially when I move, but it's getting better a little every day. It doesn't hurt to breathe anymore at least.

I'm seeing a new Pulmonologist on 1/23 (actually I saw him once when I was hospitalized for Pneumonia); I guess I'll tell him about this round of Costochondritis and see what he has to say about it. But honestly, I've pretty much given up on the Pulmo. docs. I know I have to go see them; they have to do the PFTs and stuff, but as far as my pain and quality of life and DISABILITY, not a single one of them has ever UNDERSTOOD. It's amazing. It's like when they go to medical school in the Pulmonology department they must remove the 'bedside manner' and 'caring' and 'empathy' genes from these folks. My Rheumitologist gets it. Thank God for her.

I keep getting collections calls about a $360 bill for Crawford Long from Jan 05 but I thought I had paid them everything from back then. So I called the hospital and found out that I still do owe them some money. So I'm paying them this week. I'm dealing straight with the hospital though. I refuse to talk to those collections vultures, they are so rude and nasty on the phone and in their letters. I don't mind paying the hospital a legitimate debt but as far as collectors go I think they are bottom feeders; kinda like ambulance chasers.

I got another 'stupid' letter back from the Insurance Commissioner. I asked them to investigate alleged fraud on the part of my insurer and what did they do? They forwarded my letter to my insurance company for them to respond to. What? Do these folks actually read what is sent to them? Or do they just sit there on auto pilot collecting a state salary, forwarding things back and forth between complaintants and insurance companies. Amazing. I am simply dumbfounded. I really don't know what to say or how to answer them at this point, and I am really to sick and weak to deal with it all anyway. Maybe some one might read this and might care enough about the whole mess to deal with it for me. I doubt it.

Christmast at our House

2006-01-05T02:16:00.000-05:00

Well, we all survived the Christmas season, though I must admit it was one of the wackiest ever at our house. Our eldest son was home on leave preparng to go to Iraq. That set the mood and the anxiety and last minuite-ness of everything. Then on the final send-off day, my joints hurt too badly to get out of bed at 4 in the AM, so I didn't get to go see him off. We hugged for the longest time and both shed some tears as we embraced. I won't see him again until Dec 01 of 2006. He is in Virginia now, then will ship to Camp Penddleton in CA, then on to Iraq. If yo are reading this and are a praying person, please pray for my eldest - John Hagan Allen. He is 21 and a brave patriot and we all miss him dearly. In the midst of this everyone in the household got either the flu, a stomach virus, or food poisoning. I personally had something of the gastric variety which landed me in the hospital for the week prior to Christmas. It was awful and dastardly. I think it was food poisoning because I've never been quite so sick at my stomach before in such a wierd way. The hospital was no fun and lonely as it always is. I did watch Divorce Court out of sheer boredom and I had some funny stories to tell the family when I got home. Well, needless to say the plans I had for Christmas gifts, cards, decorations, activities with the kids, and generally everything pre-Christmas fell by the wayside. Although I was released a few days before Christmas, I still feel seasick and am nursing a Ginger Ale most of the time. I had to cancel my Remicade appointment because it fell during a time when I was running a fever. I feel very blessed, however, because they were able to fit me in just one week later. Ususally if I miss, I have to wait weeks to get back into rotation. Since Remicade is the first treatment that has shown any promise, I hate gettting out of sequence and waiting to get back in. I'm supposed to be taking a Methotrexate shot once a week also, but I just stopped them throught December. They make me so nauseaus and also knock me out for about 24 hours. I decided to resume them next week when the kids go back to school. I've been nauseaus enough lately, and I've missed too much time with the kids as it is. Over the holidays, we put pergo-type floors throughout the house. So now we have tile and stone on the middle level, and faux hardwood on the bottom and top levels. We hope this will be easier to keep clean, and will also harbor less germs and things that get into our lungs. That was the motive behind the change. The floors are georgous and it's almost like having a new house!! Everyone seems to be enjoying them, except, they are a lot more noisy than carpet. But I think we'll adjust. Some of that carpet had been in the house since 1989 and I'm sure was laden with all sorts of not-too-nice critters. We've had a few cold and wet days, which are incredibly painful for my joints - but for the most part the weather has been warmer than usual for Georgia in December. I hope it stays a little on the warm side!

The Refining Fire

2005-10-22T20:04:00.000-05:00

Malachi 3:3: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this
statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it"

He is Faithful

2005-10-19T14:59:00.000-05:00

Every month for 2 years, it's been on the 9th of the month. That is, until this month. This month they said I was being 'suspended' and 'investigated', and 'reviewed'. On October17, we went to the elders and asked in the name of Jesus for prayer for healing. We claimed James 5:14 .... and asked for healing of all sorts. Certainly physical healing, but not just that. We need financial, emotional, spiritual healing as well. The vultures had begun circling, looking for monthly payments.

Today I called my NEW case manager at Liberty Mutual. He was kind, plesant, and easy to talk to - that is an answer to prayer in itself. He confirmed that my case is in APPROVED status, and furthermore that my monthly check was mailed out on OCTOBER SEVENTEENTH.

I don't believe this is a 'coincidence'. I believe it is restoration, an answer to prayers made with faith in the name of our risen Savior. To God be the glory and honor and praise, forever.

Obedience is what He asks. Blessings are on the other side of Obedience.

Ready to Go Again!

2005-10-09T22:06:00.000-05:00

The infection is gone, and I have a nice pretty green t-tube in my left ear. Tomorrow morning first thing I'm calling the clinic to see when I can get back in for an infusion. I'm also taking MTX again and I have high hopes that the combination of the two drugs will work. There are so many Sarcoid and RA patients that are reporting positive results on this combination.

In the meantime I fell down the stairs and got a stress fracture on my left foot. The foot doctor said I have so much inflammation in my feet that he wants to fit me with permanent braces on both ankles. I have a 'healing shoe' on my left foot to immobilize it, and a temporary brace on my right ankle. I have to admit the brace makes my ankle feel more stable and better. Maybe it will help me not to fall again too!

Bumps in the Road

2005-09-18T01:12:00.000-05:00

I've had an infection for about 4 weeks now. Infections are the #1 risk with Remicade treatments. It came along with bronchitis and an earache and just generally feeling even more puny than normal. Didn't respond to a round of antibiotics, so the ENT Dr. is going to put in a tube and drain it. Until he is done and releases me, I have to stop Remicade treatments. Not that they were doing any good yet anyway, but it's still a setback. When I get back on Remicade, I'll have to get built back up to the full dosing level.

Then there's the foot thing. a few weeks ago I noticed a very painful area on the top of my left foot, which was accompanied by a slight mass. The pain and the mass have both increased since then. My Rheumy looked at it and said it may be a type of benign tumor that sometimes forms at the endings of nerves. I'm seeing a foot specialist next week to get to the bottom of it.

Good Lord, how many more things can go wrong? Ooops.... forget I asked that. I don't really want to know.

Great Headlines from 2005

2005-09-13T07:03:00.000-05:00

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Gratitude List

2005-08-17T22:50:00.000-05:00

I have a warm, safe place to sleep tonight.

I am surrounded by people who love me.

I have things I can do when I feel up to it.

I have been blessed with precious children for a time.

My parents taught me about Jesus Christ.

This life is not all there is.

Something

2005-08-15T12:13:00.000-05:00

Alone then not
Either way feels wrong
A piece that doesnt fit
... anywhere
... anymore
What to say, what to do
...whats the point
...anymore
Unsettled in my own skin
....my own body a stranger to me now
Was there ever a point
...to this life
...to any life
...to this day
...this hour
...this minute
...this second
Aliveness is a faint memory
Pain is so familiar
...easing up beside me
...getting comfortable
...makig itself at home
...burrowing its way deep within my bones
...gnawing away
...grinding down
...inching further and further into places it doesnt have permission to be
Pain respects no boundaries
....no schedules
....no plans
....no place
....no lives
....no one

3 Good Days

2005-07-23T22:19:00.000-05:00

3 Good Days

It's Saturday night. I've just had 3 good days in a row. Wow, what a blessing. I've spent most of my time with my kids and it's been so wonderful just doing 'normal' stuff together. They are so precious and every minute with them is a gift. What can I say, except thank you God for 3 good days. And if anyone is reading this, some advice: treasure every moment with your family and friends. Those moments can never be taken away from you no matter what happens in the future. Let tomorrow come, tonight I'm counting my blessings.

Small Things

2005-07-18T15:00:00.000-05:00

Small changes, just a little at a time. So you don' t really notice too much; but the friend who hasn't seen you for a year gasps in disgust before quickly hiding her reaction under an ever so plesant "Oh it's so great to see you again!"

...Though to be honest the friend who hasn't seen you for a year will probably pass by without so much as a glance, not even recognizing the thing you have become.

Little bits and peices; changes; odd things; 'unusual' things; unwelcome things. The inevitable decay that one expects to meet eventually - but not at 41. Such a surprise, such a mystery, to start sliding down that slippery slope at such an age. With so much left to do, so much left to BE.

At our first meeting, I was unstoppable; just a little time; a little rest - all would be good as new. Now we have been constant companions for these 2 years - everything is different. I know the power, the relentless strength, and the me that I was is only a faint memory.

Every assault digs a little deeper, eats away a little more at your belief that one day you'll 'beat this thing', tearing away flesh and bone and spirit; gobbling it down as if it were a delicious treat.

Its so hard to believe when the scoreboard is always against you and gaining.

I had always prayed for a quick death; just to go in my sleep unexpectedly. Seems like a cruel joke to drag it out like this; just a TINY dose of death EVERY DAY and plenty of TIME to watch it happen.

Just small changes, just a little at at time.

Weathering the Storm

2005-06-12T07:45:00.000-05:00

Weathering the Storm

I haven't written in awhile. It's been a tough month. I was diagnosed with "drug induced" Diabetes and it has been a roller coaster. I had no idea how bad Diabetes can make you feel - Nausea, Headaches, Visual Disturbances, Irratable, Sweating, Weakness, Fatigue, MOOD SWINGS - and I've been sleeping about 16 hours a day. I cry at the drop of a hat, and anywhere - I can't seem to control it. Now I'm on Insulin, but not responding like a 'normal' person (is there such a thing?). My Endocrinologist (yes, ANOTHER new specialist to see and PAY) says the Prednisone has made me Insulin resistant and that is why it is taking so much to stabilize my sugar. I take 5-7 shots a day plus two pills and have to check my sugar 8-10 times a day. My sugar has been racing around in the high 400's and it feels like CRUD.

Meanwhile, my Rheumy says the Remicade MUST be working because I cut my Prednisone from 20MG to 10MG and didn't get any worse (I didn't get any better, either). But she says the fact that I didn't have a flare when I cut the Pred. means the Remicade must be working. So she increased the Remicade dosage for my next infusion on June 29. So I guess that's my silver lining in this storm.

Remicade Hope

2005-05-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

Hope for Remicade

A mother with 2 teenage children had been in so much pain from RA that for years she had basically been homebound, dreading any activity that forced her from her home and into more pain. One Saturday, she said to her teenage daughter, "Hey , lets go hang out at the mall". WOW. She couldn't believe the words had come from her mouth. Her daughter stared, dumbfounded.... then grabbed the car keys. This mother had been on Remicade for some period of time and this was a breakthrough moment for her. Suddenly, without warning, she wanted to do something "normal" wtih her daughter. It was the beginning of remission for her.

Another woman was downstairs in her home and needed something from upstairs. She ran up the stairs, grabbed the item, and ran back down. Then she stopped. How many years had it been since she had done that? Several. Something good was happinening to her body. She also had been on Remicade for a period of time. This was a turning point in her disease process.

I am basically homebound. I cannot drive more than 1 mile, and then only at certain times of the day because the heavy doeses of pain meds make me a danger to myself and others. Every week, there are more days in bed than out of bed. Even on 60 mg Oxycontin plus breakthrough pain pills, I am in significant pain ALL THE TIME. I have great difficulty breathing and need my oxygen more and more. I can't remember the last time I ran up and down the stairs - but I do remember doing it without a giving it a second thought.

Today was my 3rd Remicade treatment. I am up to 400 mg per treatment, and my next treatment is 8 weeks from now. If these other women can receive healing then so can I. It will be great day when I say "Amanda, lets go hang out at the mall", or "Michael, let's spend the weekend in the mountains", or "Will, lets go see a movie". Or maybe it will be "Yes, sign me up for that show - I can't wait to go!".

New Treatment Starts TODAY

2005-03-25T11:18:00.000-05:00

Today is the beginning of something new.

Today I start on Remicade. There are brand new studies that show it works on Sarcoid AND RA patients. Since those are my two demons, it sounds like a perfect match. I am HOPEFUL. It's kinda funny, Michael came to me with info on Remicade at least 6 months ago and urged me to look into it. At that time, there were no studies out on Remicade for Sarc, plus my Dr. was concerned about infection, so we didn't try it. But now I've survived a round of Embril, which didn't help my disease, but at least didn't make me sicker. So my Dr. feels more comfortable putting me on Remicade. So we start TODAY. The insurance company is covering it, so all I have to pay is $30 per visit. The way it works is I go to a clinic and they run an IV for 3 hours. That's kind of a bummer, but once it gets "going", I'll only have to go to the clinic once every 8 weeks for an infusion. The other good thing is the clinic is at St. Josephs, so we don't have to go downtown every time. Maybe in a few months I can even drive myself there and back!

It feels good to have hope.

And it's bright and sunny outside.

Confusing

2005-03-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

Very Confusing

I've started the slow slipping down off Prednisone again. There must have been some people praying for me because we all made it through this round pretty well. But the taper down, now thats tricky. Everything is surreal and I fade in and out of life. So much of the time not feeling anything except the pain increasing as the pred decreases. Your voice bounces around in my head mixing up the words in a jumble until what I hear is not what you said. The other voices are there too, calling me, always calling me. The tradeoff is in full swing now. I don't have enough pain meds. The pharmacist treats me like a drug addict. I sit in silence. Is there anger in there? Will it come out some day? What did I just say? Was that me or you? Where is home base and can I ever get there again? Ah, HOME. what a word. what a place. what a feeling that must be, to be HOME.

Crazy

2005-03-08T19:31:00.000-05:00

Crazy
Ok, so where do I start?
Of course, I woke up feeling like hell. Chest pain unbearble. Popped a few pills, drug myself to the car and took Amanda 1 mile to school. Nearly hit two bushes on my own street driving back, I was so dopey.

Checked on mail from yesterday. Liberty Mutual wants tons of forms signed, plus the names, specialties, address, phone, fax, and treatment dates of all doctors I've seen in the last 2 years. That took 3 handwritten sheets. Jst a little light research to start the day. I understand they have to be vigilant; there are so many people who take advantage of insurance companies. But at some point I wish they could put you in another "non-crook" category and treat you more humanely. All this does not help my recovery.

Logged into eBay. Was I surprised to see hundreds of motorcycles listed under my account! And ll listed with premium features, costing hundreds of dollars charged to my account. So I'm on it. Trying to right the wrong, erase the bad listings, regain my credibility, and most of oall prevent financial damage.

Spent HOURS online with eBay to fix it all. Had to change my eBay password, my e-mail password, my Merchant password, my banking passwords, my blogger password, my Shopping Cart password, my paypal password, my hello password. And I'm sure there will be many more. Now lastly I have to relist all the 'goood stuff' manually on eBay.

Got a call from Emory during all of this. Of course they want their money. Of course they are entitled to it. Of course I don't have it. More stalling and apologies.
Then a call from UTHC. They want their money too, although they just want $500 and they'll be off my back. Of course they deserve it. Of course I don't have it. More stalling.

A horn is blowing outside. It is Lili, coming to take me to Will's teacher conference. I can't drive that far. So I lumber out, full of dread. What will it be this time? How much positive? How much negative? How much presure to put him on meds? There was a detour so we were late. Michael was already there. Yep, mostly negative. And the meds came up again. I'm tempted to do like a 2-3 week trial while he is still in lower school to see if there really is a difference. Will talk to Kathy next week about it.

After the conference, which lasted 30 minutes too long, it's off to the dentist. We were 30 minutes late so they couldn't take him and I had to make an appointment for next Tuesday. So Lili took us back home. By now I'm a basket case and throbbing from head to toe with pain.

At home, I pulled out RatRace and sat down in the den to watch with Will. Amanda came in and promplty removed the video (it's hers) and said it was totally inappropriate for Will. He starts crying and the next thing I know its all about how he hates Mill Springs. Doesn't want to go back there next year, on and on. After about 20 minutes I can't cope with it anymore and go upstairs and lock my door. I pop all of my NIGHTIME meds plus a couple of extra for good measure and close and lock my door. I put in my ear plugs. Maybe I won't wake up.

But alas, wake I did aorund 6:00 to heavy pounding on the door. It was Will. "Can I play with Mickey?" Sure, after you write the 10 commandments on these yellow sheets for your Wed. night homework assignment He does it in less than 5 minutes. I've been trying to get hin to do it for a week.

Michael comes home. He heads around the side of the house to get the DEAD CAT and bury it. Yep, one dead cat laid there under the Kitchen Sink Window. Will found him yesterday. It was truely traumatic. It was Will's new adopted pound kitty, and he was such a sweetheart. Something got him and he died. He was gone for 5 days, then Will found him. The dogs were playing with him like a ragdoll. I had to pick him up an throw him over the fence. Then Michael had to bury him today. Will wanted him buried near the tree that it (Rufus) climbed and stayed in for 4 days, before we paid a tree climber $250 to bring him down.

Now the're all off. Amanda at explorers. Will and Michal at Scouts. Maybe a little sanity for awhlile.

Just another day at the Allen house.

I might have some hair left, but if I do it's surely grey.

A CHOICE

2005-03-05T21:49:00.000-05:00

A Choice
There was a choice to make.

The unspeakable pain started suddenly in my chest about a month ago. When I awoke my entire chest felt like glass and movement felt like shards cutting deep through my body. Rising from the bed was and is horrific. After I load up with narcotics, the pain settles into one single long dagger cutting through my lower right rib cage. Excruciating. The Oxycontin doesn't touch it. Neither does the Vicoden.

So the Dr. says go on 40 MG Prednisone. I resist. Stubbornly, I hold out. I hold out because I want to be alive and to be loved and not alone. I want to laugh and make art and music. I want to see beauty. I hold out because I have done that before and it changes everything. I begin to cry out in pain. I can no longer hide it. It engulfs me. It becomes more and more evident that the ER is in my near future to get relief. I think about the hours of waiting, sitting in the middle of God knows what germs with my immune system already totally shot, and having to drag some family member through it all. Then maybe some Morphine, maybe a little relief, but in the end the same old dark friend would be waiting for me: PREDNISONE.

So today I made the inevitable choice. Went up to 40 MG on the Prednisone. What a horrible chemical. The pain level is already different, but still extremely bad. Maybe tomorrow it will be less. Meantime my broom has come out of the closet. I am like a stranger to myself. I look in the mirror and I don't see a wife, friend, daughter, mother. I see a deep dark pit of pain, sadness, and rage, murderous rage; like a dark force has dug its claws down deep in my soul and rooted itself in. Like it wants to stay there forever and evict me from my own soul, my own life, my own mind. It mocks me, laughing at it's strength and my weakness. It's power is staggering, its' purposes pure evil.

Life is going on around me, I know it is. But I am unplugged, there is a ditch deep and dark and wide and inpassable and I am alone on the other side of it.

No not alone exactly.

I have my PREDNISONE.

The Next Thing to Try

2005-03-03T08:27:00.000-05:00

Ok, so we struck out with Methotrexate, Antibiotics, and Embril. Now the doc says we should try Remicade. So I'll be starting treatment in late March or early April. This is a drug that shuts down your immune system (like MTX and Embril), but in a different way. It has been in use for RA patients for some time and there are now studies showing it can be successful for SARC patients. Thats me, a double winner. So the doc seemed excited to try it. I don't even want to read the side effects; maybe if I don't I'll have a more positive attitude about trying it. For today, my goals are to stay ahead of the pain and be kind to people around me.

Is it Possible?

2005-02-18T18:19:00.000-05:00

Is it still possible?
To go to the fresh fruit market on Tuesday morning,
To watch a boat race in the bay,
To watch whales while having lunch on a terrace,
To stop on the road and watch that magnificant sunset.

Wednesday Night

2005-02-16T19:20:00.000-05:00

Unyielding, pressing in, the ache so deep
Like fire daggers through my bones
The tears flow
They just come when they come; there's no stopping them
Every once in awhile there is a glimpse of the 'old me'
The glimpses are brief, few and far between
Who are they for?
How will it end?
How long will it last?
The distractions are a temporary hide-out
A way to create something beautiful
Even if it's only beautiful to me
To try to hide all the ugliness and pain
To try to remain among the 'living'
While I 'live' from pill to pill
The real me getting sucked deeper and deeper into a foggy pit
A vacant pit behind my blank stare
When I look at you and can't remember your name
Or mine

How it is

2004-11-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

Understanding comes slowly.
Unyielding pain and suffocating breathlessness are the messengers.
They give a glimpse, a taste of some who have gone before.
How it is to be under constant siege.
Relentless.
Never Ending.
Until everything ends.
How it is to hold perverse jealousy for those who have made their escape.
How it is to wish it were me instead of them, and to know that is pure selfishness.
How it is to have only a distant memory of life without pain.
How it is to realize it was all taken for granted.
How it is to wish for a way, an avenue, an exit.
From pain.
From hopelesness.
Vic and Bett, I miss you.
And I'm beginning to understand you.
Please forgive me, I never knew.

My Budding Actress!

2004-11-09T18:47:00.000-05:00

Amanda recently performed in the production ?!CINDERELLA!? at Milton High School, and at Regional Competition (in which they won third place!!). This is my favorite "headshot".

2004-11-03T18:24:00.000-05:00

A picture is worth 1,0000 words.

Treatment Started - FINALLY!!!

2004-10-26T12:39:00.000-05:00

My Pulmonologist does not want to treat my MAC infection because my results are "too inconsistent". This was pretty devistating to me, especially since my parents drove me all the way to Tyler, TX to see the MAC specialist. I have to admit I was down in the dumps for a few days over this. But in the end, I decided not to let the opinion of one doctor who barely knows me shoot down my hopes. After my 4th Pulmonologist, I've concluded that there is something in their medical training that precludes them from empathy. They just don't get it. I think it has something to do with the fact that they are taught that the lungs don't have the capacity for pain. Whatever it is, BEWARE of them. I much prefer the Infectious Disease doctors and Rheumitologists.

Thank God for my Rheumitologist.

She prescribed the drugs and is going to monitor the 6 month MAC treatment.

Wouldn't it be amazing if my cough went away?

Wouldn't it be amazing if my chest pain went away?

Wouldn't it be even more amazing if my joints got better?

I am so grateful to have at least one doctor that LISTENS TO ME and is willing to TAKE A CHANCE ON ME. I started treatment yesterday, so we'll see how things are on 4/25/05.

I have faith.

I will be better then.

April 25, 2005 will be here before I know it.

Mystery Solved?

2004-10-14T16:42:00.000-05:00

So maybe it's not just your garden variety FAT after all. My dear father in law has educated me on Cushings Disease, which occurs when your body either receives or manufactures too much cortisol. I've had these strange purple streaks on my skin for months now and turns out that is a classic symptom of Cushings. Quoted from WEB MD below:

"Cushings syndrome is a rare disorder in which body tissue is exposed to excess levels of the hormone cortisol, which helps the body manage stress and plays a role in regulating the Immune System. Cortisol levels increase when the pituitary gland in the brain releases another hormone called adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). Because cortisol influences almost all body systems, Cushing's syndrome may cause such diverse symptoms as WEIGHT GAIN, LOW BACK PAIN, SKIN CHANGES, BLUISH-RED STRIPING, SEVERE FATIGUE, MUSCLE WEAKNESS, DEPRESSION, DIABETES, and HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. If untreated, Cushing's syndrome can result in death."

OK, so I'm overdosed on steroids. Like I didn't already know that. HOW TO GET OFF OF THEM IS THE QUESTION???????? This has got to be priority 1 when I see my Rheumy next week. With Cushings, no matter how hard you diet and exercise, you just keep exploding bigger, bigger, bigger. And then you die.